It's not a joke.  It's a way of life.

Again, I was trying to maintain the fiction that someone else was actually editing the OHDaMN, so I wrote this article from an "outside" perspective.  Please forgive me for constantly referring to myself in the third person.

The Beer Economy

Sample Scenario:  You've gone out to eat, to get a lunch or dinner that didn't get mangled by Campus Dining Services.  But after waiting in line at the counter at Wendy's for a half hour, you realize you left your wallet at home.  Or after a night of trivia at the Beer Garten, you check the aforementioned wallet and realize the $20 bill you thought you had magically transformed itself into a ten-spot.  What do you do?

Well, if you are the sort of person who hangs around with Matt Blind, you turn to him and say, "Hey Matt, I'm a bit short, can you cover me?"  And if it is some short but indeterminate time since Matt's last paycheck, he'll pull out his money clip and say "How much do you need?"

Now, why would you ask Matt for money, particularly if you don't really know him all that well?  Because the beauty of taking out a loan from the Bank of Blind is that invariably, when you talk about where and when you can pay him back, he'll just turn to you and say,

"Forget about it.  You owe me a beer."

Now, why in the world would someone forego hard currency in favor of an amber beverage?  Well, Matt has been known to knock back a few in his day.  And a few more that night.  For Matt, beer is a budgeted expense, like rent or car insurance; he knows he'll have to pay for it sooner or later.  So what if he loans out a fiver now, and then someone picks up the tab for the beer next week?  To him it has the same net effect.

But since you are unfamiliar with the system, you might not realize that the Beer Economy has a sound scientific basis.  I will explain some of the benefits to you:

• Beer is a commodity.  It has the same value now that it had 20, or even 100 years ago.  Granted, the value is purely subjective, but a Beer as a unit of currency has proven to be more stable than the dollar.  For example, if you owe Matt one beer and you wait 40 years to pay him back, Matt still gets one beer.  The $4 Matt lent you (figuring in 3 percent inflation per annum) will only be worth about 32 cents, but an equivalent $4 beer of today will cost you a little bit more than $13 at a bar.  Matt wins.  (Editors note:  there is an intentional exaggeration at work here -- two different conversions are used, and then incorrectly equated.  $4 in the year 2000, after 40 years of inflation, is equal to 32 cents in adjusted 2040$'s.  $4 in 2040 is equal to $13 in adjusted 2000$'s.  On some level $4 will always be $4, but I adjusted for inflation.  However, by running the conversion twice, forwards and backwards, I made 40 years look like 80 -- 32 cents is not equal to $13 even after 40 years)
• People don't think of Beer as money.  Someone may stiff you on cash, but they will usually remember to buy you a beer.  Also, Beer can be used for debts where asking for money would be inappropriate.  Example:  you need to borrow Matt's power tools.  Matt isn't using them today, and is more than happy to let you borrow them.  When you bring them back, you say, "Gee, thanks -- Hey, is there anything you want me to do for you?" and Matt says, "Forget about it.  You owe me a beer."  Net expense to Matt:  zero, unless you want to count some negligible cash value for the rental of hand tools.  Net gain by Matt:  one Beer.  Matt wins.
• Some people don't like Beer.  If someone hates beer, they are more likely to discount or completely disregard its cash value.  Example:  Matt buys you lunch at Fellini's.  You're grateful, and you want to pay him back, but he just says, "Forget about it.  You owe me a beer."  You know Matt likes beer, but since you don't, you have to ask a friend of his what kind of beer he drinks.  In return for lunch, you get him a six pack of Red Brick Ale.  Net cost to Matt:  less than $5.  Net gain by Matt:  a six pack valued at more than $6.  Matt wins.
• People seldom think of Beer as more than a singular unit.  Especially when drinking beer, most folks just don't realize the savings when buying in bulk.  Example:  there is a party, and Matt buys a keg.  You come over and say, "Great party, Matt.  Say, how much did that keg of Sam Adams cost you?" and Matt says, "Forget about it.  You owe me a beer."  In the meantime, Matt is quietly figuring up in his head that the keg cost him $110, but that it holds a little bit more than 124 pints.  Each pint of beer that some sponge drinks that night means Matt is out 90 cents, but if they pay him back by buying a pint at the Beer Garten ($3.75 each) then Matt is up by $2.85.  With this kind of exchange, a party-goer can drink a half gallon of beer, but if they buy him just one pint then Matt is still up by 15 cents.  Matt takes a risk, but it is a calculated risk, since not every person at the party can drink more than 4 pints.  Matt wins.  (besides, Matt is at a keg party!  No matter how few sponges get around to paying him back, Matt still wins.)
• Sooner of later, everyone will owe Matt a Beer.  This is Matt's personal Beer Retirement Account.  The more people Matt meets, the more friends he makes, the more he lends out his time, his expertise, and even occasionally some money, then the more beer he is going to get in return.  Right now I bet Matt has even thought of a way to get everyone playing Get-a-Clue today to owe him a beer.  By the time Matt is 65 (assuming his liver holds out that long...) he expects a beer truck to be pulling into his driveway once a week.  When it comes to Beer, Matt always wins.

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