Seeking Knowledge

"Can I fuck you?" asked Daniel. "Will you show me how?"

Jack went still in his arms, and Daniel was afraid he had pushed it too far, or maybe had been too crude. He had thought that with Jack, a direct approach would work best. Maybe not? "Please," he whispered against Jack's neck, his hands sneaking under Jack's shirt to caress his warm back. He needed to know what it was like. He burned with the need to know, as always. Excitement crawled through his belly just at the thought of it, of taking Jack like that, of pushing his cock into another man. "Please," he asked again, rubbing his chest against Jack's because it was flat and wide just like his, and so much of their bodies could touch.

Jack raised his head, his eyes catching Daniel's, his expression unreadable. For a moment Daniel thought Jack would refuse, which would have been perfectly all right. Disappointing, yes, but he had heard that some men just didn't do that kind of thing. They didn't like it, didn't like what it represented.

Jack nodded with a quick jerk of his chin. "Sure, no problem," he said casually, as if Daniel had asked him to pick up a quart of milk on the way over. "We can do that."

Daniel's heart beat faster. Another mystery, about to be revealed.

Jack slipped out of Daniel's arms, stepping back to unbutton his shirt. "You bought stuff, right?" he asked.

"No, let me, okay?" Daniel pulled Jack's hands away from the buttons. "If you mean lubricant, yes, the same kind you have."

"Good." Jack spread his arms wide, head dipping down to watch Daniel's hands at work.

As Daniel unbuttoned Jack's yellow shirt, he felt a sense of dislocation. It was strange to be standing in his own bedroom, undressing Jack. As always, it was a strange and wonderful moment, especially with a button-down shirt like this one, where he could expose, with each button that he slipped from its buttonhole, a Jack very different than the one he had always known: the soldier, the friend, the confidant; the thorn in his side, sometimes. Now Jack was something new to him, something unexplored. Daniel could unbutton his shirt and uncover naked skin and swirls of hair; a broad flat chest, the occasional scar. This Jack, this new Jack, would inhale sharply when Daniel unbuckled his belt, stomach muscles contracting, pulling back from Daniel's touch as if Daniel's touch was too much sensation to bear. He would close his eyes as Daniel unzipped his pants. This Jack was the one he could touch, sliding his hand down inside of Jack's pants to wrap his fingers around the erect cock hidden away inside.

"Daniel," Jack said in a choked voice. He put his hand over Daniel's, pushing it hard against his cock. "God, Daniel." He pulled Daniel close and kissed him, raspy whiskers scraping Daniel's chin as slid his tongue into Daniel's mouth, teaching Daniel a new language.

Daniel had always been an enthusiastic student. He squeezed Jack's cock, loving the solid feel of it in his hands, the tangible expression of Jack's desire for him. He walked toward his bed, herding Jack in front of him, making him step backward, coveting the smile on Jack's face. His bed was small, and when they rolled onto it, he almost pushed Jack over the edge in his eagerness. But Jack hung on, flinging a pillow aside, clinging to Daniel as he scolded him. Daniel merely laughed. They struggled to undress each other. Jack's pants caught around his ankles; Daniel's shirt tangled in his arms. They muttered curses as their knees bumped, their elbows clashed. With a final kick of his legs, Daniel was naked, Jack was naked, both were naked, all was good.

Jack wrapped a cool, rough hand around Daniel's balls, startling him. Daniel was still getting used to Jack just reaching down and touching him like that, cupping him gently with a hand callused by years of handling a P90. Daniel threw a leg over Jack's hip, exposing himself fully to Jack, letting Jack touch him everywhere as he mouthed Jack's shoulder. He wanted to feel everything. He wanted Jack to show him everything.

Despite being startled, he loved the way Jack touched him. Jack knew all the secret places—the stretch of skin behind his balls, the underside of his cock, the nape of his neck, the back of his knees. Jack knew just how to slide his hand up and down the shaft of his cock, how to press down with his thumb at just the right moment. Jack knew all this about Daniel already, had learned so much, and Daniel wanted to learn too.

Jack was squeezing and stroking Daniel's cock, making Daniel's balls tighten up as he reached the edge all too quickly. Daniel jerked his hips back, getting his overexcited cock out of Jack's very capable hands.

"Whoa, yeah, not yet," Daniel gasped. He was afraid he wouldn't last a minute once he got inside of Jack. He wanted it to be good for Jack.

"Okay, okay. Chill." Jack pushed him onto his back, straddling him, knees pressing against Daniel's hips. "So excitable," Jack teased, nipping his shoulder.

"You think?" Daniel asked, smiling as he reached up and ran his hands along Jack's body. He couldn't imagine any other way to be, not when he was naked and in bed with Jack. Just the thought of what Jack was about to let him do—Jack, with his short gray hair that was so soft to the touch, his flat chest and bony ass, his cock, still so foreign, dragging across Daniel's stomach. Being with Jack like this made him feel warm and alive, even joyful, in a way that he never thought he'd feel again.

