TITLE SCREEN
The Council of Bishounen is Proud to Present...
BANJO MUSIC
Plunkity twang twang plunk.
TITLE SCREEN
The Bishoujo Bride
SAM VOICEOVER
Cough cough.
VIDEO GAME
The challenger has fallen, but the soul still burns!
Ha! Eat that, Voldo!
Hello, little Sammikins! Are we feeling better?
Yes, Aunt Faye.
Good! Your uncle, no relation to me, is here to see you.
Aww, can't you tell him I'm sick?
That's why he's here.
He always preys on the weak and defenseless.
Nani?
He'll make fun of my height. I hate that.
Maybe he won't this time.
Hey, how's the shorty?
{glarity glare glare scowl}
I'll leave you two alone.
Aunt Faye, where are you going with my piggy bank?
Oh, hahahahaha! I was just going to dust it.
...
Hey kid, I brought you a present.
This isn't another little green man keychain, is it?
Nope!
Or another "My uncle's lover was kidnapped multiple times by aliens or possibly the federal government and impregnated (though not by him, at least not that time) and experimented on, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" T-shirt? I have four of those already.
Nope! Open it up.
This had better not be another exploding package.
Of course it's not!
Why don't you open it, just to be safe.
Fine. {rippity rip rip}
Hey, a book! Is that the latest edition of Hatcher's algebraic topology?
Um, no. It's called "The Bishoujo Bride."
Oh.
When I was sick, my father used to read it to me. When his father was sick, his father used to read it to him--at least, after he was kidnapped by the aliens who dicated it verbatim into his psyche. It wasn't actually written down until just recently. And now, I'm going to read it to you.
Um. Oh my gosh, I think my, er, spleens just burst.
Your spleens?
Yes, all three of them. Can I go now? I think I need prompt medical attention.
Not so fast! I'm sure you'll feel better after a good story. This one has fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, generators, ringwraiths, chases, escapes, true love, false love, love that would have been true love if we had had enough female actors, guymelefs, nuclear weaponry, artificial intelligence, miracles...
And?
And one young lad who will get nothing but grainy photos of Nessie for Christmas unless he lets his uncle read a chapter in peace.
{sigh} All right, one chapter. I'll try to stay alive.
Good! "The Bishoujo Bride," by T. Plinkhtlatvlex Hraxmexter of the planet Vlorkionitis. Chapter 1.
MULDER VOICEVER
Once upon a time, there was a farm. And on that farm, there lived a bishoujo. E-I-E-I-O!
Ho hum, I think I'll ride my horsie and torment the farm boy!
Hm, chopping wood with Narsil is rather difficult.
Farm boy! Polish my horsie's saddle!
What am I, your slave?
Yes.
Oh. As you wish.
MULDER VOICEOVER
One day, she made a discovery that changed their lives forever.
La de da...hey, there's a Farm Boy Decoder Ring in the bottom of my Bishoujo Toasty-O's Breakfast Cereal! Let's see...{gasp} "As You Wish" means "I Love You"!
Boy, it's really hard to thresh grain with Narsil!
Farm boy, could you fetch me this letter--oh drat, it fell into my bodice.
As you wish, heh heh...
SAM VOICEOVER
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
What?
You didn't tell me about any of this stuff! Is this a hentai book?
Someday you may not mind that so much.
AUNT FAYE! UNCLE MULDER'S TRYING TO EXPOSE ME TO PORNOGRAPHIC MATERI--mmph!
Quiet down! I'll skip the naughty parts if they bother you. Happy?
No.
The rest is much better, I promise.
{sulk}
Hey, let's keep going, okay?
Please continue, O Corrupter of Youth.
Right.
MULDER VOICEOVER
Westagorn had no money for marriage, so he went off to sea. He was allegedly murdered by pirates. Buttercupwen wasn't happy, and for days she neither slept nor ate.
Nobody makes decent lembas around here.
MULDER VOICEOVER
A few weeks later, the country of Yen was about to celebrate its 500th anniversary. The square was packed with people awaiting a speech by Prince Humpersparrow.
Greetings, folks. I like women, so I'm taking a bride. Want to see her?
CROWD
Eh, what the heck.
Behold, Princess Buttercupwen!
...
CROWD
She's purty.
MULDER VOICEOVER
Buttercupwen still wasn't happy, so she rode her horsie a long way from the castle.
