Ask Dr. Truth

by Hall Monitor staff psychologist Sherrie Truth

Dear Dr. Truth: I recently moved into an apartment which gives me an unavoidable view into this one woman's apartment. She reminds me of a blond Conchata Ferrell, that kind of loud, large-and-in-charge type. Morning, noon, and night her blinds (and usually her windows) are wide open, and if I happen to be out on the balcony or looking out my window I am forced to witness, and often hear, every move she makes. Entertaining friends, writing in her diary, giving herself a facial, trying on new clothes -- I've been there, and I'm sick of it! Sure, I'll open my blinds and windows during the day, but when night rolls around they're closed so I can enjoy a little privacy. Why does this woman feel the need to display herself in this manner, and what can I do to stop it? - Unwilling Voyeur

Dear Unwilling: Well, as far as I know, what this woman is doing isn't illegal. Simply keeping your blinds and windows open while you go about your life doesn't break any laws, as long as nothing "dirty" happens that people can see, and from what you've written, this is the case here. I must say, though, that I understand your contempt for someone who feels like their life deserves to be on display for the whole world to see. Who cares what this woman is up to? No one except her and her huge ego! My advice is to frighten her into stopping. Begin by leaving anonymous letters of admiration on her door -- "I've been watching you constantly..." and stuff like that. If she still doesn't close her blinds, gradually make the letters more threatening. After a couple of weeks, if she still insists on making her life a piece of performance art, send her the pièce de résistence: buy the head of any large animal (cow, pig, goat) at the butcher and send it to her in the mail, ornately gift wrapped, with a card saying, "I'm still watching you!" This is bound to get her to close up her shades or maybe even move.

Dear Dr. Truth: I recently retired and have enjoyed spending the start of spring tending to my lawn and garden. Recently, while I was spraying my lawn with deadly insecticide, I was startled by the laughter of my neighbor's three young children (ages three to six). As I turned to see what was going on, I inadvertently and heavily doused them with the toxic chemicals. They immediately began gagging and their skin turned bright purple. (Luckily I was wearing rubber gloves and a face guard and was unharmed.) I was horrified at what I had done, and when their mother came running out to see what had happened, I lied and told her I had accidentally sprayed them with harmless fertilizer. I even tried to crack a joke about how much they would grow. She bought the story, but now I feel terrible. Clearly the children should have received medical attention, but I was too embarrassed to admit what I had done, and now I've started worrying about long term side effects. What should I do, Doctor? --Victory Gardener in New Haven

Dear Vic: Unfortunately I can't make the hands of time move backwards, so you're going to have to live with what you've done, but my advice is to not beat yourself up about it. Since you didn't mention any of the children dying, you're in the clear for now. As for long term side effects, well, by the time they reach the age where any side effects will show up, either in them or their children, you will most likely be long dead. If they happen to make the connection to your spraying them (which is a very long shot), their only option will be to sue the chemical company which made the insecticide. So go ahead and enjoy what's left of your life!

Dear Dr. Truth: I was in a meeting recently when I was horrified to notice I was emitting a rather pungent smell from my crotch. I was careful the next day to scrub and cleanse, but the smell was still there. This is the sort of smell I've always associated with much older men, or men who don't take the time to practice good personal hygiene, and I can't believe that it's happening to me. Nothing I try seems to work! -- Letting It All Air Out in Eau Claire

Dear Airi: Having the scientific background I do, I recognize that humans are just like any other animal, and regardless of what we may wish to think, we still respond to good old fashioned pheromones like any other moth, rat, or monkey. That's why you're experiencing these smells in the first place. We humans have done a pretty good job of covering up these smells with expensive perfumes and deodorants, but apparently your hormones are working overtime and are resisting the Irish Spring you shower with every morning. Here are your options: Either continue to try to cover up the smell (and since soap and water aren't working, may I suggest slathering your bits and pieces with a coating of Dry Idea before heading to the office?), or let nature work its magic. Who knows, the latter might prove beneficial. Pheromones are there for a reason, and I have a feeling that high-powered co-worker in the tight skirt you've had you eye on just might agree to go out with you if you let the smell cast its spell!

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