Keith's Joke of the Week

February 20, 2001

Keith is our very own Henny Youngman, except he's not Jewish and he's not dead. Oh, and he doesn't play the violin. Below are a few of his best(?).

This Week's Joke:

A man is about to turn 80 years old, so his buddies chip in and get him a hooker.

That night, the man's doorbell rings as he's reading his newspaper. He shuffles to the door, and opens it to see a buxom woman in a short skirt and low-cut blouse. She says, "Hi, are you Raymond?" He replies, "Yes, I am."

"Well, my name is Barbara and I'm here to give you super sex!"

Raymond thinks a moment, then says, "Well, miss, I'm not getting any younger, so I think I'll have the soup."

Keith's Joke Archive:

A man goes into a grocery store. He walks up to the checkout counter with one beer, one can of soup, a travel-sized tube of toothpaste, and a single roll of toilet paper.

The checkout girl says, "You must be single."

The man says, "Why, yes, I am. How could you tell?"

"Because you're ugly as hell."

Why don't barrcudas eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Did you hear about the blonde who was driving cross-country?
She saw a sign that said, "Clean Restrooms Ahead." By the time she reached the coast, she'd cleaned 2,645 restrooms.

What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
The runway.

Please address all hate mail to Keith at this address.

What happened when the blonde gave her boyfriend a blowjob while he was driving?
He wrecked the motorcycle.

A man walks into a pharmacy. He looks around, then asks the druggist in a hushed voice, "Um....can I get Viagra here?" The pharmacist smiles and replies, "Why, yes, you can." The man shuffles his feet and asks, "Well, can I get it over the counter?"

The druggist replies, "Sure, but you'll have to take about three of them."

Two blondes race into a railway station and run up to the ticket window. The first blonde points to a train sitting on the tracks and says breathlessly, "Will that train take me to Memphis?"
The ticketmaster glances over at the train and, seeing the lighted sign reading PHILADELPHIA over the engine's windshield, says, "No."
The second blonde pants, "Well, will it take ME to Memphis?"

This duck waddles into a bar. He flaps his way up onto a stool. The bartender looks at him warily and says, "What do you want?" The duck surveys the scene and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender looks at him quizzically and replies, "No, we don't have any grapes! This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, we serve beer! And we don't cater to ducks, either, so get out of here!" The duck shrugs, hops down off the stool, and waddles out the door.

A couple of days pass. The duck waddles back in. Up onto the stool he goes, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," the bartender says testily, "I told you a couple of days ago, we don't have any grapes. I also told you we don't serve ducks. Now take yourself home before I call the police!" The duck waddles away.

Another couple of days go by, and in comes the duck AGAIN. Flaps up onto the same stool, and motions to the bartender. He comes over and the duck asks, "Got any grapes?"

"NO!" explodes the bartender. "This is a BAR! We don't have PRODUCE! It's not a FRUIT STAND! And I've TOLD you we don't serve DUCKS! Now take your feathered ass out of here, or I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor and let the customers throw darts at you!" Unruffled, the duck shrugs, hops down, and waddles out.

A week passes, and then a familiar figure waddles into the bar. He makes his way onto the barstool, and waits patiently. The bartender comes over and says, through clenched teeth, "Can I help you?"

"Got any nails?"

The bartender is puzzled. "No," he answers.

"Got any grapes?"

Why does Saddam Hussein wear a turban on his head?
To hide the circumcision scars.

What's the difference in a cheap 70s porn movie and SPICE WORLD?
The porn movie has better music.

What do you get when you put Monica Lewinsky & Tonto in the same car?
A blown injun.

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