“None, thanks.”

That’s my new maid. Her name’s Mrs Carney. She’s a lovely, little Irish woman with really saggy breasts… but I suppose that’s a prerequisite for a pensioner. Either way, she made the best damn cup of English tea that I’d ever tasted.

I guess she was like a Grandmother that was on my pay list. Let me make it clear though, I didn’t pay her anything else other than cleaning and cooking…

Anyway, I’m sitting in front of the TV (for a change) and she hands me my cup as I flick through the channels.

“Soap operas? No. Adverts? No. Football? Football? For fuck’s sake, they don’t even USE their feet! Soccer is real football! Soccer is a stupid fucking name too!”

“Christopher Champion!”

She hated swearing. Well, most women do. Still, I always found it unusual for someone I was paying to yell at me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her to shut up. Maybe I do swear too much. It’s probably due to the fact that I keep being booked against chumps like Trey.

“Aha! Now, here’s a film I’ve not seen in years!”

I never did quite see the attraction of a skinny guy sitting on a bench handing out chocolates to people and telling them his life story. Regardless of my thoughts on Forrest Gump, the film had been a box office smash and was acclaimed as a modern day classic by critics across the world. In fact, I can only remember reading one bad review of the film.

That review came from some Canadian loser called Jake…something. Or was it John? Ah, what does it matter. He’ll never do anything with his life.

“You know, my Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates,” grunted Tom Hanks, whilst looking like a discharged paedophile, “you never know which one you’re gonna get!”

Classic film quote. Sure, this little line brought Forrest Gump several Oscars and awards… but had anyone taken the time to actually analyse what he was trying to say?

A box of chocolates? My life? I’m sorry, Tom, but I’ve seen Philadelphia and know you’re a closet homosexual. I never trust queers either. Let's face it, would YOU trust George Michael after 'Fast Love'. That song was about screwing chicks... but he's gay! Yup, after achieving a gold record with a song full of lies, I had decided homosexuals were not to be trusted.

That’s precisely why I had decided Forrest Gump was lying to me. He was lying to the world.

My life? A box of chocolates? No, Tom. It’s much more complicated. My life is strategic. It’s well thought out. Every character in my life has a set role and purpose.

My life?

It’s like a chessboard.