The
Book of Gid *NEW!*
A better belief system
Gid requests, urges and
implores you to understand His Word. And to that effect, Gid has prepared this
document (hereafter referred to as the Book Of Gid) in which His word will be imparted,
and then explained with appropriate historical proofs noted in the margins. Gid
asks you to ignore any lack of logic inherent in His Book.
The
Word of Gid is the word fast. The Concise Oxford Dictionary has over 17
different definitions of that great word, which can be used as both an
adjective and adverb[1].
Many phrases can be constructed with this truly versatile utterance, such as fast
track, fast forward and pull a fast one. Gid encourages you
to invent your own adaptations. He will give a prize to anybody who can
incorporate the word oatmeal with His Glorious Word. “Oatmeal is fast to cook”
has been ruled out, as He believes oatmeal is a challenging and complex dish[2].
Gid,
in His address to the nation of March 18, 1984[3],
outlined the Gidian moral code in a short parable, herein referred to as the
Parable of the Missing Nail Clippers (also known as the Hard Luck of Nehru)
Nehru, son of Ovip and brother to Gerald the snake
duster, was a small man in a big, big world. Nehru was unhappy with his
stature, so he started an internet company, which sadly collapsed over 2000
years ago when he couldn’t find a power outlet. It was during this search, a
search that lasted most of his weekend, that he lost his nail clippers. These
nail clippers had been given to Nehru from Gid Himself, through the unusual but
now considered glorious method of throwing them at him using the arm of a young
juvenile delinquent. Nehru treasured these nail clippers, but now that they
were lost, he was forced to cut his nails with his teeth[4].
This
passage has perplexed all scholars of Gid ever since its presentation, as the
deity refers to Himself in the third person. Auerbach contends that this
paradox is actually a subliminal message to all would-be worshippers to accept
Gid into their own hearts, BEFORE they learn of His existence, thus creating a
lovely paradox that can be studied further[5].
Gid Himself, in the conclusion of the said address, instructed all of His
GidDoctors and public relations employees to interpret this story however they
liked, but never to sway from its intended meaning, and its implication of a
strict moral code. Using His considerable wit, he ended with a joke –
There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, “It is just as I feared.
Two owls and a hen,
Have all built their nests in my beard!”
The
audience, comprised mainly of fishmongers and ex-bible salesmen laughed
heartily, as it had been widely reported at the time of Gid’s personal distaste
for beards[6].
Upon
further probing in parliament, Gid alluded to the dangers of spleen worship,
quoting sayings from the eminent Asian and Gid’s long time squash partner, Sun
Tzu: “No ruler should put troops into the field merely to gratify his own
spleen” It is therefore advised to all Gidians to deny the existence of
your spleen. THERE IS NO SPLEEN. To deny the spleen is to go straight to the
GreenPrettyFields (see below) after the electricity stops flowing through your
brain. The spleen is what causes uncleanliness and immorality, Sun Tzu
recognised this and applied it to the art of mathematics, you too must
recognise this and apply it to your own less interesting life.
Therefore
Gidian morality can be described primarily as concerned with beards and
personal hygiene. Nobody unsoiled can ever be considered morally culpable as
long as they deny the existence of their spleen, unless they do something
REALLY bad, like blowing up a apartment block, or teasing an old person.
Gid
believes that all humans, men, women and those whose genders are slightly more
ambiguous, deep down believe in Him. A Gidian belief comes with birth, and even
before that; Gid often asserts that all believe in him at the moment of
conception. Therefore there can be nobody opposed to a true faith in Gid,
regardless of superficial denial. Denial of Gid is just the mental
manifestation of an awe of his supremacy.
However
this is DEFINITELY NOT to be used as an excuse to not force your belief in Gid
upon others. Gid instructs in his List of Three that you should scream the Word
of Gid as loud as possible, as often as possible:
1.
Call
out the Word of Gid as often as possible. Scream it, yell it, shriek it, yelp
it and screech it until you are physically constrained, and then mumble it
incessantly until your are rendered unable. The greatest compliment that you
can give to Gid is to stand up on a train, yell out ‘FAST!’, and sit down
again. To repeat this simple exercise is to become truly Glorious. In fact this
is one of the criteria for entry into the GreenPrettyFields
2.
No
true religion is complete without a frenzied preacher. Gid urges ALL of his
followers to become frenzied preachers. To do so, you must place your hand on
the faces of all the people you meet and murmur famous passages in Latin. Gid
recommends the histories of Tacitus, and some of the poetry of Catullus,
particularly the ‘I love but I hate’ (sic) one.
3.
All
those who don’t publicly admit their belief in the one true Gid must be rung at
least once a day, and forced to recant their denial on national television[7].
The more Christians, Buddhists,
Hindus, Muslims and Taoists you can convert into Giddists, the more fun you
will have in the GreenPrettyFields. Gid expects a minimum of FIVE (5)
conversions per day, and, through the great GidDoctor Newell[8],
has provided a convenient conversion scorecard for you to photocopy:
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Note: Catholics and Taliban count for two. Popes count for six.
Gid
is unbothered by criticism and bigotry directed towards Him, as there is a
special place in the PermanentGloomy set aside for those who may defile his
name, but Gid instructs all of His people to kill those who may cuss against
him, so that they will be in that room while He still remembers what they said.
Those
who read the Glorious Book of Gid and then proceed to point out its flaws or
lack of morality or contradictions or stuff like that should be dispatched with
the phrase ‘It is Gid’s will’ and a fly kick to the face.
In
March of 1653, in an unprecedented frenzy of activity, Gid spent an entire
night developing his theory of the separation between Gid and Government[9].
Gid wants to control government, and that is the way it must be. Gid’s centre
of control, or as is ordained by his glorious edict, the ‘Hub of Command’, is
to be based in the island of Mayotte. The Republic of France currently governs
Mayotte, but as it is next to Madagascar, Gid asserts that France does not need
it anyway. Gidians are instructed to petition the French to hand over the
island to their one true lord. If this fails, Gid believes that a suicide
bomber in the Louvre will bring the mighty country to its knees.
This
Hub of Command is to be in no way confused with the Vatican City, as the two
cities will be located in totally different continents. Gid instructs that the
language of Mayotte be Malagasy, because that way when people travel to
Madagascar for food and clothing from the Hub of Command, they can communicate.
