As many of you know, I recently bought a condo. With this condo came a large, beautiful deck. So, when the warm weather came, I got to thinking, "hmmm, I should decorate this deck. Maybe some nice lawn furniture, a table and as an added touch, some plastic plants." (I'm a big believer in plastic plants as they look so much nicer than half-dead/in the stages of dying/actually dead "real" plants -- in fact, I have hundreds of plastic plants all over my condo!)
Well, judging from the reaction of my "nature people" friends (you know the type, they exercise regularly, eat balanced meals, prefer hanging around outside vs. the lovely climate controlled sanctity of a shopping mall -- very strange), you would have thought that I had suggested placing several velvet paintings of Elvis playing poker with some dogs as decoration on my deck.
"No No!" they cried in collective dismay. "You mustn't! You can't!"
"Watch me," I replied. (I've gotten very good at automatically rejecting the strange suggestions put forth by these well-intentioned, but clearly mis-guided nature people. The last time I ignored my impulses, I found my poor self CAMPING. Okay, okay, technically I was sleeping in a tent trailer in a parking lot in the middle of Calgary -- but the hardship!! -- the running water was a good 1/2 block away in ANOTHER BUILDING!!)
"We'll help you!" they insisted. Clearly they weren't gonna let this one go. "We'll get you a nice planter, some dirt, some manure (MANURE!!), and some seeds. It'll be simple! It'll be fun! In no time, you'll be enjoying the blossoming of your 'red hanging poopendickers' and savoring the sweet fragrance of the 'blooming quackerhickies'" they enthused! (Actually I'm sure they named some real plants, but I could NOT for the life of me tell you what they were. All the plant names they suggested sounded like the various malevolent species of aliens that are always trying to take over the Earth on Star Trek).
I was gonna have to do something. "Can't I just go to Superstore and buy a pre-made planter?". You could just about hear the snobbish sniffs that they were trying hard to restrain. Store bought instead of home grown. How gauche.
On the other hand, at least it wasn't plastic. And seeing it was ME they were talking to, it seemed an acceptable compromise. They decided to make the best of it and encourage this baby step towards nature-dom.
"You'll be amazed and thrilled with your plants", they promised. "So easy to care for."
"What's this 'care' business," I asked suspiciously. "I thought I just had to put them out and they would take 'care' of themselves".
"Oh, yes! That's essentially it. But you just have to water them, daily....", I started to frown, "... on the days it doesn't rain", they quickly added.
Okay, sounded simple enough.
So, the next day found me at Superstore looking through the various planters. I finally settled on one full of enough greenery, that if something were to inadvertently die (which was highly likely), at least it there would still be enough plant like objects around it to hide it. And then I had to fork out an extra $3 for the watering can. "Easy maybe," I thought, "but it's not gonna be cheap."
Things started out all right. The first day I had the planter outside, it rained. This appeared to be a good sign. HA! If only I knew how wrong I was! I figured that since the plant was in the doorway, I should move it out from under the overhang so that it would get rained on. So I moved the planter down to the grass and set it by some bushes. So far, so good. That sucker got thoroughly soaked.
And that was about as far as the good times went. (It didn't even last as far as that night!) After that, it was all downhill.
I'm watching the weather report, and golly gee, Edmonton is having a freak frost warning in June!! Oh joy and delight. One of the nature people must've been watching the same forecast, for no sooner had Claire Martin finished her segment (the weather person on ITV in case you watch some different channel), when my phone rang. "Did you hear the weather report?" asked Nature Person?. "What about it?" I replied.
"Well, your planter is in danger of freezing."
"And?"
"And I think you should protect it. You need to cover it or take it inside."
"I thought this 'care' business was only supposed to consist of watering on non-rainy days".
"Well, we never anticipated frost."
"Is there anything ELSE you're not telling me about? Because if there is, we'll abort the whole operation right now!"
"No, no, no", she assured me. "That's all! Just bring the planter inside."
Grumble grumble. So I did. I put on my boots and rain jacket, went out, and picked the planter off the lawn and set it inside the front door. I then turned on the lights to inspect the thing just to see if any of the flowers or leaves had blown off from the heavy wind and rain. Just on the inside of the planter, lay a two-inch long, brownish gray, object that rather resembled a curled dead leaf. I leaned closer to reach in and brush it out. That's when I saw the two antenna things sticking out of it. SHHHRRIIIEEKKKK! A SLUG THE SIZE OF A SMALL RAT IN MY PLANTER!
Dancing around the living room with the resultant heebee jeebees, I could barely stand still long enough to pick up the phone and call Nature Person. (You have to understand that I have an astounding bug phobia).
I don't recall much of what I babbled into the phone. (The mind erases traumatic events as a protection mechanism, you know). But it was enough to cause the Nature Person to hop on her bike and pedal over to my condo as fast as she could (Nature people always ride bikes -- even in the rain).
Eventually she was able to discern from my pointing and babbling (in between cartwheels up the walls) what was wrong. She dumped the slug out the door, checked the planter for more -- assured me everything was okay and left.
The next morning, it took me ten minutes to work up the courage to pick up the planter and carry it (with fully extended arms) back out onto the front porch.
This "easy care" thing didn't end there. The frost warning came again the next night. So I covered the planter. (Yeah, like you expected me to drag slug-city back into the house!) Did you know that you're not supposed to cover plants with plastic? And that I was
"...very lucky you didn't kill it with the plastic cover" nature person admonished.
So, when the frost warning happened for a THIRD night (surprise, surprise). I was up all for hours sewing a cover for the sucker.
Let me tell you what else "easy care" really means!! That when the plants are finished flowering, you're supposed to "dead head" them (cut the heads off), otherwise they go to seed. (Hey, does anyone want some "poopendicker" seeds?) That you're supposed to fertilize... (more money!!!)...
....but not THAT often!! (something about fertilizer burn??)
....and only AFTER the soil is already wet so that you don't have all the nutrients flowing out from the daily soaking you're supposed to give it!
Don't be surprised when next week I write about how the locusts descended on my planter. If they do, I'll cook them up and serve them with plucked-planter salad to Nature Person for dinner.