NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Ever since the remarked popularity, joy, warm reception and general acceptance of Marvel's four-part "FAST LANE" storyling, surrently clogging up the middle of comic books everywhere, Marvel has announced plans to spread even more wholesome morality to impressionable youths worldwide. Following the vein of Spider-Man taking on marijuana in "Fast Lane," current plans are as follows -

 "It Was All Just A Freakout!," Starring the New Warriors - Nova, Speedball and company wake up from a particularly wild night of super-hero partying to discover their costume redesigns to be merely the by-product of a bad LSD trip. Written, penciled, and inked by Bill Sieneka...Sin...um..sin-KEV-ich...

"Does This Look Infected?," Starring Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman. Reed and Sue pursue the harmful effects cosmic ray bombardment has on a healthy married lifestyle.

 "Don't Call Me Crater Face!," Starring Deadpool - Wade Wilson (or whoever he is, or whoever Wade Wilson is. Man, that's a stupid idea. Anyway) teaches teens how to live through skin problems. Bob Harras went on record as saying, "We think this will be ESPECIALLY beneficial for our average fanbase."

 "Viagra Isn't Just A Punchline Anymore," Starring the Incredible Hulk - Dr. Bruce Banner talks frankly about his "performance problems" after his exposure to gamma radiation. Paul Jenkins has denied comment, merely muttering "damn, that was my first story arc!" [1]

 "Don't Be Like Me, Kids!" Starring Daredevil - Matt Murdock preaches to kids the importance of punctuality and timeliness.

 "That Stuff'll Shrink Your Gonads!" staring Cable - Penciled by Rob Liefeld, this is aimed at high school athletes to preach the dangers of steroids.

 "Northstar Can Be Our Friend, Too" starring um, well...Northstar - Northstar, plus that one dude from the Pantheon in HULK helps explain to kids that actual gay people are nothing like what you see on WILL AND GRACE, although they sure do love shopping!!!

 The planned Thor PSA on dealing with people with funny accents has been scrapped, reportedly on a lack of "preachy crap."

 Bob Harrass was quoted as saying, "Remember kids, don't smoke pot, and if you do feel the need to do so, make SURE you don't do it while interning at a major newspaper!"

 Comic book fan Bryan Hurley wrote, "I'm really glad that Marvel is hear to teach me my morals, and what better place to learn what's right or wrong then in the middle of a comic book? In the past, I've often read DC comics saying, 'What's missing? Why am I suddenly encouraged to worship Satan and drink chicken's blood?' Thanks, Marvel!"

 DEADPOOL and BLACK PANTHER writer Christopher Priest added only, "What? It's *right* in the middle of the comic? And ALL of them??? Where do I sign up??? Um..GAHHH!"

 Marvel publisher Stan Lee said, "Hi Heroes! I myself tried the wacky weed back in 1963, and I created some of the crappiest heroes known to man! Captain O.D. McCrack and his arch-nemesis Professor Ellis D. Trails??? What was I thinking?!? Excelsior!"

 More devleopments as they follow, but first Shang-Chi is going to lecture me about racial stereotypes.

 - Albert 

[1] Yes, I made a Viagra joke. My soul will pay for this, I suspect.