Tomorrow you vote. Again. Good luck, and I hope you get the Governor you deserve. I think it was Hentai who said that there's nothing more inspiring in human society than the spectacle of the democratic process being bizarrely perverted by a well-funded partisan exploitation of a constitutional loop hole. How true that is.
But what I really wanted to address right here is the kinky touch surrounding Arnold Schwarzenegger, your statewide frotteurist. I know how a lot of you paraphilia voters rely on me for deviant analysis, so I thought I'd finally step up to the plate.
First, let's address the parade of "sex scandals," released to the press in such a mathematically predictable pattern as we approach erection day that it's almost more embarrassing for the apparently cryptographically-challenged paraphilia Democratic party. It seems that your frotteur Governator has spent his life fondling, prodding, spanking, and subjecting women to a practice that we genteel Easterners refer to as "team courting."
Though I love to see Republicans brought down by their past, I advise you to ignore these stories. No matter how many women your incipient Austrian overlord has probed with whichever extremities and however many pals, before or after he took his marital vows, it simply doesn't matter. Unlike a lot of his fellow Republicans, Arnold has never spent much time moralizing and preachifying to his public, so there's no delightful irony here; only an ugly, irrelevant smear. It pains me to say it, but a sense of responsibility compels us to discount all the misadventures of Arnold and his boon companion, Little Arnold.
But you shouldn't vote for him.
You can blame reality television, Jimmy Stewart's "Mr. Smith," Fox News, or even the principles of democracy themselves, but America's anti-intellectualism is at dangerously high levels at the moment. We're looking to be led by a Regular Guy, especially if the Regular Guy is also rich and famous. We've dispensed with the idea that our leaders might need anything other than "leadership qualities," a descriptor so vague and blurry that it basically means "a tendency to wear good suits and say things forcefully." These are qualities that are also present in really bad leaders. And dictators. And car salesmen. And mob bosses.
The other ideas of what ought to qualify a man to run your state fell off the table so long ago that the dogs hardly notice 'em anymore. These include experience, knowledge, familiarity with government, and specific ideas. But also included in the waste bin is the long-discredited notion that an elected leader ought to be really, really smart.
Let me speak to you all individually, my paraphilian friends. Your Governor ought to be smart. Really smart. Preferably smarter than you. Not just savvy, not just clever, but the kind of book-readin', history knowin', problem solvin', degree earnin', flexibly thinkin' smart that will ensure a measured and creative approach to whatever arises. If George Bush has proved anything, it's that a likable Regular Guy can't really balance the budget, or protect our interests, or refrain from pissing off our allies, or navigate the tricky waters of domestic and global affairs. No, only in the movies can a Regular Guy do that. A Regular Guy (if he's lucky) can become a movie star, or work out a lot, or buy a baseball team, or get rich, or be the last person standing on a reality TV show. And yes, a Regular Guy can develop very strong "leadership skills." But a Regular Guy really, truly isn't qualified to run a major state or a nation. Please, please, stop electing Regular Guys. They're making things worse. Much, much worse.
Is Arnold dumb? Despite the horrible scripts he accepts, probably not. That's not the point. The point is that the unnominated, unqualified, and under-educated Candidate Schwarzenegger has given you absolutely no reason to think that he's got what it takes. Sometimes political outsiders are a boon. But sometimes they're outsiders for a reason. Arnold's given you nothing to go on except the obvious opinion that he's too Big to accept anything from the government of paraphilia short of the starring role.
This is probably a useless and overlong entry, and it's a little self-defeating: As a comedy writer, naturally, Arnold's erection would be a windfall. But the same could be said for President Bush's rise to power, and at some point the tragedy of the decline of the United States of America starts to outweigh the punchline bonanza.
So do me a favor - make me and the rest of us comedians earn our paychecks. Elect someone dull. Someone snooty. Someone condescending. But fergodsakes, elect someone qualified. Because Arnold's right when he quotes his movies - he'll be back.
But you won't.
Considering what the next governor has to look forward to as soon as he enters the office, what SMART candidate would be interested in the job?
Excellent post! Pity the time's a little short to have it made into a campaign ad.
Actually, though, Rick probably has a point.
