This song is the one that got me into Metallica.
I spent hours listening to it during the summer of 96 then, in september, my sister and I played Load in the car as we were on our way to see our dad for the first time in four years. It kept my mind from freaking out too much.
This song in particular reflected a place deep inside as no other song had ever did. I say "reflected": I mean it showed it to me, it put me in close contact with it. Face to face. And it was not very nice to look at: it was my wild anger, my destructiveness, something scary that was there and that I couldn't make go away, something I was keeping deep inside, not allowing it to show and that was beginning to go wilder inside its prison, beginning to damage my own self.
…
That is still being damaging my self.
It's still inside, I got more quiet, more serene in front of it but I'm still in front of it, I didn't find a way to re incorporate it to me. I still don't want it.
… More than any other one, this interpretation is really about what the song means to me… Hope it will make some sense for some others…

"Where do I take this pain of mine, I run but it stays right by my side": When you get badly hurt, you tend to try to forget it, to bury it, to turn away from it. You go on living without thinking about it, trying to get a better life, to reach a happiness logically situated far from what hurt you.
But one day, you wake up and find the pain as close as it was at day one. You can still feel it as much as before. You can feel it but because of all the distance, not only a distance in time, you put between it and yourself, between what it is (which is part of what you are) and the one you think you've become, you don't see anymore where this pain is coming from.
You believe you became someone different, someone that couldn't get hurt as you once got hurt, but the pain is still there.
You can run as fast as you want, you can become as strong as you wish, but it stays right by your side, you can't run from a shadow, you can't escape what's inside of you.

"So tear me open, pour me out, there's things inside that scream and shout": When you begin to feel this pain again, to realize it didn't leave you, that it even grew from having been neglected, like your hunger grows if you don't eat, you start to look for a way to get rid of it again.
You wish someone could tear you open and take it out.
You feel this side of you that got hurt and that you put aside became something like a wild animal, now screaming and shouting, furious from having been hurt and then kept on lock.

June, 1st, 2001.

"And the pain still hates me, so hold me until it sleeps": It feels as this "wild animal" hates you, persecutes you : it's trying to brake you, to destroy its prison walls.
You have no idea what to do about it, how to deal with it. The only way you can think of to put out this fire is to turn to someone who can hold you, someone you trust and feel safe with, someone dear to you, someone loving and caring, someone who loves you in spite of this "wild animal" inside you, someone you allow to come close to calm you down when you feel you're starting to lose control . For example like a mother who comes comforting her child, crying and panicked because he's just made a bad dream in the middle of the night.

"Just like the curse, just like the stray, you feed it once and now it stays": This pain is something you want to get rid of, ok. Just like you would want to get rid of a curse, that's clear.
But it's more than that. It is compared to -so experienced as- a stray: either an animal that lost its way and its owner, or an abandoned child.
Here, it's the lost dog. This dog is not yours but it's going to stick to you if you feed it: if you give it attention and care. Like the dog, this horrible pain you feel seems to come from nowhere, you perceive it as something that doesn't belong to you, that is not supposed to be here. You figure it won't be any good if you try to fix it: your attention will feed it and it will only become stronger.
But this stray, whether it is a lost dog or an abandoned child, pictures a being left alone when it should be taken care of…

"So tear me open but beware, there's things inside without a care": Again, you ask someone to help you get rid of these things inside that scream and shout, things so wild and furious that they could blindly hurt anyone once let out, even the ones you love.

"And the dirt still stains me, so wash me until I'm clean" : I'd compare the dirt to these wild angry things you feel inside, things you can't control, that make you sometimes behave in a way you recognize as wrong, as unlike you. Things that make you behave in a way you're not proud of at all : things that stain you.

"It grips you so hold me, it stains you so hold me, it hates you so hold me, it holds you so hold me, until it sleeps": Here, is the writer saying what this thing does to everybody: you, me, him…? Or is he saying that this thing grips, stains,… the one who is holding him ? Is the one he loves hated by the screaming thing inside?
It may look weird but not if you consider that from the hurt has grown anger and rage, furious monsters that can't love.

"So tell me why you've chosen me": The pain seems to be here for a reason unknown of you, like a curse it persecutes you but comes from God knows where… Like cancer, the subject this song is supposed to be about (smile).
You try to find a meaning to it, to give it sense… Something meaningless would be worse than anything… So it just can't have no reason why : you have to turn to it, you have to examine and understand it to discover its meaning, its source, its goal.

