The Howling Pig

The Plan

It’s the best election strategy ever, better than Nixon’s Southern Strategy of the early ‘70s. If George Bush catches on to this, he’ll be a landslide winner in November. Simply put the idea is to elect hot chicks. Yep, that’s the grand plan of the current regime for the upcoming SRC election. Part of that strategy I heard was hiring cute, smart, female associate vice presidents this year in order to tie up the smart girl and oversexed guy votes come election time. What a strange self-centered world these boys live in that they think anybody cares. Must be a Greek thing.

Speaking of Greeks and nepotism, we’ve gotten to see some sweet action recently. The Greek advisor was appointed to the election grievance committee, despite allegations that she influenced the last election in favor of the current, mostly frat council. Then in another move to solidify the hot chick plan, a sorority candidate was appointed to the vacant vice president spot over other apparently more qualified candidates.

The Greek system is advertised as a way to gain a lifelong system of connections, something like a good old boy affirmative action program. Normally it doesn’t kick in until after graduation, but it’s good to see that despite having limited power and influence the student government is providing such an immediate example of the advantages of going Greek. If anybody were paying attention, there’d be a record rush this year.

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UNC Should Have More Sex Scandals

The mounting criticism for CU Boulder over their athletic recruiting leaves a really big question hanging. “They get booze and hookers in Boulder?” The recent party busts show that Greeley doesn’t lack for liquor, but UNC sure as hell didn’t pick up the tab- and those keg cups are expensive.

The sex isn’t spectacular either, and certainly not what one would call scandalous. Even our athletic department isn’t coming up with anything sexy, despite being directed by a guy named Phall… uhh… Fallis. What would Freud say?

The closest thing we can get to scandal is a couple of guys getting sweaty on the couch at a theater party. Big deal. What gives me nightmares is the fact that Marilyn Musgrave has four kids. That means that some poor sucker had to perform that pilgrimage at least four times. I assume they went with the missionary position.

I’d take some hot lesbian action over that any day. SRC doesn’t know what it’s missing out on since they’re considering cutting GLBT this budget session.

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Cash Poor

There’s a siniister thing going on in the legislature these days. The prevailing wisdom is that if something doesn’t change soon, public universities in Colorado will pretty much be privatized within ten years. That translates into much higher tuition, less financial aid and fewer opportunities for anybody to go to college.

So far the debbate has tried to pit higher education against kindergarten through 12^th grades, trying to say that the only way to fund college is to rip off grade school. That’s bunk. Some day our legislators will figure out that funding education is always a good idea, but until that time it would be a good idea to occasionally thump your elected officials upside the head and say “Hey Festus, this ain’t Georgia. Give the kids some money so I don’t have to deal with all these stump dumb, unemployed assholes.”

Good thing for the students, universities are pulling for measures that will increase funding, not by getting more state dollars but instead finding ways to wildly increase tuition. It’ll be great when UNC changes its slogan from “Colorado’s Best University Experience” to “We’ve Upped Our Tuition, so Up Yours.”

Farewell Puke

Our infamous editor-in-chief Junius Puke has been reported missing and presumed dead after a three week trip to Florida scouting locations for a proposed Girls Gone Wild Piggystyle video that was slated to start shooting in mid-March. Puke, long an admirer of Snoop Dogg’s work as well as the Girls Gone Wild franchise, had recently become rather unhealthily obsessed with the finance system surrounding the exchange of tits for beads. His last submission to the Int’l Economics Review was entitled “Shiny Beads and Boobies, Market Prospects Turgid or Flaccid?” Most disturbing was his more and more frequent habit of wandering the campus in a drunken haze, draped in cheap baubles screaming, “show me your tits!” and urinating in drinking fountains.

The staff of The Howling Pig proposed his trip in hopes that Junius would either satisfy his urge or give us time to find a suitable replacement editor. His apparent death from an attack of enormous, surgically enhanced breasts (the body has not yet been recovered) relieves a certain burden from the Pig. We can only hope to find a person worthy to fill the demanding position. Until then, we must carry on Pukeless.