"Out"
Note: Title does not refer to any character revealing his/her homosexuality - should not affect resale price

Reviewer:  Spec U. Lator

"No title because it's a fucking magazine now!  You believe that shit!?"

Reviewer:  Hatey McHate

I just got home from the piece of shit comic book store that I reluctantly shop at and was all reading to sit down with a huge mug of beer and read my new comics.  Well, what do you know!!  One of my comics was actually a fucking MAGAZINE!  If I wanted a magazine I would've gone to the supermarket, one of the ones that sell alcohol. 

You know what's in here?  Articles!  One of them is about Starbucks!  If I wanted to read an article about Starbucks, I would dunk my head in the toilet after I've vomited from my night of heavy drinking!  That's because reading an article about Starbucks is about as great as swimming in my own vomit, but without the depressing greatness of the drinking that should preceed it. 

Don't worry, though.  The morons also decided to include an article about the police!  I want to read this garbage?  There are reviews of OTHER COMICS.  Just fucking tease me, you assholes!  The cover mentions "bitching," but I thought that meant bitching about stupid shit like the British.  About how those fucks should give us the rest of our country back!  But instead I get "Letters."  That's letters from "fans."  Here's a quote from one of them - "Take it easy."  That fuck should "take it" in the ass, if you ask me.

You know what they should've had an article about?  "Stabbing Yourself in the Face" because that would be a vacation compared to reading this shite.  If you're a jackass moron, go buy this magazine.  Otherwise, kill yourself because I'm sure this is just the beginning of a trend.

There were some comics in the back of the magazine, but they sucked.

Rating:  Horrible

"The Devil You Say: Part One"

Reviewer:  Over Lee Enthusiastic

Wow, those GENIUSES at Vertigo have done it again. After Neil Gaiman's seminal SANDMAN ended a few years ago, the comic populace collectively held their breath, anticipating it's worthy successor. Sure, PREACHER came and went, and it was amazingly breathtaking. TRANSMETROPOLITAN and 100 BULLETS are all incredibly stunning in their own right (even though, to be prefectly honest, sometimes they go over my head). But when DC/Vertigo unleashed CODENAME KNOCKOUT #1 on the world, a nation looked up at Axel Alonso's smiling face, and said "thank you."

Right from the opening page of the story, you know that you are in for a super-sexy, super-spy thrill ride like no other. Rodi chooses the time-honored exposition tradition of the phone call - between (sexy) main character Angela, and her tantalizingly hidden (but presumably sexy) mother. The phone conversation calls to mind the work of masters such as Frank Miller, in his masterpeice, Robocop 2. As I turn to page 2, I shiver with anticipation as I notice a NINJA invading Angela's beautiful house/apartment/loft/timeshare (to be honest, it really isn't clear). Immediately I recall the masterful work done by Tom DeFalco in his definitive AMAZING SPIDER-MAN run, where Green Ninjas played an all-too-vital role in resurrecting the thought-to-be-decesaed Dr. Otto Octavius (known to you and me simply as "Dr. Octopus", or perhaps even, dare I say it, "Doc Ock.") Thankfully, Angela is more than capable with the ninjas, and - wait a second - hold the phone, Angela is NAKED! That's right folks, you're getting your $2.50 worth with this comic right here. While comic book such as LADY DEATH and WITCHBLADE serve merely as teasingly teasing teases, this one puts-out and doesn't complain when you don't call it back. My pulse is literally quickening! But then it's all dashed as I turn the page, and I see someone in the shower, but it's a man. :( I was hoping for more sexy females (I mean, this was reminiscent of Adam Hughes at his best, or dare I even say it, the master of the "good girl" craft, yes that's right, Mr. James "Jim" Balent!) Hold on a second, there's something with this naked guy, and I think I know what it is. Oh wait - he's a homosexual! Generous applause is well-deserved by Mr. Rodi for this senstive and, let's face it, realistic portrayal of a member of the queer community. Not since "Will And Grace" have I seen the plight of the gay men depicted with this kind of verisimilitude. "Well, don't just stand there, handsome - ditch the yashmak and join the party!" I hope Alan Moore rots in a heroin-induced death, because this makes WATCHMEN look like NFL SUPERPRO. In fact, it makes WATCHMEN look like an NFL SUPERPRO annual, written by an assistant editor and penciled by someone who sucks. 

