trekjokes

3. Why is Hallowe'en the Ferengi's favourite Terran holiday?
Because it's so ear-y.

4. Which Star Trek species is the most thankful for static guard this Thanksgiving season?
The Kling-ons.

5. Which Star Trek species is the most capable of swimming and breathing underwater?
The "Flounders" of the Dominion.

6. Which Star Trek species has the most open heart this Valentine's season?
The a-Vorta.

8. What is the phrase heard most often in Voyager's Mess Hall?
"Medical Emergency!!!"

10. How many Romulans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to change the bulb and one to kill him and take the credit for it.

11. How many Ferengi does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll charge enough to make you think there are ten of him.

12. How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change it and one to sell the other light bulb.

13. Why was the Ferengi deported from the Klingon Empire?
For trying to establish Kahless Shoe Store.

14. How many Klingons do you need to change a lightbulb?
None. They're not afraid of the dark.

15.What happend to the klingon that did change the lightbulb?
He got killed because he was a coward.

16. How many tribbles does it take to change a lightbulb?
1... 2... uhm... 4... Wait! 8... Hold on... 16... -

17. How many Bajorans does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know! The bloody Cardassians stole the lightbulb!!

20. What do toilet paper and the USS Enterprise have in common?
They both wipe out Kling-ons.

1. If Seven of Nine married Norman 11 [from TOS's "I, Mudd"], would she be 7 of 11?

2. Knock-knock. Who's there? Uhura. Uhura who?
U-hura the knock-knocks too, huh?

4.What did the short Ferengi technician say to the constable when accused?
"You've got the Rom man!"

5. On Hallowe'en, where does the crew of the Starship Enterprise hang out?
On the holo-Drac.

6. Say this one ten-times-fast:
Quirky Quark queried an inquizzitive question quickly.

7. What's a true canuck say when inquiring about a refit Constitution-class starship?
"It's the Enterprise, eh?"

8. What do you call a starship that's extremely dependant on its crew.
Very Reliant.

1.You know you're a Trekker when everytime you part company you say, "Live long and prosper."

3....you're a Vulcan when you follow the old adage "never leave home without a tricorder."

4....you're a Klingon when you follow the old adage "never leave home without your d'k tahg."

5....you're a Ferengi when you follow the old adage "never leave home without a bank account."

9....you're a Vulcan when you derive "illogical pleasure" from quoting regulations to the captain.

10....you're a Trekker when you can't stand it if you miss The Doctor's latest attack at Neelix.

11....you're a Trekker when you like to quip, "I'm a [your occupation], not a..."

13....you're a good actor when you can say "Get off my bridge" and make it sound like you
really mean it.

14....you're a Trekker when all you really wanted for Christmas was the Star Trek Encyclopedia
(or ST:FC: Widescreen).

15....you're a Trekker when you become volatile after missing thirty seconds of the opening teaser
of the most recent episode.

16....you're a Ferengi when your favourite human expression is "let the buyer beware."

17....you have a very broad palate when you actually can tolerate Talaxian cooking.

18....you're a Trekker when you think "Revenge is a dish best served cold" originated with Star
Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn.

19....you're a P/Ter if after a year, your favourite episode is still "Blood Fever" from Voyager's
"Trilogy of Terror."

20....you're an extremist if you've downloaded over twenty minutes worth of scenes from "Message
in a Bottle."

21....Valentine's is your favourite holiday if you think that the Vulcan hand salute reminds you of a
heart (less the thumb).

22....Valentine's is your favourite holiday if you have little heart cookie cutters with the expression
"Live long and prosper" engraved in them.

23....you're a Trekker if you can recite the Rules Of Acquisition and name 200 ways to fuse an
Optronic Relay. (and capitalize all the important words)

24....you're a Trekker when the highlight of your day is surfing the net looking for fan-fic and
reviews.

27....you're a Trekkie if you tape every episode ever shown and you freak out if you miss one.

28....you're a Trekkie if you freak out when you miss a re-run of any Star Trek show!

30....you're a Trekker if you freak out when you walk to the microwave oven and say.,
"Tea, Earl Grey, hot!"

1. Picard says to Worf: "Fire at will!"
     Worf fires his phaser at Cmdr. Riker.
     "No! The other will!"
     Worf fires at Wesley.
     "No! Not Wil Wheaton!"