"What?" Jack asked, noticing Daniel's steady gaze.

Some small change in Daniel's expression must have given him away, because when Daniel brought his hand to Jack's face, Jack turned away, climbing off Daniel and fumbling around the bedside table. "It's been a while for me, you know, so you just need to go slow," he instructed.

"Okay," Daniel said to Jack's back. "Bottom drawer. And we can take it as slow as you need." He brushed his fingers across Jack's shoulders as he spoke. Jack turned his head, eyes flickering over Daniel before he retrieved the small bottle.

"I don't know, Daniel, you do have the tendency jump into things with both feet." He spoke slowly as he unsnapped the lid.

"I wasn't thinking of using my feet. Unless you have some interesting kink I don't know about?" Daniel reached for the bottle.

Jack sat back on the bed and gave him that look, the one that could be exasperation or affection; Daniel could never tell. "What I'm saying is, third time out, and you want to go all the way," Jack explained.

Daniel nodded. "Yes, yes I do."

Jack reached for the bottle in his hand, but Daniel held it out of his reach. "I just need to get myself ready—I have to, you know—" Jack said.

"Lubricate yourself. Right?" Daniel asked. "I can do it. I know how it works."

"Okay, okay." Jack pushed the sheet down, then rolled over, laying flat on his stomach, head turned toward Daniel. "I forgot, you're a quick learner," he said, his dark eyes watchful.

Daniel was a quick learner, and had learned a great deal so far. He had learned that Jack liked to have his nipples sucked. And that sucking cock was simpler than going down on a woman. And that sliding his fingers inside Jack while he sucked on him produced thrilling results, with Jack whimpering and writhing in ecstasy.

He had also learned there was an unspoken rule. They didn't talk about this. They didn't say anything more than what was necessary to get to where they were going.

Daniel had never any good at following rules. He kissed the center of Jack's back, the smooth patch of skin between his shoulder blades. "Beautiful," he murmured.

"Daniel," Jack said, voice muffled in the mattress. "Just get on with it."

Unperturbed, Daniel rubbed his cheek against Jack's skin, then kissed his way down Jack's spine. Jack was beautiful to him, and Jack had to know that, with his long, angular body stretched out naked on his bed, completely open for Daniel to touch, to take. With a little lube, it was wonderfully simple to slide his index finger inside Jack, to make Jack moan and stretch his arms out over his head, to make Jack sigh and move his hips against the mattress. But that tightness around his finger, the heat and the muscle pulsing against it, went right to his groin, and the vulnerability of Jack's openness went straight to his heart. Another finger, and Jack moaned so loudly that Daniel thought he had hurt Jack, but Jack pushed his hips up, forcing Daniel's fingers in deeper. With his fingertips, Daniel felt around, sliding along the silken space, and yes, that it was, that was the spot that made Jack grunt and push up onto his knees so that he could begin to rock. Daniel watched the heavy cock swaying between Jack's thighs, and as he worked his fingers in and out of Jack, he thought about how it would feel if he had Jack's cock surging in his mouth.

"Any time, now, Daniel," Jack said between clenched teeth.

"Like this? In this position?" Daniel asked.

"I like it just like this, okay?" Jack's voice was quiet in a manner that indicated was not to be discussed any further.

"Can't we do it facing each other?"

"Damn it, Daniel, do you want to do this or not?"

Yes, Daniel wanted to do it, wanted very much so. He crawled between Jack's legs, sat back on his heels, and contemplated his own cock. It seemed bigger than he remembered, especially when compared with the tight space his fingers had recently been in. "Okay, we'll do it like this," he said, thinking that there wasn't any way it could possibly work. He knew that such things had been done since the dawn of mankind, but it was one thing to imagine it in the abstract, and another completely to sit there facing Jack's tight little ass trying to figure out how to get tab A into slot B.

Lube, more lube, and yet more lube. Daniel basically knew how it worked, knew it depended on Jack being relaxed, knew that the ring of muscle, the annulus, could stretch and give. Still, he applied just a little more lube to himself, rubbing it on until his cock was glistening and slippery and the sensation of his own palm against his flesh made him shiver. He put a hand on Jack, sliding a thumb inside, making sure he knew where to go. It all felt vaguely ridiculous, not at all sexy, and suddenly he was very glad Jack wasn't facing him. Holding his cock in his hand, he lined it up and pushed carefully, leaning forward, on his knees.

"Push," Jack told him needlessly.

Daniel pushed, and it wasn't working, his cock was going nowhere, he wasn't doing it right.

"Harder."