Gid has already started learning this wonderfully diverse language, and has
applied for a Visa to travel there. He urges you to do the same. A few useful
phrases are provided by Gid –
- I’m thirsty. Where is the Hub of
Command?
- Mangetaheta aho. Aiza Hub du
Command?
To
which the friendly Madagascan will most likely reply –
Which
means ‘Go Away!’- a welcoming gesture in their primitive society. Note
that the letter j sounds like dz, although Gid recommends that
you just snap your fingers and invoke a Gidian curse if you have a problem.
Appropriate vaccinations for contact with the natives are available at most
Gidian temples[10]. Again, any
problems with Madagascan can be usually solved screaming the Word of Gid until
your throat hurts.
Gid’s
authority on earth is the Great Gidian Leader. The Great Gidian Leader lives in
the Hub of Command on Mayotte, and has a weekly conference with Gid himself
where Gid gives him some hints and tips on how to rule. The Great Gidian Leader
reserves the right to make universal laws on all sorts of matters, included
Hard Rubbish Collection
Traffic Laws
Capital Punishment
Jokes
Grain Prices
Character Development
Education
These
laws are binding for all people and animals in the universe. To deny the
validity of these laws is to follow the spleen, and to ensure a place in the
PermanentGloomy. Any appeal against a human law is to go straight Gid’s
glorious court of appeals, the Temple of Decisions. (see Gid’s Decisions)
On
another relevant State/Gid topic – Gid commands that the Word of Gid is
displayed everywhere, and if it isn’t displayed on EVERY building, every
T-Shirt and on the bottom of every sandal, then he will reek havoc upon all
people, believers and non-believers. IT IS UP TO THE BELIEVERS IN GID TO ENSURE
THE SAFETY OF ALL MAN AND WOMAN. Politicians, let your belief in Gid guide your
every decision, your every movement, every under-the-table deal. Voters, never
vote in a politician who does not believe in Gid, for if they do not believe,
then how can they rule FOR Him? All the anti-Gidian politician will do is rule
through his spleen, he will embrace all that his spleen asks for, and then
EVERYBODY WILL DIE. This country was founded on Gidian principles; it is only
due to the unhealthy cult of the spleen that it has wavered from those perfect
ideals.
Follows
is a True[11] account of
what happens to you after you die.
Once
you die, six angels, all of whom smoke for a living, pick up your body. These
cancerous angels carry you to their car, and take you the docks via the
shortest road possible, although they have been known to detour if there is a
restaurant nearby that takes their fancy[12].
You are then placed on an enormous ship, invisible to all those who are still
living but nonetheless VERY REAL. The ship will then sink, spilling glorious
crude oil into the ocean, and you will keep sinking until you end up in a small
room, with a lamp and a table. Upon that table you are to fill out the Sacred
Form[13],
a pen will be provided. This room can be considered a sort of Gidian Purgatory,
but you only remain in it as long as it takes to complete the form. Don’t worry
if you cannot fill out all the questions, if you answer the important ones you
should be fine. Then an angel wearing a hockey mask and brandishing a large
knife will choose whether you are to travel to the GreenPrettyFields or to go
to the PermanentGloomy.
GreenPrettyFields
is a lovely place, where the sun is always shiny and the people are always
happy. There are lots of pretty girls in the GreenPrettyFields. Gid Himself
resides upon these fields; his house is on top of the main hill, surrounded by
apple trees. Gid recommends that you pick an apple from the trees regularly,
but He assures you that there isn’t any catches. There is a stream flowing
through the centre of the fields, and there are lots of trout for you to catch
and cook on the wood-fuelled barbecues. Axes are available upon request, but
don’t cut down any apple trees; there is a woodpile behind Gid’s shed. There
are no bull ants in the GreenPrettyFields, so you needn’t worry about sitting
down. You can also borrow books, audiotapes, videos and DVDs from Gid’s large
collection. There is the Fantastic Unicorn, that Gid lets people ride whenever
he feels that they have done something deserving, like told a funny joke or
drawn a nice picture. Each night there is a party, alcohol provided. Gid sends
a group of five or six dead people up to earth to purchase the drinks, this
group is organised on a rotational basis. This group likes to harass those who
are living, and often drink a large amount whilst on earth, before Gid sees
them[14].
It
is hard to get into the GreenPrettyFields. Either the angel who wears a hockey
mask has to like you a lot, or you have to sneak in. If the angel doesn’t like
you, you might as well try to sneak in, because you’ve really got nothing to
lose. Kick him in the shins and run past; it has worked before[15].
The
PermanentGloomy is where everybody else gets sent, for it is they who have
embraced the badness of the spleen. Attention to your spleen, even
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of the existence of your spleen will get you sent here. This
dark, depressing place can only be compared to a shopping mall when the lights
have gone out, moss has started to grow down the walls, there is two inches of
dirty water on the ground and the ceiling has been painted a dark purple. The
PermanentGloomy was created by Gid; he does not claim to be an all-loving
deity, but is more accurately a bit of an asshole if the mood takes him. Often
the PermanentGloomy is visited by delegations from the GreenPrettyFields who
like to laugh and take notes. If anybody in the PermanentGloomy hurts these
delegates, then they will be severely mocked and teased. There IS drinking in
the PermanentGloomy, but it tends to be of turpentine or motor oil.
YOU
WILL EXIST IN EITHER OF THESE PLACES UNTIL THE END OF TIME, OR UNTIL THE LEASE
RUNS OUT, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST
If
you should be so lucky as to meet Gid there are a number of specific protocols
that must be followed to ensure your stay in GreenPrettyFields. You must be
wearing at least one piece of yellow clothing. You cannot be wearing glasses,
whether they are prescription or sunglasses. You must address him as such: ‘Your
regularly venerated and intolerably honourable Gid, ruler of the seven hills,
oath swearer to even the most infirm, advocate of the tango dancer, lease
holder of the two places I will travel to when I die, He who has won the
best and fairest in the Clapham under 11s three years running, and has a black
belt in Judo’ Gid will then reply something like ‘Thank you for the
compliment’ or ‘That was very nice.’ Gid, you will appreciate, is not without
manners. Then you can proceed to ask Him the question that you feel will
explain your own life the best. He will probably know the answer immediately,
but if He doesn’t He will look it up and send it to you later via express post[16].