The resulting fight is lovingly depicted by Small and Farmer, as I notice even more that Angela is naked! I really need to express how perfect of a touch this was. I especially loved that bit about Angela getting a call from a telemarketer while conversing with her mother - I'm pretty sure that if I was allowed to have a phone, I would just HATE those pesky telemarketers as well! I was a bit confused at some points in the issue, such as the "sub-plot" that didn't involve any female nudity. Luckily, I recently discovered while reading Joe Casey's powerfully moving WILDCATS run, that such annoyances are easily ignored. The shocking revelation, that Angela's mother is actually a BLACK PERSON left me cold. If she's black, why is Angela such a hot blonde (and I mean hot)? Well, a writer such as Rodi would not leave such a glaring continuity error, and I'm sure it was the dastardly machinations of some sort of super-villain. The shocking revelation at the end though, I didn't get that. I'm sure he's just leading up to something even better - but I mean, a black woman with a white husband, that's just crazy. Only in comic books! Good thing Rodi has such an excellent imagination (I mean, a gay guy that says things like "I haven't gotten laid in five weeks!"? Where is this brilliance coming from? I wanna know!)

Rating: PERFECT! Even more perfect than Daredevil #16. When this comic book came out on that warm June morning, God himself beamed with pride, and whispered in Mrs. Rodi, Small, and Farmer's ears, "This is what I've had planned for creation for eons."

"Exit Wounds"

Reviewed By: Tad Hopeful
 

It's comic books like this that make me realize that my life is just an infinitesimal blip on the radar of reality.  Everything about this issue, from start to finish, chilled me deep within my soul and made it blatantly obvious (even more obvious than it was already) that I could never achieve anything close the dizzying artistic zenith that was this comic book.  

Milligan's story is lovingly rendered with excruciating detail by Allred's pencils.  They complement each other as well as my mother's burning hatred and disappointment and my father's seemingly never-ending rage compliment each other.  The story revolves around a team of mutant super-heroes that, through media manipulations, actually become beloved
celebrities.  Speaking of celebrities, that reminds of how I had a crush on Lark Voorhies until my older brother told me it wasn't right for someone like me to be attracted to black women, and locked me in a closet
for a week.  I think that kind of frustration I felt then is the same kind of frustration felt by U-Go Girl, as her teleportation powers make her incredibly
tired.  Sometimes I feel tired, and I sleep for days on end, and then I wake up, and really, I wonder why I even bothered, but issues like this remain the
gleaming bright spot in what is otherwise an existence routinely shrouded in blackness.

The ending, with several graphic depictions of death, was truly powerful.  Allred did an incredible job, much better than I did back in first grade.  Except I bet Michael Allred isn't shuffled into "special" groups for drawing what he drew.  That's why he's a world-famous comic book artist everyone loves, and
I'm, well, I think I pretty much said it already.  The plot of this comic is striking, because it asserts that this X-Force team is doing what they do for fame and wealth, not heroism.  Which is a perfect statement for today's society.  No  one is interested in altruism, just doing things for themselves, like
bringing home a 20-year old girlfriend when your six year old son is already having nightmares of "Chucky" from Child's Play raping him at knife point, and wondering why Mommy lives in a new apartment with "her friend Beth."

The opening flashback, with a young Zeitgeist and his girlfriend, had to be one of my favorite scenes.  I could really connect to it on a personal level,
because one time I had a date with a girl, too.  Apparently, though, she wasn't very impressed by the multitude of slash marks on my wrist.  I always thought I should have covered that up, but I never looked at myself enough to bother.  Truthfully, I can't look at myself longer than five seconds without wanting to cry in shame.