He pushed harder, and something gave way, muscles relaxed. His cock penetrated Jack. It literally disappeared into Jack's body, disappeared into the heat and tightness, disappeared until Jack's muscles overwhelmed his entire cock. It was breathtaking. It was the discovery of new world, a new language, an amazing rush of pleasure. With his heart pounding, skin tingling, groin aching, Daniel was sure he was going to lose it, he was going to come right there and then, because all at once, it wasn't ridiculous, wasn't ridiculous at all. He had his cock shoved up Jack's ass, and it was the hottest thing he had ever done.

"Jack," he said in a broken voice, his hands on Jack's thighs, his hips, his hard, callused feet, moving constantly as he tried to control himself, tried to distract himself by touching Jack's body. "This is just, it's just—" he stuttered. He grabbed Jack's hips and hung on. Jack hadn't said anything. "Does it hurt? Did I hurt you?" Jack's skin was growing damp against his palms. Daniel really, really didn't want to pull out, but if he was hurting Jack, he'd have to, and if he waited much longer, he wouldn't be able to.

"No, no. It's fine. It's good. It's fucking peachy, okay?" Jack's voice sounded strained.

"I just don't want to hurt you," Daniel said. Surely if Daniel had hurt him, had pushed too hard, Jack would let him know. Daniel eased back out slightly, then slid back in, each move bringing a myriad of sensations. When he pushed in again, Jack rocked back against him, and they were doing it. It was working. He was fucking another man, he was fucking Jack.

It was different from being inside a woman. Daniel loved the power in that shove against his hips, the strength in Jack's thighs. He loved that there was a secret space inside of Jack, so wet and hot and soft, such a contrast to all the hard muscle and bone. He loved that he could make Jack whimper and moan. He only wished he could see Jack's face, although he could still read Jack's body—the flexing of muscles along that long, straight back, the bowed head, the clenched hands. Jack slumping forward, his weight on his on his forearms, fists clenched, his ass high in the air, the tremble in his thighs.

Jack taking it, Jack letting go, for him.

He wanted to see Jack's face.

"Amazing. This is amazing," Daniel managed to say. "Do—do you like this? Do you like me doing this to you?"

Jack moaned, and it might have been Daniel's name. The muscles around his around his cock twitched and then tightened powerfully, causing Daniel to lose his words. No thoughts, no words—only sensation, the searing pleasure growing with every thrust into Jack's body.

It was too beautiful to last. Daniel had no self-control. It slipped out of his grasp, lured by the heat of Jack's body, by the snug fit of Jack's muscles, by the sight of his own cock sliding in and out of Jack's ass. He gasped wordless apologies as his hips moved faster and faster, body shaking. He hung his head and watched mindlessly as his cock whipped in and out, over and over, his balls striking against warm skin. He was there, in that fleeting moment where life was simple and good, where Jack was his. He spoke Jack's name with every thrust, hands frantic, sliding over Jack's sweaty skin.

He came with one last push of his hips, orgasm flaring through him he tried to pour his entire body inside of Jack so he could stay there forever.

As the spasms faded, Daniel became aware of Jack panting beneath him, aware of Jack still needing. He pulled out, wincing, then rolled Jack over, pushing apart his long, skinny legs. Jack's hand was on his cock, still hard and red, an arm flung over his face while he moaned desperately. His hips jerked forward in a steady rhythm, pushing his cock through his fist. Daniel put his hand on Jack's wrist, moving it away, and Jack thrust straight into his mouth.

Daniel gagged as Jack's cock hit the back of his throat, but he quickly recovered, holding Jack by the hips, pushing him down into the mattress. Jack came at once, cursing loudly, his body spasming. Daniel, taken by surprise, managed to swallow some of it, but mostly it dripped out of his mouth as he struggled to hold Jack in place. He wished his own dick was still inside of Jack so that he could feel it, feel those muscles rippling around his dick when Jack came.

Next time, he thought, running his tongue over Jack's wet cock. Next time he would last more than two minutes, and he would feel Jack all around him when he came. Next time he would insist they do it face to face, so he could see Jack's eyes as they fucked.

Or maybe next time he would ask Jack to fuck him.

Daniel crawled up Jack's still-twitching body, licking his stomach, his chest, his throat, tasting Jack's sweat. He heard Jack's breathing hitch, but when he pulled Jack's arm from his face, Jack kept his eyes tightly shut. "Jack?" he asked.

Jack's answer was to bring his arm around Daniel's neck, pulling Daniel down to him until their mouths touched. His other arm clutched Daniel's waist, forcing Daniel to stretch out his legs and lie on top. With Jack's heart beating against his chest, Daniel eased his full weight onto Jack's body, covering him, keeping him. They kissed until Jack's breathing steadied, until Jack's grip on his body eased.

"Jeeze, Daniel," Jack finally whispered, nuzzling his ear. "You're—I just—jeeze, " he sighed, a gust of warm breath tickling Daniel's neck.