There
is a totally different protocol for greeting Gid when you see him in the
GreenPrettyFields, but you will be presented with the Book of Gid (Death
Edition) upon arrival in which that protocol is detailed.
Gid
expects you to devote your life to Him. And so He expects you to sell all your
worldly possessions, bury the money that you have obtained from these sales,
and wander the planet searching for a closer connection with Him. You must wear
a black robe, sunglasses, and appropriate footwear. You are to carry only two
items - a copy of the Book of Gid (with poignant passages highlighted), and a
small kit of toiletries[17].
But do not think that the life of Gid is an easy life, filled with women and jokes.
To lead the perfect Gidian life is to endure hardship, as in many countries to
be Gidian is considered loitering. Therefore it would be good to have a Law
degree under your belt, or in your toiletry kit[18].
Gid
expects His monks to carry themselves with honour and humility, to always look
at the sky when speaking, and to tell only the best of jokes. Training is to be
supplied to those monks who aren’t that amusing[19].
The funniest monks are to be rewarded with Gift Vouchers and apples[20].
When a monk is too old to travel any further, he is to be taken to the Hub of
Command, or left on the side of the road to rot, whichever is easier.
Don’t
pray to Gid. Call him, or send him a text message. There is nothing Gid hates
to see more than morons kneeling on the ground and looking at the sky. Gid
isn’t everywhere, He doesn’t know you are praying to Him, and usually you
mumble so He can’t hear it anyway. Prayer is just simply frustrating. But he
does like feedback, and so feel free to call or message him any day. Gid
however probably won’t do you any favours or help you out with anything though,
because He has a destiny all worked out for you already. Whatever you want will
probably conflict with His plans, and why should he change it just for you? Don’t
be so arrogant. Gid has other things to worry about. But feel free to drop him
a line and give him some feedback, he likes that.
In
the beginning there was a seed[21].
From this seed grew a giant Turtle, so big that the eye could not see all of it
at once, unless the eye was very far away. Even Gid was amazed at the size of
Turtle, it scared him a little, and he hesitated before doing anything else[22].
After the Great Hesitation, Gid finally got his act together and created the
earth next to the Turtle. Then, realising that the Turtle was becoming a little
superfluous, he blew it up. Gid walked around the earth for a while, humming to
himself and creating trees and flowers and rivers and mountains and grass. Then
he made animals. First he made the bee. And then he made the elephant and the
giraffe. He stood all three next to each other, looked at them and said ‘Good.
They are a good start.’ The rest of the animals were easy. Birds were just a
small giraffes with wings. Hippos were just short and fat elephants. Ants were
just flightless bees. Fishes were just thin elephants with no arms or legs. But
then at lunchtime Gid looked at the Book of Gid, which he was carrying with him
in a knapsack, and realised that he had nobody to read his great book! Gid was
sad, but he was an all-powerful deity, so he created a woman, and she was
called Doris[23]. Doris was
funny and beautiful. Gid and Doris enjoyed each others company for a long time,
and they had a lot of fun. Soon Gid asked her out on The Date. She accepted!
Gid was so happy, and He prepared everything. He even created a restaurant, and
then He booked a reservation. He brought a bottle of wine, and they had a
lovely romantic meal together[24].
Later they kissed, which was nice. But then she called him the next day and
said that they should just be friends. Gid was devastated. He liked Doris so
much. But being a pragmatic and wise ruler, he decided to create another three
billion females, so hopefully there would be one who actually liked him as more
than a friend. And because three billion females was a little daunting, he
decided to create three billion males too, to even it up a little[25].
Once
these males and females were created, they mated with each other. And because
there were six billion of them, none of them had to mate with their siblings.
And they made cities, and they made economic systems, and libraries and cars
and computers and democracy and postmodernism because they were bored. And they
snacked on biscuits. Eventually Gid looked at all He had created, and realised
that is was terrible. Gid blew it up and made another planet and another six
billion people[26]. These were
no better, but Gid was tired so he just made himself a nice house on the
GreenPrettyFields, and gave up trying to make a good world. This is when Gid
started drinking.
The
people on earth were fighting and teasing each other again. The Sumites had
attacked the great Egyptian city of Nr, and the scared Egyptians were unable to
do anything because of their fear and stupidity. The Head GidDoctor of the
Egyptians at the time was named Rolf, and he spent seven nights praying to Gid
to save them, but the only help Gid gave was monopoly money. Eventually Rolf
stood on the battlements, in the face of all the Sumites and rang his wife, who
was in Paris shopping at the time. “My Wife,” Rolf spake into the phone, “I
love you, but I am afraid I am about to lose the greatest city in Northern
Egypt.” He hesitated, and spoke again. “I love you, as I love Gid, but why has
my Gid deserted me in my hour of need? I have prayed[27]
so often. I understand that sometimes he isn’t listening, because he is at the
bottle shop or chatting on his Glorious Phone, but I have prayed for seven
days. He has still not replied.” And then Gid blew up Rolf and his city of Nr,
because the Sumites had been praying louder and more often, and they were
bribing him under His Glorious Table. The Sumites danced for an entire week to
thank Gid. Gid wasn’t that impressed with the quality of the dancing, but it
was the thought that counted, He felt.
At
the battle afterparty the Sumite General Batyu and a young (female) archer
named Suzanne begat a child called Gerwin. Gerwin was brought up to worship
Gid, and was fed for 10 years only roast bee[28].
Gerwin one day jumped out of his bed and, after screaming the Word of Gid,
followed that scream up with ‘I am going to bring my people proper sanitation!’
This was deemed a noble and glorious aspiration by the Sumite elders and, of
course, Gid himself. As usual there was much rejoicing[29].
Gerwin
travelled to the ocean, where he parted his hair. The next week, Gerwin went
shopping for moccasins, because that is what he thought be a great shoe to wear
while bringing his people proper sanitation (see above). Gid had recommended
that he pick up a pair down in the south of the city, because there was a
really good shop that sold cheap but quality merchandise. Once he placed the
moccasins on his feet an enormous tree fell on his head, killing him instantly.
