The Big Winner
Marilyn
Musgrave has got to thank her lucky stars and the movers and shakers at UNC
every day she sits in the House of Representatives. You see the voters of Northern Colorado wouldn’t have sent such a
fundamentalist screwhead to congress if it weren’t for the fact that Kay Norton
didn’t run for the seat. Kay was a
well-known, reasonably well liked and well connected lawyer for Monfort Red
Meat as well as a respected member of the administration at UNC. She was thinking about running for Rep. Bob Schaffer’s seat in ’02.
Musgrave, an obscure God, Guns, Gays, and Abortion state representative
from the boonies east of Greeley also wanted the seat. What to do?
Kay would’ve been a shoe-in for the nomination with moderate
Republicans, but gotten slaughtered against the strong Democratic candidate
since she was too liberal to draw a large contingent of the fundamentalist
screwheads the Party has come to depend on to win elections.
Things got fixed. Through the magic workings of the party mechanism Bill Hogue, the president of the Daniels Fund, grudgingly stepped down so that Hank Brown, then president of UNC, could have a place to go. Then against all odds and the recommendation of a presidential search committee, Pamilyn Kay Norton was appointed president of the University of Northern Colorado. Kay got a new job to keep her busy and Marilyn, known to her colleagues as “the joke of Washington,” got the opportunity to show the rest of the country that Colorado has enough fag hating bible thumpers to elect an ultra-conservative fag hating bible thumper to national office. And the Republican Party was going to quit pulling backroom crap after Watergate.
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Money
for Nothing
The
Student Representative Council has decided to change the name of the process by
which they dole out student fees. The
Student Fee Allocation Process (SFAP), as it was called is now the Student Fee
Dictation Day (SFDD). SRC decided that
all of the committees and input and listening to people fight over why their
groups needed more money was far more time consuming and troublesome than just
making the decision themselves. At least
it removes any appearance of a conflict of interest as SRC analyzes and recommends
its own budget allocation out of the student fees. No, wait… never mind.
SRC has
over 4 million dollars of student money and now they will put it wherever they
want. Some people think that a bunch of
frat boys who are almost all from the same frat will be biased in deciding
where the money goes. To allay this
fear, SRC has been generous enough to give the students AN opportunity to voice
their opinions. They will post a notice
the day before a meeting that they have scheduled at a time that not even all
of them can make it to, and expect you to be there. If you can’t make it, too bad, that’s your
fault for being apathetic. People simply
don’t understand what a pain in the ass the old process was. Now SRC can make the decision in a day instead
of over 3 months and the budget meetings back at the frat will be a blast
instead of the hours-long sessions from the past. This will give SRC more time to serve the
student body by. . .um . . .well . . . running for reelection? Let’s hope not. SRC, you are only representative if you know
the will of those you represent.
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George Lucas, Eat Your Heart Out
Watching Colorado’s representatives in the US
Congress is like seeing the worst remake of Star Wars ever. First there’s Scott McInnis who keeps
proposing we stop forest fires by chopping down all the trees. I know the movie starts on a desert planet,
but do we need to stay that faithful to the story line? Beauprez, Hefley and Tancredo do their best
to stand around like storm troopers, looking menacing. Finally there’s Musgrave. I don’t know if anybody’s noticed yet but our
Marilyn has sported a Darth Vader helmet as long as I can remember. Granted there’s no face mask and the only
time you’ll hear that scary hoarse breathing might be after a particularly
strenuous session of congressional tae-bo but if you follow the policy flowing
from this woman, the resemblance is complete.
So, who are our Luke and Leia in this story? Who is going to save us from the imperial
fleet? Mark Udall and Diane DeGette.
Somebody needs to call casting.
This makes me wanna…
By Junius Puke
I’m
appalled at all of the publicity surrounding my involvement with this
publication. Every story I read compares
me to some guy named Junius Peake. Who
the hell is that? I checked his bio and
frankly I’m insulted. There may be some
resemblance around the face but geez the guy is old. He’s got to be at least ten years older than
me and more likely twenty. From all
accounts he’s short too, and while I may not be a basketball player at least I
can get jars from the top shelf in the pantry.
Don’t even get me started on his politics. Can you believe he actually advocates getting
rid of the 17th amendment? I
may not be very liberal, but next to this guy I might as well be Noam Chomsky.
And another thing, while I may hold a
university position, I certainly don’t teach any classes. I have to hand it to the guy for making the
effort there. I simply don’t have the
qualifications to teach at the college level.
Those kids are sharp and unless you have the skills as well as the
knowledge, they’ll rip you apart. Maybe
I publish some articles here and there to keep my hand in, but I can’t keep up
with this next generation. I just show
up every day, sit in my office, and then collect my check once a month. So stop with this Peake thing already. If you all have to maintain that I’m really somebody
else, at least pick somebody cool.