2. Geordi was piloting a shuttle when his visor fell off, leaving him to pilot completly blind.
    Amazingly, he landed the shuttle safely, and when he returned to the Enterprise, Picard asked
     him how he did it.
     "I used the Jesus Christ method, sir." he said.
     "Ah, yes." said Picard. "In Ancient times, many pilots used to say that Jesus Christ was their
     co-pilot."
    "That's not what I meant sir." Geordi said. "I just pointed the nose of the shuttle straight down,
    and when Riker yelled 'Jesus Christ!', I knew it was time to level off and land!"

3. When James Kirk was a young Lt., he was sent on a landing party to the planet Neural where
      he befriended a native named Tiree. One day Tiree said to his friend, "Before we can work
      together, you must undergo a ritual that will prove that you are a man of the tribe. First, you
      must drink a gallon of wiki-waki juice, wrestle a Mugato, and finally make love to a witch
      woman."
      Kirk said okay and accepted the jug of juice gulped it down and then wandered of into the
      woods. About three hours later he returns. His clothes are in shreds, there are cuts and bruises
      everywhere, but he's smiling and says, "Awright. Now where's that witch woman I've got to
      wrestle?"

MUSICAL PARODIES

              THE RE-SET
              (Sung to the Time Warp)
                    Thanks to WWS

Chakotay    It's astounding
                      Trek is Fading
                      Badness takes its toll
                      But listen closely

Janeway     Not for very much longer

Chakotay    I've got to take control
                      I remember, Pushing the Re-Set
                      Drinking those moments when
                      The blackness would hit me

Chakotay and Janeway
                    And the void would be calling

Crew        Let's Push the Re-Set again!
                  Let's Push the Re-Set again!

Barkley     It's just a jump across space,

Crew        And a plothole or two,

Barkley     With our hands on our hips

Crew        We've got nothing to do!
                  But it's the Magic Tech,
                  That really drives you insane
                  Let's Push the Re-Set again!
                  Let's Push the Re-Set again!

Janeway     It's so dreamy
                     Oh, fantasy free me
                     So you won't see me
                     Don't even call.
                     In another dimension
                     With artistic pretension
                     Well deluded, I Know All.

Chakotay    With a bit of a plot flip

Janeway     I'll have a new ship!

Chakotay    And we'll redo it, all again

Janeway     it's just one more iteration,

Chakotay    NO NO IT'S CANCELLATION!!!

Crew           Let's Push the Re-Set again!
                     Let's Push the Re-Set again!

B'Elanna    Well I was cruzin' through space
                     Just a having a think
                     When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
                     He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise
                     He had his Delta Flyer and the devil's eyes
                     He stared at me and I thought I'd change
                     but Time meant nothing, never did anyway

Crew          Let's Push the Re-Set again!
                    Let's Push the Re-Set again!

Barkley      It's just a jump through space

Crew         And then a trip through time,

Barkley      We've done it so often now,

Crew         It oughtta be a crime!
                   But it's the Magic Tech
                   That really drives you insane
                   Let's Push the Re-Set again!
                   Let's Push the Re-Set again!

-------------------------------------------------------
and of course the finale:
-------------------------------------------------------

Rupert Murdoch -     Brannon Braga, it's all over
                                      Your series is a failure
                                      Your lifestyle's too extreme
                                      I'm the new Programmer,
                                      Your shows are in the slammer,
                                      We return to our scheduled broadcast -
                                      Prepare the Reality TV...

And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects called the human race
Lost in time, and lost in space
And meaning

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship,
Not a computer was working, not even a blip;
Communications were silenced by Uhura with care,
In hopes that Starfleet would forget they were there.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Wrigley's Pleasure Planet danced in their heads;
And Kirk in his quarters, a heavy sigh from his chest,
Had just settled down to a well-deserved rest.

When down in the labs there arose such a clatter,
Kirk sprang from his bunk to see what was the matter.
To the turbolift he rushed with a roar,
Dropped down two decks and burst from the door.

The light in the walls of the corridor space
Gave dimness of evening to the Captain's face;
When, what to his suspicious eyes should appear
But three anti-grav units, piled high with some gear.

Behind them a fellow, dressed up all in red,
With a white, flowing beard and a cap on his head.
More stealthily than Klingons his helpers they came,
And he whispered, and motioned, and called them by name.

"Now yeoman! Now ensign! Now nurse and lieutenant!
Be quick now, commander! We have a time limit!
To the rooms of the crew! To the end of each hall!
Now dash it and darn it! Be quiet you all!"