Thankfully Gid resurrected him as a crab. Gerwin the crab went on to provide
sanitation for all the crabs of the world, and all the crabs rejoiced by
dancing sideways. Even today the name of Gerwin is sacred amongst many
rock-pool dwelling creatures.
The
Head GidDoctor of the Egyptians, having forgiven the Glorious Gid about blowing
up their city, came to Gid and asked him for a favour. Gid was surprised at his
audacity, but being a wise, omnipotent and all-knowing deity, he was interested
in what he had to say. Rolf said[30]
to Gid, “Glorious Gid, we have been very bored and so we started building
pyramids.” Gid looked down at Egypt and he saw, yes, they WERE very nice
pyramids. Gid congratulated Rolf on having chosen such a pleasing shape. But
then Rolf said “I was wondering, Gid my King, if we could borrow a crane and a
couple of large trucks to build even bigger ones? Our donkeys are getting very
tired, and there is a limit of stone our men can fit in their pockets.” Rolf
presented the blueprints to Gid and Gid was impressed by the quality of the
Egyptian’s forethought; the plan even included where they would put the shrubbery.
So He, in his eternal wisdom gave the Egyptians a crane and three trucks, and
because he is SO nice, he threw in a couple of electric sanders and some new
donkeys.
The Egyptians betray Gid
The
Egyptian’s built themselves some bigger pyramids, and some really nice
buildings with the crane and trucks and sanders. But then the Egyptians began
to listen to their spleen, as it called to them from the depths of their torso.
The spleen made the Egyptians begin to worship different deities, like Ra and Isis
and Geb and the Sphinx. They built an enormous monument to the Sphinx and they
adorned their pyramids with stories about the things that these divinities did,
using the industrial equipment that Gid had provided for them. Gid was severely
vexed but he was a little scared of Ra and the Sphinx, so he put a curse on the
Egyptians forcing them to forever wear a rag on their head and making Egypt
really hot and disease infested. The Head Egyptian GidDoctor, Rolf, was made
redundant by this change in spiritual leadership and he became destitute[31].
Gid
then commanded a Sumite, named Aliwulf to go to the village of Tonlid - a long
journey from where the Sumites were camped at the time, and a much longer
journey from Tipperary. Aliwulf set out alone, with only a pile of grain and a
handheld torch. Aliwulf was tempted by his spleen many times in the wilderness,
but he never let it get the better of him[32].
When finally he arrived at Tonlid, Gid burnt it down, as was popular at the
time, and spoke through the flames. Gid said, “I command you, Aliwulf, to
purchase a few more beer nuts, because we are running out in the
GreenPrettyFields.” Aliwulf was surprised that He had burnt down a village just
for beer nuts, and questioned Gid’s motives. Gid admitted that He just wanted
to burn down a village[33].
Aliwulf now had a quest, because Gid had stupidly burnt down the beer nut shop
as well. Aliwulf called his cousin who worked in wholesales and had three tons
of nuts delivered to GreenPrettyFields. Aliwulf then started to chastise Gid
for burning down the village, and was promptly incinerated.
Aliwulf
during his time on earth had been a builder, and he had built Gid a good
temple; strong and firm, not too big, but about big enough to fit two
elephants, or three small ones. This Temple was the Temple of Gid and it was
located somewhere in the Mediterranean[34].
Gid instructed His people to put a lot of oxygen masks down at the entrance to
the temple, which they were to wear while they were in there (but once they
were out they were on their own). In the centre of this beautiful temple was a
large box, which contained the Glorious Liqueur, a liqueur so tasty and so
strong that any person was drunk after the first glass, and it went really nice
with low acidic apple juice. Each weekend the liqueur was to be tasted by the
Head GidDoctor of the time. He would first yell out The Word[35]
and then pray for two hours to Gid, with assistants replenishing his oxygen
supply[36].
Then after that penance, he would drink the Glorious Liqueur from the Glorious
Cup, and he would be drunk, and all would rejoice with him by drinking their
cheaper spirits back on land. This ritual went on for four centuries, until the
Temple of Gid was destroyed by an angry whale. From that moment on, the Great
Gidian Leader goes to the beach each weekend, and looks out, praying to Gid for
two hours. He drinks a six pack of premium mead and yearns to be able to taste
the Glorious Liqueur once again.
Here
is a list of the descendents of Aliwulf. On Aliwulf’s 671st
birthday, he met a pretty girl named Sarah and they had a son named Derek.
Derek lived until he was 365 and at the age of 282 had a son named Ham. Ham had
two daughters and a son, although Gid can’t to this day recall their names. But
the important thing is that one of them had a daughter named Josa.
This
is the story of Josa. Josa had few faults, except for a bit of drug
experimentation when she was younger and her resulting tic. Her thoughts were
always with Gid, and Gid’s thought of her a fair bit, some would contend too
much for a platonic relationship. Gid and Josa would speak often and there
would never be any awkward silences.
One
evening Gid said to Josa, “I have decided to flood the world over the weekend,
and probably a lot longer than that, but I am going to give you a magic ray
which will shrink some[37]
of every animal, plant, strain of bacteria, virus, and whale, so that you will
be able to fit everything in a pencil case. But don’t worry, I will teach you
how to make the pencil case watertight. Coat it with marmalade; that should
work fine. Everything on the earth that you don’t put in the pencil case will
die, but you will swim with the pencil case tied to your foot using string[38].
I hope you are a good swimmer.” And Gid provided a pool for her to practise
swimming in, and Josa was excited about this honor, but a little scared because
the entire plan seemed a little absurd. So she went around and found some of
every animal, plant, strain of bacteria, virus and whale and shrunk them and
put them in the pencil case. There were about four hundred thousand in total.
And she practised often in the swimming pool.
Finally
on Friday evening, Gid exploded all the water from under the ground and
strategic points around the world, creating enormous cavities that can still be
seen today. And Josa started swimming. She swam and she swam. Every so often
she would have to feed every living thing contained in her pencil case with
their specific diet. She was greatly thankful that they had all brought along
with them their own food, because she didn’t know where to get eucalyptus
leaves for the koalas and mulberry leaves for the silkworms. The snakes were
annoying because they kept on eating the mice, but the mice bred like the
rabbits did and kept their respective species alive. The bacteria and small
parasitic creatures finally decided to live in the food store, which made other
animals a little scared to eat, but Josa got Gid’s assurance that none of the
animals would die from an obscure disease. Josa encouraged the animals to
exercise but they weren’t very enthusiastic, because they were scared of
tripping over the hedgehogs. She got the monkeys to do the animal maintenance
tasks such as clipping the horse’s hooves. Everything else, such as sanitation
and ventilation, was organised by a few quick miracles of Gid’s.
