MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES



* Subject: NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE



* SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



*SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.



*BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough
to keep the job going in your absence.



* YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.



* REST ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go
from 8:00 to 8:10; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to
8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary 
to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors
in writing must approve this exchange.

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At 
the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, and the stall door will open.



* PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to

help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount:

* Gross pay $1,222.02

* Income tax $244.40

* Outgo tax $45.21

* State tax $11.61

* Interstate tax $61.10

* County tax $6.11

* City tax $12.22

* Rural tax $4.44

* Back tax $1.11

* Front tax $1.16

*Side tax $1.61

* Up tax $2.22

* Tic-Tacs $1.98

* Thumbtacks $3.93

* Carpet tacks $0.98

* Stadium tax $0.69

* Flat tax $8.32

* Surtax $3.46

* Corporate tax $2.60

* Parking fee $5.00

* F.I.C.A. $81.88

* T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95

* Life insurance $5.85

* Health insurance $16.23

* Dental insurance $4.50

* Mental insurance $4.33

* Reassurance $0.11

* Disability $2.50

* Ability $0.25

* Liability $3.41

* Unreliability $10.99

* Coffee $6.85

* Coffee Cups $66.51

* Floor rental $16.85

* Chair rental $0.32

* Desk rental $4.32

* Union dues $5.85

* Union don'ts $3.77

* Cash advance $0.69

* Cash retreats $121.35

* Overtime $1.26

* Undertime $54.83

* Eastern time $9.00

* Central time $8.00

* Mountain time $7.00

* Pacific time $6.00

* time Out $12.21

* Oxygen $10.02

* Water $16.54

* Heat $51.42

* Cool air $26.83

* Hot air $20.00

* Miscellaneous $113.29

* Sundry $12.09

* Various $8.01

Net Take Home Pay $0.02



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a 
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.



Have a nice week.