As good warriors ready to enter a fray,
When they meet with a leader, rush to obey,
So up to the sixth deck, the helpers they flew,
Each pair with a grav unit, and the gear piled on, too.

And, in a twinkling, Kirk gave hot pursuit
To see what this fellow would do with his loot.
As he hid in a niche, and was turning to spy,
Out of a room the fellow backed with a sigh.

He was covered in fur, from his foot to his dome,
And his body was rounded with stuffing of foam;
White trimming about his fat belly traversed,
And he looked like a tribble, ready to burst!

The end of a stylus he held tight in his fist,
And marked off each stop on his computer print list.
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a grin
That went almost unseen `neath the beard on his chin.

His helper was taller, and dressed like an elf,
And Kirk smiled when he saw him, in spite of himself;
The slant of a brow and the point on an ear,
Soon gave Kirk to know he had nothing to fear.

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their chore
And placed a wrapped package inside every door.
Then meeting the others, all finished and done,
They headed back down, from where they had come.

Kirk sprang from his niche, to watch them take their leave,
And the last thing he saw was the red fellow's sleeve.
But Kirk heard him exclaim ere he dove out of sight,
"I'm a doc, not a Santa. Hope I got everything right."

Paris got run over by a reindeer
Piloting a shuttle Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Neelix, we believe.

He'd been drinking alien egg nog
Till there wasn't any more.
Then he couldn't pay his bar tab,
So he took off in that shuttle at warp four.

When we found him Christmas morning,
The whole shuttle was a wreck.
There were hoof prints on his forehead,
And suspicious piles of deer poop on the deck.

Paris got run over by a reindeer.
Piloting a shuttle Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Neelix, we believe.

Now our hearts all bleed for Torres,
She's so grieved to see Tom go.
See her chewing Chuckles' cheekbone,
And pursuing Harry Kim with mistletoe.

It's not Christmas without Paris.
All the crew is blue and sad.
And we just can't help but wonder:
What in heck will Captain Janeway tell his dad?

Paris got run over by a reindeer.
Piloting a shuttle Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Neelix, we believe.

Now the tree is in the mess hall
And the leola root pies (eyewww!)
And the blue and crimson candles,
That remind us all of poor Tom's bloodshot eyes.

We've warned all the Delta Quadrant.
Put your shields up all the way
Prime your weapons and keep scanning
For a pudgy, bearded alien in a sleigh.

Paris got run over by a reindeer.
Piloting a shuttle Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Neelix, we believe.

Dashing 'cross the 'Way,
In a two-nacelled starship;
Through some nebulae,
"This Starfleet ship is 'hip!' "

Antimatter blows,
Making us take flight.
Zooming 'cross the galaxy;
And all that in one night!

OH!
Warp nacelles, warp nacelles!
Warpin' us away!
Oh what fun it is to fly a Starfleet ship today!

HEY!
Warp nacelles, warp nacelles!
Warpin' us away!
Oh what fun it is to fly a Star-fleet ship to-day!

                           12 hypos spraying
                           11 comms a-chirping
                           10 tricorders beeping
                           9 padds a-waiting
                           8 phasers firing
                           7 tractors towing
                           6 nanites growing
                           5 micro-cell scanners
                           4 torpedo tubes
                           3 phase-inducers
                           2 anti-grav boots
                           & a hydrospanner on a biobed!

                           -On the ___ day of Christmas my Captain gave to me:
                           A cup of Earl Grey Tea
                           2nd: 2 singing Klingons
                           3rd: 3 warp drives
                           4th: 4 morphing Odos
                           5th: 5 shots at Wes
                           6th: six pointy bat'leths
                           7th: seven wormhole prophet
                           8th: eight murdered ensigns
                           9th: nine sickbay patients
                           10th: ten photons launching
                           11th: 'leven Prime Directives
                           12th: twelve trombones playing

                            A Vulcan in a pear tree
                            2nd: 2 Bald captains
                            3rd:   3 VISORed mice
                            4th:   4 Klingons fighting
                            5th:   5 Birds of Prey
                            6th:   6 thousand Tribbles
                            7th:   7 of Nine
                            8th    8 Ocampans camping
                            9th:   9 Q's a queing
                           10th   10 crewman spewing
                           11th:   11 Neelix's cooking
                           12th:   12 Redshirt's dying

E-Mail or Star Trek Site URL:

I hereby grant permission to Guinan to post my e-mail or site address.