When writing this little ditty about "college life," aside from taking a nap (college students' favorite pastime), I had a couple of options. I could inspire you. You know - get all schmucky and tell about my thirst for knowledge and how I live for classes. The exhilarating feeling of finally figuring out how to get your first class. Or...I could scare the crud out of you. Describe the livid details of watching the toothpaste build-up in the sink turn greener every day, and the dorm food that strangely resembles the toothpaste fungus. Or even mention the horrors of going to class with 800 people who smell like they overdid it a little with the chili-cheese fries. But I won't do that. Instead I'm gonna let you in on a few secrets to college life that Bertha, your freshman orientation leader, would never dream of telling you. Prepare yourself. Grab a pen and paper (and maybe a soda - this may take a while). So let's play Who Wants to be a Millionaire!! (Wait...never mind.)
Though the public school system has been trying for years to convince us otherwise, hats are an essential part of getting an education. I tested this out for myself after a rather unfortunate accident involving my room keys and my forehead. Avoiding the gory details, I found myself in class the next day decked out in my roommate's hat.
Then suddenly I felt it - (dum dum DUM!) the HAT VIBE. I found myself instantly connecting with other hat wearers in the room. We wore hats. We were cool. Knowledge fairly flew into my head. I could hardly keep track of all I was learning. It musta gotten stuck in between my head and the hat. From then on, I made sure I wore a hat constantly. (Well except for that time we had to check our partner's hair for lice during biology). And I'll be darned if it didn't work...mostly.
I don't know how it happened, but once I stepped onto my school campus, I had this overpowering craving for bagels. Stacks and stacks of bagels (with nice juicy eggplant on the side). I discovered that bagels are a college student's brain food. Literally. Especially those nice crispy burned onces, which is the only kind they sell at BYU. The little black crispy bits must do some fun little dance with brain cells that allow 18-25 year olds to think something besides "Must find a place to sleep."
Yes, my little BCHS friends, eat bagels! Eat many! Don't worry about studying for that Astro-physics 570 final! Just eat more bagels...while wearing a hat...while wearing a hat! How could you go wrong? (Don't ask.)
There is this strange phenomenon with college students. An obsession with e-mail. Any time there is a spare moment (or even a half a moment) the exodus begins. Eyes glaze over, hands stretch out.. the chant begins, "Must check e-mail! Must check e-mail!" So they do. The school thought they should do something about all the stampede marks left on the way to the computer labs, so they set up "Access Point Kiosks" - computers in every building with the express purpose of checking e-mail. Bad choice.
Forget classes, forget eating! Just check your e-mail all day! I had professors that would just e-mail us our class notes so they wouldn't have to set through 50 minutes of watching us inhale our bagels and gossip about the new hat fads. Believe me, e-mail is the key to success. Never forget it.
So amidst the hustle and bustle of the end of the school year, take some time to reflect on the way life is going to change for you next fall. (Uh, freshmen, read this again in three years.) Remember that life is just beginning, take hold of your future and make it what you want it to be. Plan ahead, and bring disinfectant for the toothpaste scum (AND the dorm food). But most of all, find yourself a nice, sturdy hat, and don't let it get out of your sight for a second! Your acceptance to grad school depends on it! Good luck, and may you never forget the velocity of the laden African swallow.