The 
amilton Club Jokes Page
The amilton Club Jokes PageMOTH FARTS
Question: Do you know how to tell when a moth farts?Answer: He flys in a straight line!
Thanks to George Carlin
ONE DOZEN CONDEMS
A distinguished looking older gentleman buys a dozen condems every week.Finally the druggist can't stand it any longer and says, "My, you must have quite a libido for a man your age to need that many prophylactics."
"Sex has nothing to do with it. I feed these to my poodle and she poops in little plastic bags."
George Carlin says he mixes rubber bands with his dogs food and it comes out with little handles. It makes it easier to pickup and he can just fling it into the neighbor's yard. "Look out, here it comes! Flying lawn food."
VOW OF SILENCE
A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He is allowed to say two words every seven years.After the first seven years he is called to the abbots office. "Well," says the abbot, "How are things going?"
"Bed hard!" replies the monk and returns to his room.
Seven more years pass and the monk visits the abbot again. "Food bad!" says the monk and returns to his cell.
Another seven years go by and the monk goes to see the abbot. "I quit!" says the monk.
"It figures," says the abbot. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
THE PICCOLO PLAYER
Moishe sees his old friend, Aaron, on the street in Manhattan."Hey, Aaron, how are you doing? Long time, no see! Are you still on tour with the World Symphony Orchestra?"
"Yeah, me and my damn piccolo," says Aaron.
"What's the matter? I thought you loved your piccolo?"
"Let me tell you what happened. We played for the premier of Egypt. He loved us. He said fill up their instruments with silver. The tuba player made out and the saxaphone player made out but me I got that damn piccolo."
"Then we went to England and played for the queen. She loved us. She said fill up their instruments with gold. The tuba player made out and the saxaphone player made out but me I got that damn piccolo."
"Then we went to Cuba and we played for Castro. He hated us! He said shove their instruments up their asses! The tuba wouldn't fit and the saxaphone wouldn't fit but me, I got that damn piccolo!"
JOHN GOT SUNBURNED
While on vacation, John managed to get a nasty sunburn and ended up in the hospital. The doctor told the nurse, "Make sure Mr. Kaiser gets viagara every four hours.""What good will that do him?" asked the nurse.
"Well," said the doctor "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
A FANCY RESTAURANT
We went to dinner at a very classy restaurant while we were on vacation and the head waiter wouldn't let me in without a tie. I went out and rummaged around in the car but all I could find was a set of jumper cables. I put them around my neck and went back in the restaurant."All right," said the waiter "But you'd better not try and start anything."
KILLING OFF BRAIN CELLS
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcoholic beverage eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
So that's why you always feel smarter, stronger and faster after a few beers.
COWBOY AND HIS HORSE
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a prostitute. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with another prostitute. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! P-O-S-S-E! Go get the POSSE, damn it!"
SIGNING UP FOR SOCIAL SECURITY
John drove up to Corning to sign up for Social Security. The clerk asked to see his birth certificate."Nobody said anything about bringing a birth certificate," moaned John thinking he would have to make another trip.
"Well, I need some proof of your age," she said.
John proceeded to unbutton his shirt. "Look at all the gray hairs on my chest," he said.
"Okay, I'll accept that," said the clerk.
When he arrived home he told Lida what had happened. "Too bad you didn't drop your trousers. They'd have given you total disability," was her comment.
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