In high school I was vaguely aware that I was gay. That is to say, I had a strong suspicion of my difference, hated myself for it and did everything in my power to deny this reality to myself and everyone in my life. Denial is a very happy place for those in turmoil about their identity. And that is where I stayed for my entire adolescence. Up until the time I allowed myself to admit I was a lesbian, I was extremely homophobic. I had nothing but negative images in my head about what being gay meant and how gays and lesbians were regarded by society. I had no gay role models, no positive reinforcement and absolutely no one I could talk to about anything I was going through. I was depressed and felt isolated and alone. I realize now the systemic forces that perpetuate homophobia in schools and keep fear an institutionalized element of the curriculum. But the intellectual progress does not change the hurt and confusion of those teenage years. I came out in college, where finally I was able to thrive in an environment that encouraged compassion, understanding and acceptance, where people talked about homosexuality in a context of social oppression rather than in terms of inherent good and evil. I lived with people who valued rebellion, revolution and discovery, in a town unmistakably nonconformist. I had out professors who offered their support. There was a GLBT (Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender) club on campus that provided outreach. And so I began a long process of social reeducation, as I tried to reconcile myself with the terrible cultural myths about gays and lesbians that only encourage ignorance and hate. And as I became more comfortable with myself, I began my coming out process to my friends and family. The first person that I ever told I was gay was an open-minded straight friend who assured me of her friendship and support. With this positive experience behind me, I began to tell others. The next person I told was my sister, who also was overwhelmingly supportive. Despite my fears of rejection, I never doubted that I needed to be honest with people in my life. As hard as coming out can be, it is essential to becoming a whole person, confident about who you are. There are still those who don't know I'm gay. For the most part, I "pass." There are a thousand situations every day that require me to either tell someone I'm gay or remain silent. Mostly I stay silent. The privileges of being straight in a heterosexist society are something that most people take for granted. Our social consciousness needs to change to accommodate true diversity. Gays and lesbians are denied basic civil rights solely on the basis of orientation. We are led to believe that fairness and equality are universal and available for the taking, but they are not. I live in a world where I am ridiculed for being myself, for walking down the street with a girl, threatened with violence, denied marriage, reminded that I am either something to laugh at or something to despise. And even though my being a lesbian is regarded with intense speculation and judgment, it is really only a small part of who I am. Above all, I wish for a world where people can feel safe to express themselves in every capacity - even in high school. I think it is unfortunate that gay teachers are forced to remain closeted at school. I think it is unfortunate that most attempts to implement school clubs and programs for gay youth are impeded by administrators who would rather abide by the status quo than care for students that often need it the most. The fates of gay youth often amount to suicide attempts and running away. This is not because being gay is a sickness, or a sin, or a shame. It is because we willingly turn our backs on kids that only need to be told that they are OK, and that they have people who support them. Homosexuality is not pathological and is without intrinsic meaning. It is part of the human condition that has existed in all cultures, in every civilization throughout time. Legislation, religion or therapy will never change it. I wish for a world where we can recognize our differences without passion and condemnation. I wish for a world where gay kids can be who they are and can live their lives without fear. I was lucky to have such wonderful family and friends. Perhaps I was lucky that I didn't come out until after high school. Comments can be sent to the author at redwoodhoney@hotmail.com.