Eventually,
after what seemed to be a year, Gid ordered to waters to recede back down the
enormous cracks in the ground. And very soon Josa found herself back on dry
land. Gid handed her a magic ray which returned the travellers to their normal
size, and a bed in which she could rest after such an arduous workout. And Gid
was happy. He had been planning the flood for quite some time, and was glad
that it had worked out for the best, even though the ground was really, really
soaked and unable to maintain crops or plants or anything to sustain life
again. Gid fixed that with a miracle the next day, but everyone got really
muddy.
Gid
then resurrected some of the people who had died in the flood, and they started
to rebuild their cities, wondering what had happened in the meantime, and who
had soaked their possessions. And He watched them building cities like Babylon,
and Beijing and Moscow, and he was impressed because they seemed very well laid
out. Josa herself decided to build a city called London, and Gid blessed this
city by filling it with smog and British people. Gid listened to what everybody
was saying, and, realising that they all understood each other, He decided to
mix things up a bit. He made the Russians speak Russian, the Chinese speak
Chinese, and the Canadians speak both French and English to enhance the
confusion. And he was pleased because it meant that even if people wanted to
speak to each other they couldn’t, unless they learnt another language. So he
invented universities and audiotapes to learn a language in 21 days or less. This
created many new jobs for publishers and translators.
It
was during the time of Abaro that Gid attended his first Annual Deity
Conference. Many of the notable deities were there, Jehovah, Allah, Buddha,
Zeus, Ra and Jupiter along with their PR men, such as Jesus, Mohammed and the
Sphinx. Being a humble and short ruler, Gid sat down on the outskirts of the
room quietly while Ra and Jehovah argued ferociously about metaphysical
naturalism[39]. Gid was
humiliated at the extreme intelligence of this argument and the pounding of his
headache, so he proceeded to listen to the discussion. The Sphinx prowled
angrily round the room eyeing off Jehovah, as Ra ranted and raved about
‘tradition’. Suddenly a phone beeped twice. Gid had forgotten to turn his
mobile to silent! All the Supreme Beings turned and stared at him. He was
soooooo embarrassed; He averted his head, mumbled an apology and turned off the
phone. The Sphinx bit Him in the leg. From that day forward the Glorious Gid is
too self-conscious to go to any more Deity Conferences, and consequently Gid is
unaware of any heavenly decrees[40].
Nearly
300 years later, Gid awoke with a shocking hangover in an alley in St
Petersburg, after a hard night of binge drinking in the GreenPrettyFields[41].
Embracing this opportunity to bring The Word to the very people He was meant to
govern, He drank 2 pints of water and wandered the streets of the snowy city
teaching them about the Truth. He cured many people of their various ailments,
sometimes without even telling them, and demanded little in return - maybe a
small crust of bread and a sip of Vodka. When He had finally preached to as
many Russians as he could be bothered, He beat up an old man, stole a bottle of
Vodka from the store and drank Himself into a stupor. He woke up back in
GreenPrettyFields, having thoroughly enjoyed his excursion[42].
These
Psalms are to be sung every time you think of Gid, and every time Gid thinks of
you.
Psalm 1
Gid, Gid. Glorious Gid.
You failed in your relationships
You don’t accept tips
But we do, Gid.
Gid, Gid. To the Glory of Gid
You can’t drive a manual car
You refuse to learn Hebrew
We love you anyway, Gid.
Psalm
2
Gerwin loved you, no matter how
much you made him cry
You have fed more people than you
have laughed at
If you wanted people to have wings
you would have let them fly
Not you of course, Gid[43].
Psalm 3
Gid was sitting
Silent in His room
Rushing through His head
He looks at the broom
KING! (to be screamed)
Psalm
4
The eye of Gid
Is bigger than a kid’s
He has no children
Because He has protected sex.
Psalm
5
I love Gid
He loves me
We’re a happy cult.
Psalm
6
Gid created everything
He created the flowers and letters
And grammatical rules.
He created music and happiness
He created you and me.
Yeah baby, yeah, yeah baby.
Here we go, baby.
Feel the passion baby,
In the heat of the night,
Psalm
7
We choose to ignore the absurdity
of your existence
Between you and logic there is a
great distance
In order that we get presents on
Turtle Eve.
This
recipe is designed for you to have a completely glorious life, and to assist
you deny the shameful spleen. Gid expects you to only ever eat Cooked Chicken
with Sauce. Other recipes ensure eternal gloom[44];
they are bad for you and good for your spleen.
Cooked Chicken with Sauce
400 grams of chicken
Two cups of soy sauce[45]
Cornflakes
2 tablespoons of lemon juice
1.
Mix cornflakes, lemon juice and soy sauce together. Stir for two hours.
2.
Brown chicken in wok.
3.
Drink sauce and eat chicken.
The Parable of the Ice-Monkey[46]
Riohdan
was a farmer and a devout Gidian, he denied his spleen and prayed to Gid often,
but not so much that it got annoying. He had a wife and two sons, and all three
were named Charles. When Riohdan was ploughing his fields, he struck upon a
hard object, a box. In the box there was a message saying, “Go to Greenland,
and get a penguin, bring it back here. Gid wishes it so.” But Riohdan was by
nature lazy. He decided to get a monkey, which were plentiful in his area, and
teach him to act like a penguin by putting him in the freezer a lot. When
Riohdan presented the Ice-Monkey to Gid, Gid didn’t even notice that it wasn’t
a penguin. After playing with the Ice-Monkey a while, Gid placed it back in
Greenland, and the Ice-Monkey was forced to spend its entire life amongst the
ice and polar bears. But Riohdan didn’t get in ANY TROUBLE AT ALL.
Gid’s Decisions
Throughout the ages, Gid has been asked to rule on
many aspects of life. These decisions are recorded in the Hub of Command’s
archives, but Gid feels that His subjects should have some of the more
important ones provided in His Glorious Book.