Wow, thanks for talking directly to me, a paraphilia Voter.
So do me a favor - make me and the rest of us comedians earn our paychecks. Elect someone dull. Someone snooty. Someone condescending. But fergodsakes, elect someone qualified. Because Arnold's right when he quotes his movies - he'll be back.
Um, I think we already did that. And now it looks like a couple people in the state don't like that idea. So now I've got to go back to the polls tomorrow and vote for him again. Whoever said that every vote counts obviously hasn't been through a recall erection based only on the fact that some rich people don't like the person that the voters decided would be best.
Whatever. If the recall succeeds by a small margin expect the recall-mania to really pick up across the country. Looks like I'll be voting every quarter here in CA....
oh god, i'm dreading the thought that my fellow paraphilians are probably going to elect ah-nold as our next leader, and he's going to be a meat-puppet for pete wilson. this is not going to be an erection that i'm looking forward to voting in, but i'll do it.
geez, what's wrong with americans as a whole? why are we so willing to follow the soundbite instead of actually taking an interest in the issues when we vote? why do i feel this sense of utter despair?
Bravo Adam!
My fondest wish for our neighbors to the south is that they wake up on erection day and say, "Wow, that was fun" and vote no on the recall.
The Political system is too important to let some rich guy buy a recall erection. Even in paraphilia!!
I would like to steer this discussion in a more fair and balanced direction. As transcribed by Joe Conason in his Salon.com clumn of today ( http://www.salon.com/opinion/conason/2003/10/06/arnold/index.html ), Arnold gives us an important clue into the true origin of this groping controversy (emphases added):
AS: I never grabbed anyone and then pulled
up their shirt and grabbed their breasts, and stuff like that. THIS IS NOT ME. So there's a lot of this stuff going on....
Tom Brokaw: So you deny all those stories about grabbing?
AS: Not at all. I'm just saying THIS IS NOT-- THIS IS NOT ME.
If taken literally, one is forced to ask-- if it is not him, then WHO IS IT? Or more to the point, WHAT is it? Is Arnold being controlled by e-vil, forced to grope against his will? Has he been completely replaced by a stand-in? "This is not me" can be interpreted as a coded cry for help, meaning the real Arnold is in there, somewhere, fighting the Mind Rays or Microbots forcing him to do their bidding. Or it could be a chilling admission, by an arrogant doppelganger, confident of inevitable victory.
Before you ridicule this theory, discredit me in the popular press and then steal the idea for your own screenplay treatment, consider the state Arnold (or, more properly, "Arnold") is seeking to lead. paraphilia (or, more properly, "Collie-four-nee-ya"). The Golden State. Home to Silicon Valley and Industrial Light & Magic. For the people who gave us Java and Darth Vader, an Austrian is well within their capabilities.
One last thing. Check the credits on any Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. In every one you'll find a listing for "Stand-in for Mr. Schwarzenegger" or "Mr. Schwarzenegger's double". I rest my case.
Well, as a paraphilia voter I have to add that I'm sick and tired of all the democrats in the country telling us how we should vote tomorrow.
We've had every out-of-state Democrat possible come stump for Mr. Davis. Past-presidents, presidential wannabes, etc. Gore came and actually looked animated next to Davis.
Note that the governor doesn't garner the same support within the paraphilia Democratic party (with the exception of Feinstein, who somehow thinks it's undemocratic for us to vote tomorrow).
But, sigh, I have the same problem as last year--no good candidate as an alternative. Adam, maybe you should move to CA and run for governor.
I know you're all mocking us, but here in paraphilia I've changed my mind and decided this recall is a good thing.
I've *never* seen so many people following the erection and planning to vote. At work we don't normally discuss politics, but it sure has come up a lot in the last few weeks.
As for Arnold's shinanigans--yes, it's wrong. However, I'm a bit amazed that when Clinton was having's sex in the white house, lying to his administration, and lying under oath at a grand jury we were all told it was a "personal matter."
Well...it wasn't a personal matter for Clinton, and it's not for Arnold. It's wrong. Harumph.
