Party Lines

Usually student governments aren’t affiliated with any political party and don’t follow a political ideology. This makes sense because usually the student government is the first experience these budding politicians have as elected representatives and they take it seriously. So does that make our current crop of wannabe hacks precocious? Not that they are pursuing some political agenda, though most of these boys happen to be Republicans. It’s that they tend to vote along party lines. All in favor of tapping the other keg? Aye. All opposed? Silence except for the stifled laughter of the dark-skinned fellow in the corner.

That’s not to say that chronic alcoholism is the only thing they’ve managed to pick up from the pros. Our student representative council has already managed to get down that most tricky of political maneuvers: the big, throbbing, glaring, conflict of interest. See, the fact that this new fee process has had all that democracy and student participation crap streamlined right out of it puts those good old boys on SRC solely in charge of allocating the student fee budget. What’s the second largest allocation out of the student fee budget? SRC’s.

I had a dog once that figured out how to get into the bag of dog food on his own. He got real fat, real sick, and then he died. Eat hearty SRC.

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SRC Anonymous

The blond one came in his uniform and is trying desperately to agree with everyone in the room, too bad he isn’t entirely sure what they’re talking about. Over in the corner, a guy’s vomiting loudly- don’t worry, he’s ok to drive. A swarthy gentleman lurks in the background and occasionally makes incoherent noises that the rest pay no attention to. Two others look like a close couple, with matching haircuts though in the Oreo style- dark on white. They’re laughing, taking bets on whether the last guy is going to be able to fit into his chair. It’s another smoke-filled night at SRC anonymous. They’re trying to kick a rather ingrained habit of doing absolutely nothing. The usual strategy of imbibing mind-blowing amounts of alcohol is having mixed results. In order to fill the enormous void in their lives, some would turn to religion, others to violence. These guys are putting their money toward administrative minutiae and wholly unnecessary renovation projects. I would say they should follow the way of the sloth and make inaction a virtue before they get themselves into real trouble.

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Tanning Beds for SRC

SRC has tried very hard to get a diverse council this year. After the appointment of an all male, all white council (ignoring the half a Hawaiian that ran unopposed), they made a token nod towards diversity that would make W proud. They found a female, African American student for AA/EO. Nice cover up. Just watch that bite them in the ass when she turns out to have a mind of her own. Plus, they want to help those poor, scattered cultural centers by putting them all together in one nice big building everyone can ignore. Now, I have another idea for increasing the amount of color on council. Tanning beds. Yes, that’s right. SRC can tan their way to diversity. Plus, I guess they already have an android on council. It’s the only reason for Trustee Taylor’s “’Ja, mein Fuhrer!’ error, that’s the German craftsmanship talking, I mean ‘Yes Dick’” response at every Board meeting. Still don’t believe me? Watch him dance. By the way Jory, being a rich dentist’s son gives you status as a first generation student for the McNair program? Like an albino at the Apollo theatre, you stand out.

--Damien Knight

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McO’Donnell’s

Just off of the student activities area in the UC is a wonderful place for the whole family. It’s a playplace for the white and well-heeled with rides for those that want to get in on some blatant nepotism with fries and a big sweaty toy that encourages you to join a hiring committee. Holding a drink, short, cute Hamburglar greets you wearing one of those chic blue shirts with a white collar. He’s going to grow up and be a corporate Hamburglar if he can get re-elected and not go to real jail.

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This makes me wanna

By Junius Puke

I must admit, this issue has been the hardest to write of any of the Howling Pig issues to date. Usually I just read about what certain people are doing or have done, and the rage boils out onto the paper. But how does one do this with an organization that can be credited with nothing? SRC doesn’t do anything, so what is there to be angry about? It was really hard to make a whole issue out of virtually nothing. I feel it necessary, however, to give credit where credit is due. In doing nothing, SRC has failed to do something about a myriad of different things this year. SRC’s silence on issues ranging from cultural center consolidation to the runaway tuition hikes, from the lack of student representation on Charting the Future to playing the yes-man to the Board of Trustees ought to prove to the average student that the people representing them have no clue what is important. If I were being represented by these numbskulls, I would go and ask them why my student fees went up from $761.13 last year to $817.22 this year. That is a 7.3% increase. The maximum increase allowed by last year’s SRC was 1.9%. What do they do in that office anyway? How much do they pay for it? Better, how much do the students pay for them to get a full scholarship, a personal computer and the biggest office in the university center? Is it worth it?

~Jay