Biography Presents... Ryoko: Behind the Demon

*In a dimly lit room, we see young Tenchi Masaki sitting in a plush La-Z-Boy recliner. He is wearing a red smoking jacket and has a small pipe in his hand*

Tenchi: Hello viewers, and welcome to Tenchi Masaki's Biography. I am Tenchi Masaki. *blows a few bubbles through his pipe* Today, Biography is taking a closer look at the life of that infamous space pirate, Ryoko Hakubi. So, join me... as we explore the meteoric rise and crushing fall of this devilish diva in Ryoko: Behind the Demon.

*fade out on Tenchi*

Narrator: Like many women of the time, Ryoko was born 7000 years ago in a test tube. Speaking on Ryoko's childhood is mother, Washu Hakubi.

Washu: Well, right from the get go, I knew Ryoko was going to be a big star. After all, she is my daughter. *grins*

Narrator: During Ryoko's childhood, where was her father?

Washu: You mean the Mass? I kept it in a glass tank.

Narrator: Ryoko was plagued by the domestic abuse at home...

Washu: Wait a sec... there wasn't any domestic abuse.

Narrator: Well, you kept your husband locked up in a tank, did you not?

Washu: But I wasn't married at the time...

Narrator: Ah, so Ryoko was born to unwed, abusive parents.

Washu: Grr... stop twisting my words around!

Narrator: Despite a somewhat rocky childhood, Ryoko was already showing signs of stardom by the the time she was an adolescent. Speaking on Ryoko's teenage years, Hubert Montahue, her high school English teacher.

Mr. M: Well, Ryoko hasn't always gotten the best marks in her writing abilities, but what she lacked in eloquence, she made up by blowing things up. I tell you, that girl could demolish a wall like nobody's business.

Narrator: But not all was fun and games at the Hakubi residence. When she was only the tender age of 2000, Ryoko's mother was taken away from her, imprisoned by the scientist Kagato, who also took Ryoko as his slave.

Kagato: Yeah, well Ryoko was more than a slave. In some ways, she was like a daughter to me; a daughter that I kept brainwashed and locked up for most of the day. But she never calls anymore! She's drifted away from me... ever since... ever since Tenchi killed me. Is that any reason to stop talking to your adopted father?

Narrator: Excuse me for intruding, Mr. Kagato, but if you're dead, then how is it that you're here taking part in this interview now?

Kagato: Uh... I think my souffle is done. Gotta go! *runs away*

Narrator: With Kagato at her side, Ryoko had risen to the ranks of superstardom in the pirating community. Her presence was feared all over the galaxy. Unfortunately, the relationship soon fell apart, and with it, her dreams of being famous. And just when it looked like things couldn't get any worse, they got... um, worse.

Katsuhito: Yeah, I imprisoned Ryoko in the cave. Let's face it. She was out of control. We tried to do an intervention first. We said, 'Ryoko, you have to stop trying to destroy our planet,' but she wouldn't have any of it. I guess... it was a last ditch effort, but hey, she hasn't killed anyone in over 700 years, so we must be doing something right, eh?

Narrator: But then, a beacon of light hit. A shing ray of hope shined on Ryoko's life when she was revived from her imprisonment and finally met her one true love, Noboyuki Masaki.

Noboyuki: Oh, it was love at first sight with me and Ryoko. From the first time she caught me peaking at her in the onsen, she wouldn't let me out of her sight. At first, I tried to push my son Tenchi to strike it with Ryoko. I'm actually grateful that he became an ordained priest and took that oath of celibacy, because if he didn't, Ryoko and I might not have become as close as we are.

Tenchi: *blows some more bubbles out of his pipe* Don't act so surprised. What other explanation could there be for me living in a house full of beautiful girls all trying to get in my pants and being able to control myself?

Narrator: And so it came to be that Ryoko moved in with her true love Noboyuki and his family. Many other young women also came to live in the house with Ryoko such as Ayeka, the first-crowned princess of Jurai.

Ayeka: What did I think of Ryoko? Well, she was always leaving the tops off of the food jars. Also, there was that time she used my toothbrush without my asking. Although, I will say that she did help me with that eating disorder I had...

Narrator: After living in the Masaki household for a while, she was approached by television executives. Their idea? A television show all about Ryoko's life. It's name? Ryoko Muyo!

Tenchi: Of course I was against the name of the show. I mean, it did take place in my house, so I naturally thought we should change the name to Tenchi Muyo! Bribing some of the higher-ups didn't hurt either. The compromise was that the Tenchi on the show should have some kind of romantic entanglement with the girls on the show. They thought that might make things more interesting, so I reluctantly agreed.