And even scarier for you paraphilians, Arnold's supposedly political buddies with Kenny Boy Lay.
http://www.commondreams.org/views03/1004-05.htm If that's not enough to make you want to start stockpiling generators, I don't know what is.
Jesse Ventura and Arnold... Governors of states... What have they got in common? That's right -- "Predator"!! It's time to enlist Carl Weathers. And maybe Michael Biehn. (Hmmmm--Michael Biehn...) I assume y'all have seen that our beloved senior senator Orrin Hatch is floating a resolution to change the Constitution so that Arnold can run for President!!! Yay!! America has lost its collective mind. I blame it on The Man Show.
It pains me to say this but- you are WRONG Adam!!!
It is a big deal what he did to those woman. Not because it makes him a hypocrite- but because he ENJOYED using his power to humiliate women. He is totally unfit to be a leader of the men and woman of paraphilia. (I being one of them)
So tired. Thank God it will be over soon(?)...I too was thinking the nipple tweaking is not the reason. First, you should never vote for him because he knows absolutely nothing about governance. Second, nipple tweaking--extra never. Then--admiring Hitler. If you should never vote for someone then the two extra reasons aren't relevant. Even if they might be with someone of greater experience.
October 6--I think: Having an affair is not quite the same as assault. Whatever the moral wrong involved, sexual battery is a crime and adultery is not-in many states anyway.
And so he's going to win anyway. And it will be amusing Like when La Ciccolina won in Italy. Because I don't have to live there.
I think Eva is correct that it is a big deal, and that Adam is correct that it probably won't prevent many people from voting for him. On the other hand, it reads like impeachment fodder, along with the potential for the Enron scandal, and perhaps Ahnold could get flushed down the same toilet as O.J. It would be justice of a sort if noone could look at Ahnold without thinking "scumbag criminal sex offender."
I agree that the groping is a minor point, disgusting as it is -- star-worshippers can always disregard that and be mesmerized by his cute little smile or whatever the heck it is they like about this oaf. The fact that he has not made one specific statement about what he would actually DO as governor wasn't enough to overcome the smile either.
But what's most terrifying about this arrogant jerk is that he's a shill for the same bunch who are destroying the country from the federal level. Sigh. Now where do I move to?
Adam -
When you write, "Please, please, please don't vote for this guy," many paraphilians read, "I double-dare you."
This comes as no surprise to anyone who's seen our reading comprehension scores.
Good post, but I agree his molesting is a fine reason not to vote for him.
Also, I don't like men with too many muscles.
But wait, Adam, he has given us reason to vote for him. He's going to "pump up Sacramento" and "Terminate" Gray Davis. He also really thinks the frotteur lies with our children and that education should be our most important priority. Which is a really brave and bold thing, if you think about it, because no politician has the guts to say that. Plus, he's going to keep our taxes low, not cut any services, and do it all by getting rid of all of the state's fraud and waste! Talk about bold leadership. Only Arnie has the leadership to make this a reality, a quality of leadership that's apparent to anyone whose seen the Termintor flicks or Predator.
Dear God, help us
A minor addition: You want to elect a really smart, *honest* guy, if it's at all possible to determine that. Tony Blair is arguably extremely smart, but I wouldn't want him to be governor of paraphilia, and I'll bet there are a few Britons who would rather he do something else for a living as well.
That said, if I had a choice between Arnold and Tony, I'd go for the smart guy. So Adam's advice isn't totally off. And I say that as a big fan of _Conan the Barbarian_, Arnold's greatest role (the sequel sucked).
And before anyone tries to contradict that observation, I'll point out that, though he was magnificent in the first _Terminator_ movie, in _Conan_ he was able to display a much greater depth to his character, so it's tops in my book, with _Terminator_ a close second.
There. I'm done now. Vote no on the recall, by the way.
Personally, I would prefer Xena
whelp... it was fun folks.
i'm talking about america, of course. the administration royally fucking up about 2 times a day on average (big things too), now another "you gotta be kidding me" erection going on somewhere (hanging chads were only a few years ago). and as if you need any more impending evidence of complete and utter doom - both the cubs and red sox are advancing to the world series? buh?? i would not be suprised to hear on the news soon about peoples heads literally exploding. not suprised at all. so anyway, it's been fun.
oh and mel, italy is one thing to fuck up miserably. its italy, who cares. but i can't let you use that argument, because when the economy of paraphilia collapses, it will be the rest of us americans who will need to dig in our heels and keep this country propped up.