"Really?" Daniel asked. He felt too inert and lazy to speak, as if his brain had melted down along with his body. "Was good?" He lifted his head, looking at Jack's face at last.

After a long moment Jack smiled, a flicker of amusement in his eyes. "Was good."

***

It wasn't until later, when they were sitting around Daniel's white Formica kitchen table, eating sandwiches and corn chips, that Daniel broke the rules once again. This time, he chose a new tactic, an approach from a different angle.

"Can I ask you something, Jack?" It was his usual opening gambit.

"Daniel." Jack stared at him from over the top of his sandwich. "Could anything stop you from asking questions?"

Daniel thought about it. "No, I suppose not." He wanted to add that Jack demonstrated great skill at not answering his questions, but didn't.

"Thought so. Ask away." Jack gave an encouraging wave of his hand.

"How—" Daniel said, then hesitated. "How do you know—how can you tell if someone is gay? When you wanted to meet other guys, what did you do?"

"Meet?" Jack asked, his expression indicating Daniel had said something very amusing.

"Okay, maybe not meet." Bluntly, Daniel asked, "When you wanted to find other guys to have sex with, how did you know who was gay and who wasn't?"

"I just knew. By how they'd look at me. Some were more obvious than others, but I could tell." Jack put his sandwich down and leaned back, with his beer, watching Daniel. "I wasn't always old and gray, you know."

"But how—I mean, Jack, you're gay, or bi, or whatever you want to call it, and I never knew. I couldn't tell." It still irked Daniel. He was an anthropologist, for god's sake, and he hadn't known. His own friend. He'd completely missed this essential aspect of Jack. He hadn't had a clue until Jack's mouth was on his and Jack's tongue was in his mouth.

"Gaydar," Jack said solemnly as he stole a corn chip from Daniel's plate.

Jack was kidding, of course. "Jack—"

"Kidding, Daniel, just kidding."

"I knew that," Daniel said, a little too quickly. He looked down, contemplating the crumbs on his plate. "So, do you mean that you were looking at me like that and I never knew it?"

Jack smiled over at him, but his smile was a little wistful. "Daniel, I've spent a lifetime keeping that part of me locked up, hidden away. Under the sink, as a matter of fact. Next to the Drano. Which reminds me, I noticed your tub drains too slowly. Have you called your landlord about that?"

Redirection. Clumsy, for Jack, but Daniel let him get away with it. "Not yet. I will though. Soon," Daniel said.

They shared the last of the corn chips in silence, drinking the their beers as the sun set. "Jack, can I ask you something else?" Daniel finally said, fingering the label on his beer bottle.

Jack shrugged. "Why the hell not?"

"Your marriage," Daniel said. He knew land mines abounded, but he couldn't help it. He just had to try and make sense of it.

"What about it?" Jack's voice held a warning, a none too subtle one at that.

Choosing his words carefully, Daniel said, "Considering what we are doing, what you've done in the past, your marriage seems a little—incongruous."

Jack's eyes narrowed. "Listen Daniel, I loved Sara. And I never, ever cheated on her. What we had was good, while it lasted. Until I fucked it up."

His words were sharp, but Daniel remained unscathed, forging onward, his excitement growing. His goal was in sight. "What about the men? What about those relationships?"

Jack shook his head. "Those weren't 'relationships,' Daniel. I couldn't afford it."

"What about now?"

"Still can't," Jack answered.

Daniel's hands indicated the two of them. "So then what do you call us? You and me? Together? Doing what we do?"

"You really want to know, Daniel?" Jack's eyes burned. "We're a lie. We're a lie that we tell to Teal'c, to Carter, to General Hammond, to everyone. A lie that could get my ass court-martialed, and you thrown out of SGC altogether." Jack stood abruptly, hips bumping the table, knocking down his empty beer bottle. "And don't think they wouldn't do it," he added, leaning over the table, at Daniel his index finger stabbing the air. He picked up the beer bottle and threw it into Daniel's recycling bin, the sharp crash of glass on glass splitting the air.

The answer was near. Daniel could taste it. He rose from the table and followed Jack to the sink. Jack turned on the tap and squirted dishwashing liquid into the sink. The sound was loud.

"What am I to you?" Daniel asked quietly. "Tell me."

Jack's shoulders slumped as he stared down into the sink. He dropped a fork into the water with a splash. "My biggest nightmare."

From his lifetime of seeking answers, Daniel understood the importance of recognizing one when it was offered to him. He reached out, placed his hands on Jack's shoulders, and slowly turned him around. Jack didn't look up, but Daniel pulled him into his arms anyway, drawing his stiff body close. "I love you, too, Jack." His voice caught in his throat.

After a long minute, Jack wound his arms around Daniel's waist and rested his head on Daniel's shoulder. "I know," he sighed.