What are we looking for, anyway? by delicate flower Have you ever noticed the large number of women in the D/s or bdsm lifestyle that have been abuse victims prior to becoming submissives? Ever since finding the lifestyle, I have wondered about that. Based mostly on my personal past, I have drawn some theories about why that is. Let me tell you a story about me…. Ever since I was a little girl, like many little girls, I have dreamed of the man I would one day love. Strong, brave, kind, gentle, someone who would make me feel safe. That is what many of us dreamed of. Then, along came this man, who gave me a feeling of safety. I felt that he was going to take care of me, and I could relax and just be. For a while, that's exactly what happened. Then, one day, I realized I was taking care of him, not the other way around. And, I could never do it right! I wasn't good enough, what I did wasn't good enough, and my needs were never even discussed. Sound familiar? That wasn't the man of my dreams, that was my first abuser. He was followed by several others, culminating in a marriage of 15 years to the one who almost destroyed me. By the time I got out of that one, I was no longer sure who I was or what I needed. I just knew I deserved to find out. I worked really hard on my abuse recovery. I became strong, able to take care of me and my kids, all by myself. I gave up the dream of this wonderful man who would take care of me. I called it a fairy tale. But my heart ached because that dream was a lie. I had so wanted it to be real. One November day, a little over a year after I left my husband, this man came into my life. It was an "accident" that we met at all. Personally, I don't believe in coincidence. That's what we call the things we don't understand. I was overcome by his sheer presence, without a clue why. I had no intention of sleeping with him, but found myself in my bed with him in record time. I simply was unable to deny him. Unable to resist him. Some of you have guessed what the connection was, but no peeking at the ending, now…….. He came by to visit many more times over the next several months, and we talked. I had fallen hopelessly in love that first day, but refused to admit it for a long time. I was scared to love. All the other men in my life had hurt me so badly, and the risk was too great. So I ran. I ran from my feelings for him, and dated other men. Of course, they were all lacking. And then, I got a computer. I quickly discovered chat rooms. Oh, that was fun! I met many, many people, and had a wonderful time. One night I met a man who told me he was a Dom, and asked me if I knew what that was. I had a vague idea. Over the next several weeks, he introduced me to the D/s lifestyle. Bit by bit, he showed me that I was a submissive, and what that meant. I read. I read a lot! I could not get enough of reading and learning about this wonderful new world. Much of what I read both scared and excited me. The strangest thing began to happen. Everything I read, everything I learned, reminded me of the man I loved. We were still keeping in touch, and one day I asked him if he knew of the lifestyle. I was sure he was Dom. He didn't tell me right away, and let me continue to explore on my own. Then one day, he showed me. In the middle of a phone call, I found myself responding to him by saying "Yes, Sir," and "No, Sir." To this day, I cannot tell you exactly what he said or did that caused that response. It was subtle, but very real. Over time, I finally admitted how I felt for him, and eventually asked to serve him. He is truly the best Master I could ever have hoped for. I am now where I have always wanted to be, and I found out that my girlish dream was not a fairy tale, after all. Why did I tell you all this, you ask? Because I wanted to make a point. I believe that many of us who are submissive by nature, first found abusers, in our quest for a man we could love. I think abusers seem to have many of the qualities that we look for in a Dominant. The truly sad thing is that in an abuser, it is counterfeit. It is a lie. They seem to be willing and able to take care of us and guide us, but they are actually looking for someone to take care of them, while they retain the power. Dominance is a gift, while abuse is a nightmare. I wonder if all abuse victims are actually submissives who don't know it yet. Now, here is my theory. To quote a popular on-line cliché, your mileage may vary. I don't know it all, yet, by any means. I believe that most women are submissive by nature. I believe that most of us want a Dominant to take care of us, and who we can serve. I believe that God intended it to be that way. I believe that many of us have been seeking a man to serve for most of our adult lives. I believe that many of us thought we found what we sought, only to have him turn out to be an abuser, an imposter. When we do find a real Dominant that fits our needs, and we can meet his, we cherish it all the more, because of having had the imitation. Of course, there are many other choices within the lifestyle, and out. There are submissive men, and Domme women, not to mention gay and lesbian couples. I don't have any experience there to form any theories. Let me just say, if it makes you happy, then it must be right for you!