First off, the paper quality in the comics itself is to go down.  As many noticed on recent
comics like THUNDERBOLTS #22, paper quality has been steadily decreasing.  Now,
they will be printed solely on tracing paper.  Marvel enthusiast Jim Smith was quoted as
saying, "This sucks.  I sneezed and the comic fell into a hundred pieces.  But they are a lot
easier to file this way."  Said Marvel Editor-in-Chief Bob Harras, "At least the tracing
paper is something new.  And, it helps bring fans into the book!  It's pro-active!"

Also, several more layoffs were announced.  In fact, the whole Editorial staff was let go,
except for Stan Lee, becuase he hasn't been paid in sixteen years anyway, and hasn't
noticed.  Spider-Man group Editor Ralph Macchio said, "I kissed Harras's ass for
this?!?!?!?"  Bob Harras said, "Aw hell, Jim Shooter was better than me...we need the
New Universe back!"

Several more cancellations were announced, including DEADPOOL, THUNDERBOLTS,
CAPTAIN AMERICA, IRON MAN, HULK, AVENGERS, and the whole Marvel
Kinghts line.  It will be replaced by "CAPTAIN AMERICA AND HIS CALVACADE OF
CRAZINESS, FEATURING THE INVINCIBLE IRON MAN AND THE INCREDIBLE
HULK!"

It will be written, penciled, and inked by John Byrne.  As Marvel can no longer afford
ComicCraft's services, it will be lettered by . . . Bob Harras.  By hand.  It will be 16 pages,
and carry a rather hefty $29.95 an issue price tag.  Said Byrne, "My first goal is to undo all
that THUNDERBOLTS crap.  And who the hell is DEADPOOL and why can't these
Internet freaks shut the hell up about him?"

Of course, the popular X-MEN line of titles will still be around, but will now be written
only be Terry Kavanaugh and Ben Raab.  It will not be penciled, as they can no longer
afford that, either.  However, it will feature several stick figure drawings involving
Wolverine and friends. It will be colored with various human fluids.

Marvel "President," Stan Lee, had this to say on the matter:  "Excelsior!"  He then went
off, reportedly to kill John Byrne. 

As you can see, despite the econimic problems, Marvel still is able to trek forward into the
New Millenium, despite the fact that Spider-Man has moved back in with his Aunt May
and Bruce Banner is currently having romantic "tension" with Betty Ross, per Byrne's
master polan as sole writer of the Marvel Heroes line.

Former writer of THUNDERBOLTS, IRON MAN, and AVENGERS, Kurt Busiek: "Let
them all go to hell.  In ASTRO CITY, you can thrill to the adventures of
TIN-PLATED-MAN and the THUNDERWATCHER SQUAD, a team of heroes with a
"mysterious" purpose!"

As expected, Jack Kirby is reported as "rolling around in his grave until he throws up."

--Albert
The CBI-N FAKE NEWSARAMA is posted irregularly to Usenet, and any of this
can be used in any manner, becuase I don't give a damn.