quotes
"'Ello Sue! I've got legs! Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. [smashes bread into her head] Bye!! I love you." (adolescent flirting)
"Hi, I'm Crazy Eddie, I put babies on spikes." (you can be anything you want to be in America)
"...until you come to that famous line, 'Do you want a cup of coffee?' and if they say 'Yeah, alright' then sex is on." (advice)
"So Hitler was a vegetarian and a painter. He must have been going 'I can't get the f*in' trees...Damn I will kill everyone in the world!"
"Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby-Doo!" (God lecturing Holy Ghost)
"Yeah, kill the clay pigeons; clay pigeons are f*ers."
Dr. H: Hilda, Hilda wake up!
H: What is it Dr. Heimlich?
Dr. H: I have invented a maneuver!
"How's it coming Dr.?
Well it's not really a maneuver right now...more of a gesture."
"There are only two positions in snowboard. The first is going along, looking cool, and the other is DEAD!"
"You couldn't just wind your watch, you had to get at new bloody watch. 'Oh it's AD now is it?'" (on the BC/AD changeover)
"I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong...with a spoon in them."
"What is it Sebastian? I'm arranging matches."
God: Jesus Christ, what on earth is that?
J: Don't take my name in vain, Dad.
God: Jeezy Creezy, what on earth is that?
Church of England: Cake or Death?
Brit: Ah, cake please.
"Is this the Sea of Tranquility?"
"Building a henge, are we? Fantastic." On the building of Stonehenge
"God made man in his own image. God made the dinosaurs in the image of his cousin Ted."
"Dad, are you going to do the James Mason impression throughout this whole thing?
"I will set up a new religion. I will call it...the psychotic bastard religion."
"Guns don't kill people, people kill people and so do monkeys (if they've got a gun)"
"Some people have black and white dreams. Cheap-o dreams. Gotta bang the set before you go to bed."
"Darling, don't go to war. It's dangerous: rat-a-tat boom and all those noises."
"The queen is trying to break Victoria's record. Queen Victoria was queen for 2,000 years."
"Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jee..."
Death Star cantine worker: You'll need a tray.
DV: Do you know who I am?
CW: Do you know who I am?
DV: This is not a game of who the f* are you? I am Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.
CW: You'll still need a tray
DV: No, I do not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can you without a tray.
"Original sin, now that's a hellish idea:
sinner 1: Bless for father for I have sinned. I poked a badger with a spoon!
priest: Ah very good! Now say 12 Hail Mary's and 2 Hello Dolly's.
sinner 2: Bless me father, for I slept with my neighbor's wife.
priest: Heard it!"
"Yeah! Bread! For my gun!" (intimidating murderers at a grocery store)
"When a kid plays an instrument, they want to play sexy tunes, so all the other kids listen and think, wow, let's shag him as soon as we know how!"
"There's techno-fear and techno-joy."
"How people look is kind of a circle. There's people who look like a dickhead, then there's average people, then people who look cool cool cool way hip and groovy and then your back to dickhead."
"F*ing nuclear physicists, get off my roof!!"
"There's a mouse, laying a plan!"
"I've thought of the perfect show for like 4am when everyone's blown their brains out. It's called 'Who's pig is this?' "
"They call it coming out of a book, and you have to do it some time in your life."
"You got to put on a thimble because sometimes the needle goes slip up into the brain...and your dead.
"Needle death. Tragic...whole family. Family of sewwers."
"This is a strip tease in slow motion."
"We're fresh out of skiis. How bout elephants?"
"Are you sure they're coming on elephants? Maybe there was a typo...they're coming in their element?"
"I played it like a foghorn being dragged through a place foghorns should be dragged" (the clarinet)
"Soon her glasses will be bigger than her body. She'll start fires everywhere." (the queen)
Man: He's dead; gangrene set in.
Captain Transvestite: He's dead? He fell off a bike!
Man: Yeah, he fell in a bit of gangrene.
"It's like some ambassador coming up and saying 'You're all f*ers. Piss off! The problem is you're all foreigners. Bye.'"
"Agammenon, famous warrior! Ajax, famous toilet cleaner!"
"Shag the queen!"
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