Question Hey guys. My pet cat died recently, and I don't know how to deal with it. It was my first pet, I got it when I was like eight. However, the smell of a rotting feline cadaver is beginning to become a little over-powering. What should I do?
AnswerR.G. Ben:  Easy one!
R.G. Albert:  Yep, I can't believe you even wrote this in. Stupid girl. Hey, that's a Garbage song... Stupid Girl...la la la...something something wasted...la la la...
R.G. the Lizard:  First, Al, it's "all you had you wasted." Plus, this person has a serious problem! This is an animal we're talking about! And how do you know she's a girl anyway?
R.G. Albert:  Dude, it's obvious. Only a girl would care about a dead cats. A guy would like, work on his car right after it died.
R.G. Ben:  Anyway, the question. I think there's only one real course of action she should take. Excavate some (your favorite, I'd suppose) body part of your cat, and keep that. Then you can bury the rest. See, it's win-win!!!
R.G. Albert:  Exactly. She should probably keep the head. And mount it up on her wall or something. Then she could talk to it when she got real lonely, but she wouldn't have to worry about all the maggots tearing at the dead flesh...cause they couldn't reach it, see????
R.G. the Lizard:  That's a complete disrespect of a dead pet!!!
R.G. Ben:  Hey, R.G., take a "chill pill!" This girl obviously loved her pet. And if you love something, and it dies, you have to rob the grave and dismember the part you loved the best. I think Walt Whitman said that.
R.G. Albert:  It was actually Oscar Wilde, dude. But you're right. Remember when your grandfather died?? Just think, if you never read Oscar Wilde, you wouldn't have that cool-as-all-hell gallbladder in a jar you got.
R.G. Ben:  What a chick magnet that was!!!!
R.G. Albert:  Hell yes. Anyway, this little girl needs to make sure her dog's decpatiated corpse gets a proper burial. And she might want to look into getting the brain and stuff removed before she displays the head, that stuff might leak out or something. That would suck!!!
R.G. Ben:  Yeah, we all know the LAST time we were dealing with leaking dog brains, right Lizzy??
R.G. the Lizard:  What the hell are you talking about??? This girl had a cat, for one thing...
R.G. Albert:  Oh, so she's a *girl* now...sexist bastard.
R.G. Ben:  Contemporize, dude!
R.G. Albert:  You know, you can get cancer from dead dog odors!! I read it in a magazine once. Maxim or something. It had Sabrina or someone on the cover.
R.G. the Lizard:  Cancer from...never mind...and y'know, those Sabrina pictures were big-time airbrushed.
R.G. Ben:  So now you're advocating the spread of cancer and HIV, the virus that causes cancer? AND you're disrespecting that Sarah Michelle Gellar chick???
R.G. Albert:  Seriously. SMG is hot! And cancer is bad.
R.G. Ben:  So what are you going to tell us next, that it's good for little girls to get cancer from their dead dogs? And man, isn't SMG Buffy? I'm pretty sure.
R.G. the Lizard:  Excuse me??? What the fuck??? You *can't* get cancer from dead dogs!!! But it was a cat that this girl...boy...person had...and c'mon, anyone knows that SMG is Buffy. Duh.
R.G. Albert:  Well, it's easy to get confused. I mean, there's Melissa Joan Hart, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jennifer Love Hewitt..they all have three names, y'know.
R.G. Ben:  And um, Mark-Paul Gosselar...
R.G. the Lizard:  Ben, Hyperion Bay got cancelled months ago!!! He'll always be "Zach Morris" in my eyes, and probably everyone else's too. Let's get with the program here.
R.G. Ben:  Remember the episode of Saved By The Bell when Jesse smoked all that crack or whatever?
R.G. Albert:  It was caffiene pills, but yeah.
R.G. Ben:  Well, okay. But remember that REAL LIFE problem that Jesse was dealing with? And all that sound ADVICE that Zach was giving? Well, isn't that EXACTLY what R.G. is preventing us from doing here????
R.G. the Lizard:  Um, I'll just try and ignore that...you see, R.G. reader, please, as soon as possible, find an appropriate burial site for your...
R.G. Albert:  That's really morbid, dude. I think you're scaring little Sarah or whoever. Hey remember that scene from Showgirls with Jesse? In the pool?
R.G. Ben:  Oh yeah, with the dude from that Laura Palmer show. With the midget.
R.G. the Lizard:  Kyle McLauchlin.
R.G. Ben:  Excuse me???
R.G. the Lizard:  From Twin Peaks...what you were just...aw, screw it.
R.G. Albert:  I wonder what this dog's name was.
R.G. Ben:  Let's call it "Jorge."
R.G. the Lizard:  That's immaterial. You can sit here and encourage the desecration of a beloved pet while...
R.G. Albert:  Hey R.G., are you kinda like those Budwieser lizards? They're funny.
R.G. Ben:  I bet when they die, their owners will do a fitting tribute, like putting them into little beer-can coffins.
R.G. Albert:  Yeah. Anyway, please nameless little girl, do NOT get cancer from your dead dog fumes! That was the #3 killer in Budapest for a while.
R.G. the Lizard:  Cancer???? Well, I suppose I should expect this from a guy who interpts attempted vehicular homocide as flirting...
R.G. Ben:  Dude, no one likes a jealous jimmy.
R.G. Albert:  Heh...you said "jimmy"...whoa, R.G. can really pelt down malt liqour when he's angry...um...Hey Ben, do you think that Charles Schultz got cancer from the dead body of Snoopy?