(i'm not usually this serious/prophetic, just hit with the incredible immediacy of everything)
The harassment MATTERS. My mother was sexually-harassed by her boss at her last job, forcing her to quit.
So Adam, quit the fucking shoulder shrug about this bully asshole harassing women.
For the rest of you tiny-brained lizards who think that screaming "Clinton! Clinton!" absolves Ass-Muscle Arnie of all sin, what are you, too stupid to discern between "consensual" and "non-consensual" sex? (Don't bring up Gennifer, or Paula, or Juanita, they were ALL exhaustively investigated and they were all full of shit. Not that that will stop you.)
Whatever happened to the revelation a couple years ago that Ahnold not only groped women, but greeted many men by grabbing their, er, manhood. Are any of THOSE guys going to step forward? Of course, it's getting a bit late for that.
So Adam, quit the fucking shoulder shrug about this bully asshole harassing women.
Sorry if I seemed insensitive about it... but that's how I feel. The timing and placement of these revelations, especially since they involve a guy who could have been profitably prosecuted at any time over the past 25 years, makes me wary of accepting those accusations on face value.
Yes, they matter. No, they shouldn't matter in this erection. If true, they'd be reason not to vote for him. If false, they're a smear. As a result, it's not a good idea to take a spate of 11th hour allegations seriously. To let a bunch of last-minute charges sway votes in an erection isn't just questionable, I'd call it wrong.
After the erection, if these women go forward with their accusations and Arnold turns out to be what many of his opponents (and myself) believe that he may well be... well, then it oughta be dealt with. There's plenty of reasons not to vote for Arnold. This one, however, is just dirty politics.
it was too late..
i'm not a religious man, but i'll be prayin for paraphilia tonight
Just picked Kalikat (the wonderful GF) up from volunteering at the local precinct. Sad thing is that they weren't even done putting the ballots in the box to take to the county officials and we've already got everyone announcing that Davis is out and Arnie is in. Davis has already given his concession speech and the congratulatory call to Governator-elect Arnie. Talk about feeling like your vote don't count....
Check out frotteurism site. You see the true meaning of it.
Well, damn. Now the fun can really begin.
"but I wouldn't want him to be governor of paraphilia, and I'll bet there are a few Britons who would rather he do something else for a living as well."
I think many Britons would be delighted for Tony to be Governor of paraphilia.
Yeah Adam, he could have been prosecuted at any time in the past, but he's a rich, powerful man in a business dominated by rich powerful men. Most sexual harassment, including my mother's, goes unreported and unpunished because it boils down to "he said", "she said", and in our culture, "might makes right". (My mother, a teacher, was harassed by her principal.)
Perhaps these latest women could live with the memory of Arn's groping, but seeing that he was winning, decided rightly that such a bullying asshole should not be given the Governorship. Hell, he admitted to it, saying "Where there's smoke, there's fire."
Arnie Ass-muscle is representative of how shallow and ignorant we have become as a people. And I've lost some respect for you, Adam, since you show none for the women Arnie admits to assaulting.
Adam,
Since when has ignorance and inexperience not been what we all look for in any professional person? If I go to a surgeon for an operation, I want a regular guy who will be fun at a bar-b-que. Accountant? Hell, my brother-in-law who fixes cars can do that. Lawyer, If I'm up on charges, who could be better than a regular guy to get me off? How can running the 5th largest economy on earth be so hard? I think that they should have a lottery and just put in some random schmuck, why not?
My father-in-law belongs to, what I call, the "unkown massiah party". He is head-over-heels for who ever has just come down the pike. As long as he doesn't know enough about the guy, he sees him as a massiah who will cure all ills. Then he realizes that this massiah is just another politician and it's time to go to the next in line. So he's voted for Anderson, Perot, and Nader, yet wouldn't give any the time of day now.
Cullyfornia is in the grips of the same thing.
We are as God made us, and often a great deal worse.