, a small division of TMDOTPBM Enterprises International, Inc. ©2003 Founded by The Mighty Druids®, ©1994. All rights reserved.Just because your coat is shiny doesn't mean you have to lick it too.
The gods have smote me. I admit that I may have done something that I shouldn’t have done. Normally my God wouldn’t worry about something like this, but because it is against what I believe is right, I have deserved what hat been wrought upon me. While talking with Jeni, she mentioned that Gary’s car wasn’t starting (so she had to go pick him up). I didn’t think much of it then, but on my way to work last night, as I was pulling into the parking lot of Kroger’s to pick up dinner (StarKist Tuna Lunch Pack) I thought to myself in a condescending inner-voice, “My car starts.” But it didn’t. And it still doesn’t (sniff). I came outside and got nothing. It didn’t even want to try to start. Argh! I have no excuse for my behavior.
So now I’ve got to get that fixed. Somehow.
Today Sara said a few comments about her opinion on certain things, but she was vague as to what she really meant. I don’t really remember what she said because I didn’t want to be in the room while she was talking about it, and that was because she was addressing Jeni. Later Jeni called me and asked me what Sara was talking about, but I couldn’t tell her even though I knew what she was saying. You see, Sara seems to think that Jeni and I should get together. She puts it this way: “You two just need to kiss.” Ugh. If only it were that easy.
But that’s not how things are. I’m not like that. I can’t think that way, nor do I want to. Whether it’s laughing at Gary’s misfortunes, or discussing Sara’s biased opinions on how things should be, I just want to do the right thing. I have no desire to pull Jeni away from Gary for the main reason that I can’t guarantee that I’d be able to make her more happy than she is with him. I have my opinion, but I still can’t guarantee anything. That would have to be something she decided. I mean, something inside my head sent signals to other parts of my head telling them that Jeni made me happy, so therefore it was in the body’s best interest to pursue her. She would need to do the same sort of thing, and until that happens I hope she’s very happy with Gary.
So despite what it may look like, Jeni and I are friends. I really enjoy spending time with her (that makes me happy). I look forward to talking with her. I take pleasure in singing Beatles songs in her car. But what I don’t want to do is be blamed for ruining anything between Jeni and Gary. I don’t want to influence anybody’s thinking with anything other than just being myself. So far I think I’ve done a decent job of doing that, with a few minor setbacks (thanks for showing me my error, God!). Sometimes I feel bad for even revealing my feelings to Jeni (not embarrassed, just bad), but I actually feel good for being honest. This may not be how I have been in the past (expressing my feelings), but it’s how I would want to be. Perhaps, though, I’m wrong in continuing to harbor these feelings with the knowledge I possess. I really do want to be friends, but there’s still that hope…
I don’t want this to turn into a situation like Jay had with Lori. I don’t want to end up spending months or years pining over a girl, no matter how much potential exists. I believe at this stage of my relationship with Jeni that I am doing well, with room to spare. I haven’t had to deal with any depression (as most you know is the hardest part for me), and I believe this is because I’ve welcomed a friendship without the necessity for anything more (and Jeni has been wonderful in allowing that friendship to happen in the first place). Sure, sometimes Jeni drives me crazy, frustrating me with her lack of communication, but it’s not anything I can’t deal with. I understand her situation, plus I can definitely relate with a reluctance to express what one is thinking or feeling. I still amaze myself (almost to the point of scaring myself) at how open I’ve been.
I believe that as long as I am able to outrun any depression I can continue without any negative effects. In the future this may be easier said than done considering the nature of the situation. But then again, what do I know? I’ve never been in a circumstance quite like this. I’ve only had to deal with emotions for girls I’ve already been close with, but that hasn’t happened (and may never happen) with Jen. This is definitely new territory for me.
So if I can manage to be content with the present situation (with maybe a few alterations here and there as time goes by) I’ll be just fine. My patience is definitely a virtue in all of this. I can wait, and maybe someday I’ll fall for somebody else. Or maybe I’ll have another girl come along and attempt to get my attention (which sounds more likely considering my shyness—I may have opened up with Jeni, but I’m not sure her astonishing reception of said openness has made it any easier to do it again… yet), as has happened with every girl I’ve dated.
Or maybe the wait will be worth it.
, a small division of TMDOTPBM Enterprises International, Inc. ©2003 Founded by The Mighty Druids®, ©1994. All rights reserved.