"Don't want your grip, don't want your greed": You feel it's something insatiable, it wants something from you and whatever it is you give to it, hoping it will calm its hunger, it's never enough.

"I'll tear me open, make you gone, no more can you hurt anyone" : So the only solution is to pull it out and you realize it's yours to do it : you don't want those wild things inside to hurt anyone you care for, anyone trying to help you.

"And the fear still shakes me, so hold me until it sleeps. It grips/stains/hates/holds you, so hold me, until it sleeps. I don't want it, don't want it…": But to pull all this out, you have to face it and grab it with both hands and what you see is ugly, powerful, scary.

"So tear me open, but beware, there's things inside without a care, and the dirt still stains me, so wash me, 'till I'm clean... I'll tear me open, make you gone, no longer will you hurt anyone, and the fear still shapes me so hold me, until it sleeps... Until it sleeps...": Here is how it ends : you're torn between the desire to make it go away and your incapacity to do so. No matter how strongly you want it gone, it has a will of its own, as strong as yours, and it wants to stay.
It can sometimes calm down, withdraw deep inside, fall asleep but never loose grip nor strength, it's always there, a frightening wild thing lurking in the dark. It looks like there's nothing you can do about it so fear finally overcomes, forcing you to just wait until it sleeps.

Golum, the dark, angry and disgusting little creature from the Lord of the Rings comes to my mind when I listen to this song. Golum hates the sun, lives in the underworld, eat raw fish, stinks and is just obsessed with its "treasure" (a magic golden ring, for those who have not read the book). He's small but his greed is huge and makes him vicious, very strong and dangerous.
Many times, the hero has the opportunity to kill him but keep himself from doing so, remembering the words of the wise Gandalf, his counsellor, who said that even Golum could be of some help some day. And indeed, Golum helps him, in his own way.
Well, of course the song is not about Golum, it's about a pain that drives you mad.
The line about the stray is the one that brings to me the more insight when I search for a positive point of view to all this. It tells me that the screaming and shouting things inside grew from a part of you you've abandoned, from a part of you that has suffered a terrible hurt, a terrible lack of love.
Once, or maybe many times, someone saw this part of you and violently reacted against it in a way that was saying: "This is not worth any love, this is unacceptable". I would compare this behavior to putting a dark light in that part, or shutting down its light, transforming it into an underworld where what lives has to transform and adapt to the darkness to survive.
But at the same time, to survive, you turn away from it, you cut yourself from it and try to forget it's part of you because of the hurt it carries and because you don't ever want to have someone telling you again: "This is not worth any love". So what lives now in under worlds grows out of your control, without you even noticing it.
And one day, something happens, maybe another strong hurt, maybe just life putting some order to itself and the under worlds come back to your memory, you suddenly become aware of the screams coming from there. You try to shut them up but they won't. You try to see where they're coming from but see only darkness. You decide to go for an exploration, to discover what's screaming and why it's screaming and what you encounter horrifies you. It's a Golum and it's there inside you, part of you.
You can't cut it off, you can't pull it out, no matter how strongly you fight it, it's as strong as you, just thinking about it scares the hell out of you.
Only the arms of someone who loves you can calm you down. But it doesn't solve anything yet it gives a glimpse of the way out I see. It shows that love can make it.
Some love brought to you by someone can make it for a while: it stops the symptoms but doesn't cure the disease… because no one can bring back light to your under worlds but yourself. Where you've been once told "This is not worth any love", you can come back with love, with light, and stand there, allowing the wild creatures to quit their ways adapted to darkness and come back to their initial ones.
Turning your light inwards is less easy than trying to turn it outward: your mind has it hard to look at yourself and be satisfied with what it sees… And you end up following it and its calculating ways, judging what you don't like inside unworthy of your own love.
The trick is not to be satisfied with yourself (=once I'll be there, I'll be happy) but to love yourself anyway, which is the only way to really love…
Actually, I see this as forgiveness… loving anyway.

August, 7-8th, 2001.

The funny thing is me writing that kind of stuff when I've spend most of those past two months in pain and anger over events that happened years ago.
I see what I write and it feels good/right writing it. I mean I agree with it…
I'd say I'm in the process of accepting all this pain and anger, of uncovering it and let it see the light of day.
Which means living it, feeling it. And it hurts and it's heavy.
But it is what is here now. It's a chance to embrace it and allow the broken pieces to melt together. Turning away from it would be leaving it for later.
Life/the Universe is continually in motion, putting order to itself, I just have to let it do that with me.

August, 15th, 2001-8:30am.