Ask Dr. Truth

by Hall Monitor staff psychologist Sherrie Truth

In this column, a Dr. Truth Intervention -- Dr. Truth councils a seriously disturbed young man about his obsessive relationship with his picture-perfect friend. Also, Skeptical Sue's back, and some advice for a "nutty" Texan.

Dear Dr. Truth: I have a big problem that I'm too embarrassed to discuss with even my best friend - because my problem is him! You see, Doctor, I'm insanely jealous of him. For starters, "Ken" has one of the most fabulous lovers ever and the passion they exude is blistering. Granted, my gal Melinda is fabulous, but I know that I fail her miserably and that I'll never be able to satisfy her the way I should (or the way "Ken" could)! I've joked in the past that my friend is leading a "fairy tale princess life," but underneath the facade of mirth I was crying bitter tears of envy and hate, because I knew he really was... "Ken" has a glamorous and exciting job which affords him the opportunity to travel the world and meet fabulous celebrities. While he parties away in St. Maartin, I remained chained to a desk. Sometimes, when I realize that retirement is 30 years away, I secretly pray to God that He take me now and end my suffering... Somehow, my friend also manages to find time for an amazing array of hobbies. He's an absolute computer whizkid, and although his computer is measurably inferior to mine, he still manages to run circles around me, venturing into areas like web publishing while I'm barely able to find the "on" switch to my ultra-powerful, mega-expensive monstrosity. As I write this, I feel as though I'm drowning in a sea of depression, because I'm starting to realize exactly how superior "Ken" is to me. I'm at my wit's end, Doctor. Please help me! --Carl

(First, an aside to readers: Carl's letter was a rambling, sometimes incoherent 5-page ordeal. For sanity's sake I have edited the content for clarity.)

Dear Carl: Carl, when I got your letter I started to worry, and as you know, I immediately responded in the hope of catching you before anything drastic happened. The more I thought about it, however, the more I started to see your point of view. I read and reread your letter, hoping to spot anything that might give me a glimmer of hope for your future, to no avail. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that it's time for a wake up call, Carl. Your constant comparisons to your friend will do nothing but mire you further in a bottomless pit of bile created by YOU! Yes, Carl, you are at the bottom of the chain of humanity, but rather than humiliate yourself further by fighting it, may I suggest you accept it, and maybe someday you'll be able to enjoy your life without constantly looking over your shoulder to see whoever happens to be outdoing you. Revel in your friend's happiness, show interest in what he does. How about buying a map and plotting all the glamour spots "Ken" has visited? Try buying your friend and his lover a tasteful gift to celebrate their true love. Only when you learn to stop the hate, stop the jealousy, and stop the envy will you be able to enjoy whatever pathetic shreds of a life you may still possess. To put it succinctly: Stop being a player-hater and grow up, Carl! If you don't, you won't be the only one praying to God to end your suffering!

Dear Dr. Truth: Thanks for responding to my last letter, but I must say I'm still confused. If you just went online, where did you get the letters for your first column? How did people know where to write? Or did you, as I suspect, make them all up? --Skeptical Sue

Dear Sue: While it's always nice to get repeat business, this is getting a little old! Even before the column started, I was receiving email on a daily basis from whacked-out losers wanting me to wave my magic wand and improve their lives. Eventually I found my official forum here at the Monitor. The first column's letters came from culling that initial batch of email. Now, if you'll permit, may I finally pronounce this case closed?!

Dear Dr. Truth: I recently saw the movie "In and Out" and one of the scenes has an older woman confessing that her husband has three testicles. Is this possible? And if so, where can I meet a man like that?-- Bowling for Balls in Texas

Dear Bowling: Yes, it's possible -- sounds to me like you may be having a little deficit in the love-making department. Let me assure you, I know you may be desperate for quality loving, but an extra testicle ain't gonna cut the mustard, toots! If Johnny Boy isn't providing in the equipment department, maybe you can convince him to wear a strap-on-type prosthesis. They're available at most major adult video stores. Look into it!

Questions for Dr. Sheryl Truth can be sent directly to the Hall Monitor.

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