Gid
Decision 24601
Gid supports globalisation
and free trade. He personally owns a factory in southern Cambodia that produces
tracksuit pants and assorted footwear.
Gid Decision 299023b
Is
Abortion moral? Not after 5 weeks.
Gid
Decision 395511
Gid would rather you didn’t
sacrifice TOO much for him, but a few things will be fine. Make sure, when are
choosing your sacrificial object, that you sacrifice SOMETHING HE WANTS, like a
CD, or a bottle of Kahlua, or a new doona. Don’t sacrifice a virgin, that’s
stupid. Gid doesn’t know what to do with a dead virgin. NOTE: If you are
looking for more guidelines on what to sacrifice, then a pamphlet Sacrificing to Gid[47]
is available from the Hub of Command.
Gid
Decision 480395
Homosexuality is fine, but
Gid is personally only attracted to females. Gid requests that He is never hit
on by a man, as flattering as it would be, He just doesn’t want to have to deal
with it.
Gid
Decision 600589a
Rock
and Roll music is not the tool of Satan. The tool of Satan is a pitchfork[48].
Gid Decision 764991
Can you see Gid? It depends
on whether he is hiding or not.
Gid
Decision 812284
Gid requests that all
rubbish bins are put out FACING the curb, because we have instituted a new
style of truck that can pick them up automatically[49].
Gid
Decision 912002
Celibacy?
No, idiots.
Gid
is a male, and while he acknowledges that many of the other Deities are male,
and that their masculinity can be read as a symptom of male oppression, he
can’t do anything about his gender. He apologies for being born with male
genitalia, but there isn’t much he can do about that. There is a fifty percent
chance that the True Supreme Being[50]
is male, there’s really nothing Gid can do about that. But Gid vows to fully
support any aspiring female deities, if they would wish for his help. He cites
the Goddess Aphrodite, who did very well for herself, as an example of His
Glorious support for the sexual revolution. Gid wants to help you!
Having
read this far through the epic that is the Book of Gid, Gid understands you may
have a few questions about your relationship with Him. Gid is a kind deity, but
not stupidly kind. He has not sacrificed any of his offspring for you, and he
wouldn’t; you are just a small person down on earth. Your sins are YOUR
problem. Gid isn’t going to kill his children just because you have a wet dream
about the school librarian.
Having
said that, Gid assures you that he drinks for you; with his loyal Gidians in
mind. Because he loves to drink, and because he thinks of you when he does, the
logical conclusion is that he loves you. But he loves ONLY Gidians. All the
other people who worship the other deities, the ‘official’ religions, you are
going to have to spend the rest of your existence in the PermanentGloomy. Gid
doesn’t care, and he doesn’t pretend to care. In fact, he would PREFER that you
were there. If there were no spleen worshipers, then the GreenPrettyFields
would be really full, and that wouldn’t be fun.
Let
Nehru, Aliwulf, Gerwin and Gid Decision 600589a occupy your daily
thoughts. Eat only Cooked Chicken with Sauce. Sing the Gidian Psalms. Cry out
the word of Gid. Deny the existence of your spleen. Learn Malagasy and convert
as many people as you can. And while you slave away at your menial and
eventually inconsequential jobs, feel a sense of security in the fact that Gid
is up there, drinking White Russians for you and laughing at the idiots in the
PermanentGloomy. Gid only asks that you work your entire life for him, and
maybe, just maybe, when you reach the utopia that is the GreenPrettyFields and
meet Gid face to face, YOU will get to ride on the Fantastic Unicorn.
Many
religious scholars have been asking the same question for centuries of the Book
of Gid. Where did the book come from? How did it manage to be SO prophetic and
compelling in its depiction of the human condition? While the most Orthodox
Gidians would often prefer to discard such questions as irrelevant due to the
inerrant and glorious nature of The Book, to show the critical scholars of the
amazing nature of this document of Gid I have prepared this short essay.
The
traditional Gidian scholars attribute the Book of Gid to the first GidDoctor;
Mary Al Deut. Al Deut was a hostage negotiator for the Vatican in the early
1300s, under the hairless Pope Teresus IX. Once, on a quiet evening after work,
she was happily strolling amongst the oak trees in the Vatican garden when the
insecure voice of Gid called down upon her from the sanctity of a young birch
wood. Gid boomed, “Mary, Mary, Mary Al Duet, I call you. I call you, Mary Al
Duet, to bring my teachings to the people of the earth.” Mary was trembling and
looking down towards the ground as Gid spoke. He was most flattered, but
continued regardless. “Mary, I have many thousands of words to dictate to you,
it will take all night. Stop being scared and lets get on with it.” Gid and
Mary worked for many hours that evening. Once Gid had left Mary after He had
transcribed The Book, Mary was amazed at its revelations, and she decided to
make copies. She made these copies quite quickly, because before Gid left her,
He had given her a photocopier. Mary Al Duet left the Vatican later that month
to follow her new True faith, and the Catholic Church was once again left
without an experienced hostage negotiator.
Modern
scholarship contests this version of events. Due to DNA testing at the
Institute of Post-Modern Sciences[51],
and presented at the Gidian Believers Conference in Tokyo this year, it is now
believed that Mary Al Duet was not a human being, but a rare species of cane
toad. This has many implications, the first of all being the fact that Gid
decided to release His Glorious Book to a small green animal, instead of the
human race. Does that mean that Gid’s preferred beings are frogs rather than
people? The Gidian theologian Martin Leu says unequivocally no, Gid was drunk
that evening and only released the Book of Gid to the frogs as a joke[52].
He probably intended to release it to humans as well, but forgot.
Of
course, the findings of the Institute have been contested by the traditional
Gidian Scholars, arguing the case that the scientist who did the original tests
on the (presumed) ashes of Al Duet was drinking cane toad juice at the time and
got confused. This controversial finding is intriguing, but with the power of
Gid, or a fifth of vodka inside you, the decision is yours.
