Ask Dr. Truth

by Hall Monitor staff psychologist Dr. Sherrie Truth

Dear Dr. Truth: I have been having "performance problems" with my girlfriend recently. Any ideas on what I can do to get the old engine revving again? --Flaccid in Florida

Dear Florida: Ever considered a testicular pump implant? My sources tell me they can work wonders for a Tired Tom like you. Check it out. In the meantime, try posting the latest Claudia Schiffer calender next to the bed. Guten abend!

Dear Dr. Truth: I recently moved in with my boyfriend "Carl." Even though we've been dating for over a year, I've discovered since the move in what a jerk he is. He's self-centered, money grubbing, insensitive, I could go on and on. I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life! What can I do? Please help me, Dr. Truth! --"Melinda" in Gum Springs

Dear Melinda: It's never too late to give the heave-ho to a world-class loser like you've described. Just reading the brief description you gave made my skin crawl! Head straight to the rental office and demand that they release you from the lease obligation. If they say no, tell Mr. Make-Me-Gag it's over and that you're going to be strictly roommates from now on. Then go out and find a new guy to flaunt in front of him. To really devastate him, plan a love making session with your new beau on the living room couch when Carl the Crumb is scheduled to come home from the office --that'll kill him for sure, and that's what we want, right?!

Dear Dr. Truth: My friends say you make all your letters up. Is this true? --Skeptical Sue

Dear Sue: Honey, I couldn't dream up anything as weird as what arrives in my mailbox every day! I'm just thankful that there are competent professionals like me around to deal with all you sickos!

Dear Dr. Truth: A friend of mine told me she was getting married for the second time in less than five years! I drove eight hours to her last wedding, and now she wants me to come help her "celebrate" her latest one. Should I go? Do I have to bring a gift? --Wedding Jitters

Dear Wedding: By all means go, and get as trashed as your liver will allow. This bitch is obviously trying to milk your goodwill to the hilt, and one good milking deserves another! If you create a scene, who cares? In fact, I encourage you to make a scene --consider it your gift to the happy couple! Try vomiting on the buffet, or better yet, the blushing bride! I guarantee you'll never be invited to another of "Zsa-Zsa's" weddings again!

Questions for Dr. Sheryl Truth can be sent directly to the Hall Monitor.

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