Ask Dr. Truth
by Hall Monitor staff psychologist Sherrie Truth

Dear Dr. Truth: I live in a high-rise building, and I've noticed that every time I get in the elevator, I get an uncontrollable urge to pass gas. Why is this? I'm not terribly gassy at any other time, and this problem has led to some rather embarrassing situations.--9th Floor Sheik

Dear Sheik: You were right to consult me, a shrink, about this, because the problem here lies in your head, not your lower intestines, and unfortunately for all of us who live and work in high places, you're not alone in this problem. There are a number of possible explanations for this condition. Often times, when people find themselves in enclosed spaces, their minds start playing chicken with their bodies. Subconsciously, you begin to think about things like what might happen if you get stuck or otherwise can't hold in the offensive emissions until you're able to escape the elevator. Eventually, your body says "enough, already" and ends the mental anguish by releasing that which you were worrying about. Alternatively, some people find a challenge in the prospect of personally fumigating the tight confines of an elevator, which may stop and accept passengers at any moment. They relish the risk of being caught doing something "naughty" - they're kind of like people who like to have sex in public places, only in this case, a lot more pathetic. Then there are the people who simply enjoy pissing off everyone else by fouling their environment. Find out which category best fits you, and then please, for everyone's sake, take the stairs!


Dear Dr. Truth: I have recently developed an obsession with a certain music group which I have relentlessly mocked and ridiculed in the past. It has gotten so bad that I'm planning on driving 3 hours to see them in concert. Meanwhile, I continue to deny that I even like their music, to the point of mocking my best friend, who has bought one of their albums. I maintain to any and all that I'm seeing them out of morbid curiosity only. I can't believe what a hypocrite I've become. Is their any graceful way out of this situation?--Tony Two-Faced

Dear Tony: You're talking about the Spice Girls, aren't you? Don't worry, I won't make you answer, but it seems pretty obvious... Believe me, music taste is a personal thing, and you have no reason to hide your shame. People will respect you for coming clean and setting the record straight, and no longer will you have to hide that copy of "Spice Up Your Life" every time visitors drop by. Once the air is clear, may I suggest issuing a full apology to your friend--a nice gesture like buying him or her a steak dinner or a tasteful gift should do the trick. Give it a try!


Dear Dr. Truth: Last week while bowling I won a five dollar gift certificate good for more bowling. The friend I was with at the time took claim to half of the gift certificate, even though he had nothing to do with me winning it. He says that because I was with him at the time that I should spend it only when the two of us go bowling again, and that half of it should go toward his expenses. Is he right?--Bowled over by Greed in Southside

Dear Southside: He's laying claim to two dollars and fifty cents worth of free bowling which is rightfully yours? Is he familiar with the term "cheap, M.F'ing bastard?" If he isn't, might I suggest you introduce it to him, right before booting him out of your circle of friends?!


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