Life was never easy for sophomore Jacob Miller*, but he is trying to break free of the pain and violence that once kept him prisoner. Miller was born in East Oakland, the third to last of 14 siblings. His mother did drugs while she was pregnant with him, and as a result Miller has holes in his heart. Miller's father never lived with the family and his mother was constantly gone from the home while he was young, so he never truly knew her. "In my real family, they're all in jail and dead," Miller said. "We ain't really close, and I don't really know them, but I still got mad respect for my real mom. She gave me life and we're always gonna connect for that factor." When Miller was three, he was taken away from his mother by Child Protective Services. He was sent from one foster home to another, never finding a permanent house he could call "home." That changed when Miller moved to Stockton at the age of six to live with the Johnsons*. "The people I've been living with now are cool," Miller said. "My foster mom is like the mother I never had. But she doesn't always understand me and I don't always understand her. She put me in her family, but I still feel like an outsider." Miller constantly got into fights throughout his childhood. He learned how to fight from his step-father, who used to be a boxer, and his friends. "In first grade I was suspended every other week," Miller said. "I got into fist fights with everyone - girls, guys, parents." This all cumulated in sixth grade, when Miller joined a gang. They called themselves BGC - the "Baby Gangsta Cribs." This is the gang he is still with today, although it has a different name. "We all came from similar backgrounds," Miller said. "To join, I had to beat someone up to prove I was the hardest, you know, I was the toughest." The gang has members from all over Northern California, mostly Oakland and Stockton. They count over 100 members in their ranks. "Gangs aren't really a bunch of drug dealers," Miller said. "We're mostly about where you're from and whose gang is better. They're all like family to me. You represent to the fullest, even if it means losing your life." Miller's nickname is "Crazy T." He got it two years ago after he threw a girl through a second story window. "She was pretty f--d up," Miller said. "But I wasn't tripping because she disrespected my mother. I don't let people get into my face." Through the gang, Miller was involved in such activites as stealing cars and clothes. However, the main purpose was to prove to rival gangs that your gang is the best. To do this, Miller and his fellow members fought other gangs, at times carrying guns and other weapons. "We picked on people because they're weaker and beat people up because they looked at us wrong," Miller said. Miller has been trying to stay out of fights and avoid violence, even though he still technically belongs to the gang. He was suspended only twice last year for fighting. "I've been shot at lots of times," Miller said. "My cousin was in the hospital because he was shot in the mouth. My foster mom, she got shot at. I've seen a lot of people just disappear. It's too much for me." Miller has been in the gang for six years and is tired of the continuing cycle of violence and hate. "It's boring, because it seems like we're always fighting the same fight," Miller said. "It's like watching the same episode of Ricki Lake. We're always fighting for the same reasons." He also feels the fights he gets in on his own are senseless and a waste of time. "Me and my boy got into this stupid fight over a girl," Miller said. "Yeah, I fought him and I won. But I got suspended. That makes me hard? Because I fought him and got suspended? No, you don't gotta fight." Miller hopes he was a future, but he isn't sure he can completely turn his life around. "It's not too late for me but it's a struggle," Miller said. "I just want to be me, but at the same time I want to be a normal kid. I don't want to be considered that kid that's never been nothing or will be nothing. I'm only 17 and I don't want my foster mom to get that phone call 'your son ain't gonna make it." Miller hopes his younger brother, who also attends Bear Creek and lives with the same foster family, will live a better life and have better opportunities than he had. "I try to watch out for my little brother because he's like a son to me," Miller said. "He watches me and wants to do what I do. But I don't want him to be like me." Miller will not allow his younger brother to join a gang and hopes he will have to opportunity to go to college. Miller also has a daughter, who was born last spring. "I see her now and then," Miller said. "It happened at a party, but I didn't find out until a year later." Miller's father died this January. "I've only talked to my dad twice," Miller said. "His death wasn't that big of a deal for me." In December or February he leaves the foster system. He plans to stay with his foster mom and eventually support himself. "I don't want to depend on her for the rest of my life," Miller said. "I've learned you can't always depend on other people because they let you down. I'm going to get a real job and look out for my brother and my little girl." In the mean time, Miller is trying to survive. "I'll probably just fade away," Miller said. "I want to slip through the cracks and let everyone forget about me. I want to live my life." *name changed