-
GidDoctor
Charles Garfield, 2001
The
Church of Gid over the last few centuries has become a significant political
and economic force[53],
and due to the increasing amount of tasks and duties that the GidDoctors are
required to perform for the community, various ranks of GidDoctors have
developed[54]. Included
here is a brief rundown of the tasks which each performs daily. (All clergy in
the Church of Gid prefix their name with GidDoctor regardless of rank, with the
exception of the Great Gidian Leader, who prefixes his name with ‘Four Buckets
to Dance On’)
A GidDoctor that is waiting to be ordained. The
GidDoctor in Training (GDT) studies the Book of Gid at the expense of their own
well being and safety. The GDTs are expected to starve themselves for twelve
years, only drinking liquefied pine tree. The GDTs however are allowed to sleep
in each morning, as long as they make their bed in the afternoon.
After being ordained by Gid Himself, the basic
GidDoctor is required to bring the message of Gid to his community. To do so he
must build or bribe a congregation of no less than thirty people into believing
in The Word.
In charge of 3 basic GidDoctors each, and split into
two types: Master GidDocter of the Fallen SeaHorn and Master GidDoctor of the
Singing Chess.
The latter is only permitted to use the right side
of his brain, and the former is only permitted to use the left side of the
latter’s brain.
In charge of all the GidDoctors in a region is the
Telepincher. He does the region’s accounting and is in regular contact with his
superiors in the Hub of Command. The Telepincher is required to conduct the
various illegal indoctrinations and bootlegging for his subordinates. The
Telepincher is also authorised to speak on behalf of Gid, unless his name is
Harry, and then he has to pay half the petrol.
Grand Viziers are the heart, soul and larynx of the
Church of Gid. YOU, the humble Gidian can view the Grand Viziers as the saints
of The One True Church. There are traditionally 35 Viziers, from all walks of
life. A Grand Vizier can occupy many important positions, including:
Great
Sweeper of the Antarctic
Keeper
to the Missing Hole Punch
Dictionary
Master
Pretty
Pathologist
Bodyguard
of the Glorious Fish Tank
Rememberer
of Mary the Human Frog
Grand Viziers get a free ride on the Fantastic Unicorn when they arrive
in the GreenPrettyFields, and a Gid poster autographed by the Splendid Handler
of the Fantastic Unicorn.
The Great Gidian Leader
If the Grand Viziers are the heart, soul and larynx of the Church of
Gid, the Great Gidian Leader is the skin that wraps them altogether in a
coherent bundle. The Great Gidian Leader will soon reside in the Hub of Command
located on the Island of Mayotte, once the smelly French have finally been
appeased. The Great Gidian Leader is chosen by a vote of all the Grand Viziers[55].
The Leader is required to have a weekly conference with Gid Himself in which
they discuss various matters such as the weather, the tennis and the latest
fashions. Gid is often drunk in these meetings, because they occur right after
his traditional Thursday dinner.
How does the GidDoctor in Training get
ordained so that he may enter the Glorious Church? First letter of application
and a completed GidDoctor? You Can Be One… Today! Form must be sent to
the Great Gidian Leader. (This form can be obtained from all good Gidian
bookstores). The Great Gidian Leader will check that the Form is completed, and
then he will pass your letter onto the Glorious Gid, who might read it, make
some comments, and send it back to you, with a sticker that says “I am ordained
by Gid (Glorious Gid) and forever may he rule over me, my friends, and the
GreenPrettyFields.” After you have worn this on your forehead for at least a
week, then you are a GidDoctor.
Note that there are fewer Gidian Days in the
later half of the year. Gid lost enthusiasm for assigning holidays after July.
January 16 The Feast of the Turtle. On the
anniversary of when the Giant Turtle was created a banquet is served consisting
entirely of peanuts and peanut related foods. Presents are to be exchanged, but
they don’t have to be too extravagant.
March 16-21 Starving. All Gidians are to ritually
starve themselves, as respect to the great GidDoctor (Grand Vizier) Piout IV.
During one of the first PermanentGloomy discovery trips, he ran out of food and
the heathens there refused to give him any.
March 22 Gluttony. The enormous feast
that follows the Starving, when everybody congratulates themselves on having
done so well and pay respect to the fallen.
July 1 Annual Spleen Rampage.
A holiday in which all good Gidians are to go on a rampage destroying any
evidence of spleen worship and worshippers in their community. Gidians are
ensured legal immunity, because the Church of Gid is a registered religion, and
to arrest any of us would be to break the freedom of religion, no matter how
many people we kill.
October 24 Drink for Gid Day. Everybody is
to drink for the Glory of Gid, and Gid will drink for the Glory of His Gidians.
[1] Another common Gidian cry is ‘dig-dig-dig-dig’, which is of course Gid backwards.
[2] The Age Good Food Guide, 1997, Melbourne
[3] Various articles are available to confirm this, Gid personally recommends the Detroit Times, as it had a very attractive colour supplement the day after.
[4] The eminent pseudo-historian Pilcher, while working in the ruins of downtown Athens, has uncovered a chunk of metal which remarkably resembles Nehru’s fabled nail clippers, or the hubcap of a 1948 Buick. This metal, which now resides in the backyard of a respectable brick-layer, is said to cry on the second day of May each year, although nobody has ever seen it do so.
[5] Auerbach, Gibbon. “Gid and Sartre: The Post-constructive Halcyon” in Essays in Jacaranda, 1995, Mogadishu
[6] Gid is quoted in Rolling Stone as having said “I personally would prefer my people to be clean-shaven, with as little facial hair as possible, but a small side-board can be sometimes quite aesthetically pleasing” – RS 186, 1997, “Gid is Back”
[7] Modern scholarship has contested some of the wording of the List of Three. Vologonov, in the Rise and Fall of the Soviet Empire, notes some of the irregularities between various versions of the Book of Gid, while some proclaim a belief in the ‘one true Gid’, others proclaim a belief in the ‘only true Gid.’ A bolt of lightening from the GreenPrettyFields recently proved the authenticity of the former version, included in this edition.
[8] The GidDoctor Newell was sent this scorecard by fax in 1994, but unfortunately after two hours on the phone with Telecom, was unable to trace the fax machine it came from. He was later killed after swallowing a chicken beak, proving that Gid has a purpose for even the most devoted of his fans.
[9] This night was described by Gid’s childhood friend, Louis the Totem Pole, as “very strenuous for Gid. He struggled to stay awake the entire time, and it is doubtful that he has ever drank so much since.”
