Entertainment Editor
Hello, my friend - just the person I was looking for. I am in need of some help to carry out my intricately engineered plans, and I cannot do it alone. Well, see ... um, I need a few loyal recruits to help execute my world domination plans.
Forget about Pinky, the Brain, or even Dr. Evil. They will never take over the world before I will. Before I accept any new recruits, let me unveil my world domination plans. Oops, did I say that too loudly? For the sake of secrecy, let us call my world domination plots my "zucchini bread recipe."
That oughta throw U.S. Intelligence off.
As I was laying out my plots in the dark, candle-lit room, I came upon the one thing all of Pinky and the Brain's plans lacked: weapons that cause fear. Sorry, Newton's laws of science and mathematical calculations are not enough.
The weapon to be deployed in the "zucchini bread recipe," are trained attack ducks. Attack ducks, yes! Those ducks near the A-wing portables will do. MUAH HA HA HA HA (I'm ripping off Dr. Evil's laugh).
If I rule the world, I will establish myself as emperor. Hey, I don't want to be a mad dictator (I'm just a really ambitious one). I will do many good deeds. No one will ever have to rent annoying, unrewound Blockbuster videos.
Since I'll rule the world, I can do anything I want! Let's start with my personal pet peeves. I will prohibit all of them: fake fingernails and rap music (except the one that goes "back dat thang up"), and those annoying previews on video rentals. Everyone will love and worship my pet Holland lop rabbit, Beavis. And everyone will be watched by my secret police to make sure no one ever badmouths Campbell's chicken noodle soup. Anyone who gets caught will be locked into a cage full of vicious attack ducks.
Hmmm ... secret police, oppressing rap, and attack ducks. Come to think of it, I don't think many people will like me at all. If I ruled the world, I would be overthrown. Worst yet, I'd be left with no buddy at all, alone.
Absolute power, prestige, material riches, and being a tough guy is probably not worth losing people close to you. Maybe trying to take over the world isn't a good idea after all.
A voice stirs in the other room. "What are you doing at two o' clock in the morning? Go to sleep."
"Um ... I was just working on my ... 'zucchini bread recipe' ... that's all." I slip on my green plaid boxers, a shirt, and hop into bed.
Besides, who needs to rule the world when I've got Campbell's chicken noodle soup?
The flashlight clicks off. Darkness.