Narrator: And so, in the early 1990s, Tenchi Muyo! first aired to rave reviews. Ryoko was once again on the top of her game, and the once beaten down space pirate had made a miraculous comeback. On screen, she was a star... but behind the scenes, she was falling apart.

Sasami: Once, Ryoko didn't come out of her trailor for three straight days! I think she was drinking again. Or maybe she was counting her money. Or maybe she was drinking AND counting her money. I tried to tell her to stop, but she wouldn't listen to me.

Kagato: It was interesting getting to work with Ryoko again. After all, I hadn't seen her for so very long, and we didn't exactly part on good terms.

Narrator: Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Kagato: Uhh... I forgot to floss this morning! Gotta run. *dashes off*

Narrator: Ryoko's drinking was getting out of control. Sometimes it took several hours just to finish one scene on the show because of the constant
5-minute sake breaks. It even was starting to take its toll on Ryoko's love life.

Noboyuki: I hated to admit it, but I was losing interest in Ryoko physically... she was never up to it anymore, and when she WAS up to it, well... it wasn't very good. Plus, I don't think she liked the fact that I spent all of her money.

Narrator: In fact, Noboyuki's dangerous gambling addiction had dwindled away Ryoko's money to nothing. What little money he didn't take was spent on booze.

Mihoshi: Now, even if I hadn't gotten my MD from Harvard Medical, I still could've told you without hesitation that Ryoko was destroying her body. She had the kidneys the size of cantaloupes. So, we tried to intervene.

Narrator: One faithful day, Ryoko had stumbled into the studio naked.

Ayeka: She had a bottle of sake in one hand, and her breath smelled of vomit. It was horrid. Plus, it looked like she hadn't bathed in at least a day or two.

Narrator: Ryoko verbally berated many of her fellow cast members and other people who worked on the show.

Katsuhito: It got very bad, so I decided to use a prop bokken from the set to knock her out. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Narrator: After Ryoko awoke from her one month long coma, she found herself in a rehabilitation center for alcoholics. With the support of her friends, she agreed to stay at the center until she could get over her problem. They allowed her to leave the center to film episodes of a follow up TV show to Tenchi Muyo! called Tenchi Universe.

Mihoshi: I was quite proud of Ryoko. She recovered at a phenominal rate considering how much alcohol she was consuming at the time they brought her in.

Narrator: Ryoko's renewed spirit shined loud and clear on the camera. Tenchi Universe became a huge smash. It looked like Ryoko Hakubi was on top of her game again, and there was no stopping her. ...or was there?

Tenchi: Yeah, Dad somehow convinced Ryoko into sinking all of her money into this new show for the series called "Shin Tenchi Muyo!" I told her it was a bad idea, and my advisor agreed with me. Ryoko was all like, "Oh, like the word of your 'advisor' is so great. Who does he think he is, the pope?" And I said, "Yeah, he is."

Narrator: But Ryoko didn't listen. She had enough money to get the show off the ground, but she thought she could cut corners on the writing staff.

Washu: Yeah, the writers were all drunk. And I mean all the time. Some of the stuff they had us do and say didn't make any sense at all. It was bizarre.

Narrator: Needless to say, the show wasn't very well received by the hardcore fans of the show.

Roger Ebert: I've seen a lot of things in my day... but I never thought I'd see a TV show that both sucks AND blows.

Noboyuki: We were broke... again. So, we had to sell the yacht and most of our luxury items. I took up my old profession of architecture to help make ends meet.

Narrator: But not all was lost for Ryoko. During her fall from fame, she had much time to reflect. She said this was when she "saw the light of God". Listening to the word of the Lord helped her get her priorities straight, says Ryoko. Now, she is a devout Jehovah's Witness, doing what she calls her most fulfilling work of her life, giving out pamphlets door-to-door.

Ryoko: Hello, Mr. Narrator. Have you let the Lord into your life?

Narrator: Err... maybe. Tell me, Ryoko. How is your life now?

Ryoko: Oh, it's very rewarding.

Narrator: So, have you converted anybody yet?

Ryoko: Well... no. But I did get a good feeling from this one guy! He said he'd "think about it". And well, I have my fingers crossed.

Tenchi: *blows yet more bubbles* And there you have it. The rise, fall, rise, fall, rise, fall, and rise of one of the greatest demons of our day. Ryoko and Noboyuki have a bright future ahead of them, it seems, and we wish them the best. For Biography, this is Tenchi Masaki saying, goodnight.

I don't own Biography... so pfft on you! Don't sue me, puh-lease!