[10] Alison Jolly. “Madagascar's Lemurs On the Edge of Survival”, National Geographic August 1988
[11] This may or may not be true.
[12] Some of the more alert critics of the One True Religion may argue that the angels cannot smoke in these restaurants due to new laws, the standard Gidian response to these sort of critics is to kill them
[13] Hawks, in his book Things you need to know about the Sacred Form (1843, Tel Aviv) postulates that one of the questions is ‘Do you enjoy singing?’ but he is unsure of what the best answer is. The question ‘Do you have a spleen?’ is sure to come up, and it is best to deny its existence (see Morality Under Gid)
[14] If you see this group and you have complete faith in Gid, call out the Word of Gid and ask them for a drink. If they spit in your face, they are either not the aforementioned dead people, or have already had a lot to drink and would rather not share.
[15] John Taylor of Alabama got in this way, but when Gid found out he wasn’t allowed to drink anymore of the whiskey from the top cupboard. Allan Folsom of Turkey also got in using a similar method, but he bragged about it, and was sent down into the PermanentGloomy for a week to teach him a lesson.
[16] If you ask mess up any of the protocol, then your place in the PermanentGloomy is ensured. But don’t ignore Him, because that is just as bad. He hates being snubbed.
[17] Gid recommends soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, a comb, and shaving equipment (if appropriate)
[18] Instructions on how to become a Gidian monk were revealed to the great GidDoctor Ehelopop when on the same day his wife left him, he discovered his son in bed with another man, he was fired from his job, and his house burnt down. Gid visited Ehelopop in the form of a talking hash brown, and detailed the life which He wished Ehelopop to lead. A video is available to confirm that this actually occurred, but the video is only available once you arrive at the GreenPrettyFields.
[19] Amusingness is to decided by a monthly vote. If a monk is declared unamusing three months in a row, then he is to be kicked out of the order and killed quietly.
[20] That should read ‘red apples,’ according to Auerbach.
[21] Gid made the seed. He was there too.
[22] This Hesitation lasted about two weeks, and Gid managed to teach the Turtle to sit. The turtle liked to eat berries, which was convenient because that was all Gid had.
[23] Sometimes Dora.
[24] Gid had Gnocchi with a Neapolitan sauce, and Doris had a Caesar salad. The wine was a very smooth white, and they shared a small garlic bread.
[25] Gid, in a recent homage to Charles Darwin, has admitted that none of this actually happened.
[26] He did not make another Turtle, as the first one seemed fairly useless.
[27] Praying was a very complex matter for an ancient Gidian. Prayer iwas said backwards, and upside down, because while Gid is all around, he is most often lying down.
[28] This was before the Glorious Gidian Recipe had been revealed to His people.
[29] Gerwin’s childhood buddy, Michael, recounted in the Time Magazine article ‘I Remember Often’, that Gerwin was very happy during this rejoicing. He says “Gerwin seemed to rejoice with such viciousness that I was worried for the safety of my limbs, but when I saw the manic smile on his face, I was reassured that he was not possessed by his spleen.”
[30] It was still Rolf - he had been resurrected the month before.
[31] Gid still feeds him to this day.
[32] The journey was somewhat easier when he found a helicopter.
[33] Gid has since apologised to the dead, and they received a year’s subscription to Gid Monthly, and an autographed Book of Gid as compensation
[34] Yes, it was underwater.
[35] A most challenging task underwater.
[36] These assistants were paid at above minimum wage. The testimony of Dan details the high working conditions that the assistants enjoyed. Read The Testimony of Dan by Dan (Egypt, 704)
[37] Manning, in his essay “Ethics and the word some” (1998) postulates that some refers here to about six or seven. Or possibly thirty or forty.
[38] Or fishing wire. Most translators believe the ‘fishing wire’ theory, but we prefer the idea that she used string.
[39] Gid is not that humble, he was just late.
[40] Gid is one of the few deities who do not attend these assemblies, and definitely the only one who does not attend because he is intimidated. Satan doesn’t go, but that’s because he is Jehovah’s little lap dog, and neither does Odin, because he is just happy up in Valhalla, and never really told his Scandinavians of any of the Heavenly Decrees, so there is really no point, eh?
[41] Gid’s favourite drink, incidentally, is Scotch and Coke, or alternatively White Russians, when he can afford them.
[42] Although the St Petersburg press does not confirm on this event, that is understandable, as there were no newspapers around in St. Petersburg at that time.
[43] Gid is skinny. Ehelopop saw him once.
[44] Gid is skinny primarily because this is all he eats.
[45] Low fat
[46] The famous Parable of the Ice-Monkey is the oldest part of the book of Gid. Nobody is sure how much, but it seems fairly old.
[47] The associated pamphlet Sacrificing to Gid for Purely Selfish Reasons is the longest-running piece of religious propaganda in the 20th century! The publishers, Steptoe & Father would like to thank all who have supported it.
[48] Gid Case #600589 to come before the Temple of Decisions concerned an evangelist Gid preacher who preached that Rock music was the tool of the Satan. Gid, after lengthy conversation with Satan, decided that his tool was the pitchfork. Satan has been quoted as supporting this decision ‘Gid and I have had some very satisfying talks, in which we have cleared up a number of theological differences between our two cults.’ Satan went on to say that he hoped the proposed Gid-Satan business connections could go ahead. Gid declined to comment on the talk, past Gid Decision 600589a.
[49] These trucks have been very efficient. Gid thanks you for your help.
[50] Gid is the True Supreme Being who is referred to here.
[51] The Institute of Post-Modern Sciences is also notable for the discovery of the colour red-blue, and their advances into the study of politics and drunken dancing
[52] But Leu does not believe this diminishes the validity of The Book, Gid’s word is Gid’s word, drunk or not, especially because he tends to be most often inebriated. See Martin Leu. Gid’s Revelation: Prophetic or Inebriated?, Malaysia, 1996
[53] And controversial. As the only religion to recognise the fundamentalist Taliban regime and its frequent arms sales to under funded mental asylums have garnered much criticisms in the Annual Henry James Review.
[54] Completely without Gid’s permission.
[55] Although the Viziers are allowed to vote as many times as they want, and the candidates bribe them a lot. These briberies are usually the main source of income for the Viziers.