The Questions

6/5/99 Dear Mademoiselle Renee:
I have this 'friend' who has trouble findin an easy woman. Yunno? As in "Hoppo into the sacko"? What should 'he' do?
Sined,
(Moving fingers agitatedly)

Dear moving fingers agitatedly,
If your friend is looking for a woman who is easy to get into the sack, you might suggest that he A. makes sure to take this summer's vacation in Nevada and brings lots of cash, or B. get tickets to the Gerry Springer show, and proposition one of the women who appears on it. Either way, he'll have better luck than if he choses to go the route of bad pick up lines in sleazy bars.
Mad' Renee

8/30/99

dear Renee,
I'm concerned about violence against pumpkins. This is the time of the year when traditionally thousands upon thousands of these loveable, harmless squash are slaughtered, maimed and disfigured. I don't feel that my thoughts are radical by any stretch of the imagination. Were these tasty, nutritious plants surrendering their life force for food such as pumpkin pie or pumpkin soup or pumplin bread, I would say, "Amen! The circle of life goes on!!" But for holiday decoration? What an abomination! Are there any groups who share my concerns?
signed, born to be mild.

Dear born to be mild,
I'm not sure that there is a group of people dedicated to the eradication of violence against veggies, but perhaps you might start one? Some people might take your grave concerns the wrong way, but I'm sure you've faced that before. Don't let people tell you that your views are warped, and if they do, don't listen; talk to the anti-christmas tree, anti-thanksgiving turkey and anti-fur people instead. Would you really take the opinion of someone who spent hours carving a goofy face into a pumpkin seriously, anyway? I didn't think so.
Sincerely, Mad' Renee

Frankly, Mad' Renee could use a few more questions, don't you think? What, all your lives are perfect or something?