Question I have this freaky, unnatural fear of Muppets. Wherever I go, I see them, staring at me with their dead, ping-pong ball eyes. I can't escape them anymore!!!
AnswerR.G. Ben:  Dude, Al, did you hear that Napster might get shut down for good?
R.G. Albert:  I know, that sucks. Now I'll never be able to finish my Flock of Seagulls rarity CD I was planning on burning. Sucks.
R.G. the Lizard:  What the hell is wrong with you guys? You're not even TRYING to pay attention to the question!!
R.G. Albert:  Well, yeah, I mean this is OBVIOUSLY some punk kid just trying to make us look stupid.
R.G. Ben:  Indeed. Fans, the advice column is a serious forum. Just remember that time we saved that teenage girl with the eating disorder? Y'know, the chick from Growing Pains?
R.G. Albert:  You tell, 'em, Ben. And remember when we saved Rhea Perlman's kid from cutting herself out of anger? Self-mutilation is NOT cool, guys. I think I heard Jessica Simpson talk about that on MTV once.
R.G. the Lizard:  What are you talking about? You didn't solve any of those problems! Those were all made-for-TV movies! And Jessica Simpson is both highly talanted AND respectable for keeping herself chaste before marriage.
R.G. Ben:  I dunno, I still think that BSB are the cutest. Despite the little rat-face one..
R.G. Albert:  Right. And anyway, who the hell gets scared of Muppets? They're cute, adorable AND educational! With the exception of some Sesame Strett Muppets, like that two-headed monster thing. That's just sick and wrong.
R.G. Ben:  Hey, maybe R.G.'s scared of Muppets, too!
R.G. Albert:  Why are there so many...song...about rainbows...
R.G. Ben:  Hey, be careful, I think you're giving Lizzy a seizure or something.
R.G. the Lizard:  No, I'm fine! It's just that, y'know...sometimes people can have an unnatural fear or something because of an experience from their childhood, or y'know...
R.G. Albert:  Hey, Ben, doesn't this handwriting look familiar?
R.G. Ben:  Hmmm...and it smells kinda familiar too!
R.G. Albert:  Hey, you wrote this R.G.! HAHAHAHA!!! You fuckin' psychpath! Oh, look at me! Wokka Wokka! Are you wetting your pants now?
R.G. the Lizard:  Shut-up! Shut-up! It's not funny! Look, I just figured that since you guys hadn't gotten any mail in a while, I'd uh...help you out.
R.G. Ben:  Right. So Muppets don't scare you, in actuality?
R.G. Albert:  So if I started saying "Near...far...Near...Far" in a Grover voice, you wouldn't be affected?
R.G. Ben:  "Near...far...wherever you are, I believe that the heart will...something...
R.G. the Lizard:  Uh...Celine Dion's husband's really old.
R.G. Albert:  Get some new material, R.G. That's so old, that even say, FOZZIE THE BEAR wouldn't touch it!
R.G. Ben:  Speaking of being touched by Muppets, have you guys ever been to www.muppetsex.com? The manipulated images are just so so, but some of the fan fiction is GREAT! I mean, the Gonzo/Animal sections alone are worth the $5.95 a month membership.
R.G. the Lizard:  I uh...think I'm going to be sick...
R.G. Ben:  And let's just say all of your deep, dark Miss Piggy/Kermit the Frog fantasies are realized.
R.G. Albert:  ALL of them? Even the three-way with Snuffleupagus?
R.G. Ben:  Ugh. Fuckin' pervert.
R.G. the Lizard:  Anyway, it's not like I'm the only one with an odd phobia here! Hey Albert - BAND-AIDS!
R.G. Albert:  Nice try my amphibian friend, but that fear was conquered after many months of therapy. So, ha.
R.G. Ben:  Hey, are lizards amphibians are reptiles? I forget. 
R.G. the Lizard:  Aren't you an evolutionary biology major? Shouldn't you know these things??
R.G. Ben:  Uh, yeah...that's right. Amphibian you are.
R.G. the Lizard:  But...aw, screw it. Let's all get drunk, read comics, and watch a KEVIN SMITH movie!
R.G. Albert:  Stop trying to be a stereotypical young male on the internet, Lizzy. Let's get to the root of your fear.
R.G. Ben:  Exactly. So what movie bothers you the most? Muppets Take Manhattan, The Great Muppet Caper, Muppet Chritsmas Carol...
R.G. the Lizard:  I found Muppet Christmas Carol to have one of the best performances by Michael Caine ever, perhaps only topped by the recent "Cider House Rules."
R.G. Albert:  Zah?
R.G. Ben:  Hey Al, look at Lizzy convulse whenever I say "Rizzo the Rat"! 
R.G. Albert:  Whoa, that IS pretty neat!
R.G. the Lizard:  Stop...doing...that...
R.G. Ben:  Whatever. Hey dude, let's leave him here and get drunk and read comics! Seen the last issue of PREACHER yet?
R.G. Albert:  Nope, but hey, I rented Chasing Amy this weekend! ROCK!