Finally, I was really impressed by the date of this cover.  Although it came out in late May, it said "July."  That struck me, because I really wasn't planning on living to July.  But now that this comic came out, I realized that if I stuck around I could read two more issues of this wonderful, masterpiece of literature.  

Rating: Perfect.

"Transformations, Literal & Otherwise"

Reviewer:  Hatey McHate

You know, when I was a young LAD back in Ireland, I used to get so fucking pissed off at all the crap I'd see around me.  Nothing's changed, especially in this "new" issue of the Amazing Spider-Man (or, as I call it, "the Crapazing Spider-Shit").  Once again, Marvel screws up with their whole "new and different" thing.  They try that shit all the time.  Remember the "all-new, all-different X-Men?"  I do.  I first read it in Ireland when I was getting drunk in a bar.  Luckily, I was so drunk that I vomited all over the comics, thus I was not forced to endure the torture of reading the whole thing.  Marvel's tried it again with Spider-Man bringing new creators onto the title, and I don't think it's premature to declare that this attempt was a colossal failure.  The new writer sucks.  Just when you think something couldn't suck more, you see the art.  It's so bad, I'm surprised they hired this guy.  His art sucks so bad that I had hickeys all over my fingers after touching each page.

Anyway, we now find the annoyingly limber Peter Parker on his own again (after the editorial staff racistly removed the redheaded Mary Jane).  He does a bunch of boring shit like talking and swinging around.  Gee, Peter talks and swings.  How original!  That last sentence was sarcasm.  More back-to-basics garbage!  If you want to see Spider-Man talking and swinging on webs, go buy a back issue!  I almost fell asleep seven times while reading this comic.  I hadn't yawned this much since that time that I woke up from a beer-induced coma to find my wife having sex with my best friend.  I kept yawning to kind of remind them that I was still in the room, and that I could wake up at any time to discover her infidelity and his betrayal.  But they kept at it.  It went on for hours and she orgasmed more times than I could count, but the joke was on him.  They're both dead now.

And I envy them.  Being dead, they will never have to read this issue of the Amazing Spider-Man.  Did I mention there's an old man in this comic?  Well, there is.  He's old and stupid and it doesn't make ANY SENSE!

Rating:  Sucks

"Wake Up Part 1"

Reviewer:  Tad Hopeful

You ever feel like killing yourself after seeing a work of art that's so amazing that you realize you don't deserve to live in a world where such beautiful art exists?  I do, every single day.  I was trying to hang myself again this morning, but, as usual, I screwed up.  I tied the rope all wrong (I can never seem to get it right) and fell head-first at the concrete floor in my basement apartment.  I stood up and noticed that the trail of blood eerily pointed to the new issue of Daredevil.  I took this as an omen that I'd succeed in my next attempt, which put me in a rare good mood, so I decided to sit down and take a gander at it.

First, there's the cover.  I can't tell you how happy I was to see that the title of the comic was correct.  It said "Daredevil," and the comic was, in fact, a Daredevil comic.  I've never actually see a comic book publisher get this part wrong, but I think it's important to give praise for any and all accomplishments. 

The story was straightforward, meaning it was easy for my small brain to figure out.  People are always telling me I'm stupid, as they should, so it's good that this story was simple enough for even me.  There's a small boy who's all sad about his father being missing.  I can sympathize, but at least he wasn't directly responsible for his parents' divorce, like I was.  Still, I can relate to his pain.

Ben Urich is a Daily Bugle reporter trying to figure out where his dad, Leap Frog, has disappeared to.  Maybe the boy said things he shouldn't have, which made his dad angry and made him hate his son and wife, so he just left forever.

This issue ends with a "to be continued" which reminded me how my life always ends in "to be continueds" since I never know what kind of new pain awaits me each day. 

I loved the painted artwork.

Rating:  Perfect