Hey, three suspicious-looking people! I think I'll get closer.
Excuse me, lady, we are three lost circus performers.
Circus performers? What kind of a story is that?
Shut up, moron!
Is there a town or something nearby, maybe with a phone and a beauty parlor?
What's the matter, don't you think the leafy-haired look suits you? Teehee!
All right, drop her.
Grrrrr--
--raaaaaaah! {thunk}
Ow.
That's gonna leave a mark. I like it.
...
SCENE CHANGE
Look, we're by a boat now!
What are you ripping?
Fabric from the uniform of a soldier of Euro.
Who's Euro?
The country across the sea, the sworn enemy of Yen. We're starting a war, boys.
Why not attack the capitol of Yen while screaming the Euro national anthem? We could burn lots of buildings, too. Hehehe.
Because we're supposed to be Machiavellian plotters, not suicidal psychotics.
This "plotting" stuff sounds too much like pacifism.
Think with me here. We want Prince Humpersparrow to think the Euro peons have abducted his princess. When he finds her dead on the Euro plains, his suspicions will be totally confirmed, and he'll declare war. It's a tradeoff: less blood now for more later.
I don't think it's right, just killing an innocent girl like this.
Am I going mad, or did the word "think" escape your lips?
No, you're not mad. I'm just saying we should boink her first, is all.
...
You're twisted.
What? Aren't you male? Don't you have eyes?
SAM VOICEOVER
Uncle Mulder....
MULDER VOICEOVER
Right, sorry. Let's skip ahead a little.
...and that's why you're both dumb, irresponsible, and less pretty than me.
WHAT! Why you pointy-eared, pansy-faced, nancy-walking--
Not now, Inilandau!
Right, right. That Vizzinolas, he can...fuss.
Uh, yeah, I think that's what we we're talking about.
About, about...I'd like to hit him, with a...trout!
Ah, I don't know where you'd get a trout, but I guess that's a, um, good goal...*cough*
Goal, goal...maybe I'll impale him on a pole!
Don't you think this is getting a little violent, now?
You're right, Gawlzik, I'll just bludgeon him with a cow.
Er...oh wait, I see what you're doing!
Stop plotting my death in rhyme, you gits!
Hey, let's all look at--
MULDER VOICEOVER
Oookay, time for a scene change.
SAM VOICEOVER
Thank you!
MULDER VOICEOVER
It's now the middle of the night, and they're sailing in a boat.
SAM VOICEOVER
Is this where they all live happily ever after?
MULDER VOICEOVER
Shush.
Are you sure nobody's following us?
Our dialogue is a little difficult to understand.
No no, I mean following our boat.
There's someone following our boat?
That's what I'm asking you!
Why are you asking me? You're closer to the stern.
But you're the elf with good eyesight!
Oh, fine. Gawlzik, I'm going to look around. Keep your eyes on the princess.
Hehehehe.
Eyes! Eyes!
Aww...
Pervert!
Let's see...nope.
Nobody out there?
Nobody but the masked guy in the skimmer a nautical mile or so behind us.
That's good, I was afraid we were being followed.
SOUND EFFECTS DEPARTMENT
Splash!
Wha...Gawlzik, you moron, what are you doing in the water?
{gasp} Princess...pushed...
You idiot, why did you push the princess overboard?
{paddle paddle} Not me...she...
Gawaaaaaah!
SOUND EFFECTS DEPARTMENT
Splash!
Inilandau you great buffoon, Gawlzik can swim! Why are you jumping in to rescue him?
{gasp} No! Wouldn't rescue him...if he were the last...
Ieeeeeeeeee!
SOUND EFFECTS DEPARTMENT
Splash!
{blub} No! My beautiful hair!
Meddle not in the affairs of elf princesses!
Waaaaaait a minute, why is she up there when we're down here? {blub}
I'll give you three guesses, and they all involve me dousing you with napalm and running you up a flagpole.
Vizzinolas' Villains: we take the 'mind' out of "mastermind". {paddle paddle}
I'm sailing back to Yen. So long, suckers!
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
SOUND EFFECTS DEPARTMENT
Screee. Screee. Screee.
{paddle paddle} Do you know what that sound is, highness? It's the sound of the shrieking IFF torpedoes. They seek out unregistered ships like ours and explode on contact. {paddle paddle} They resonate with Gawlzik's generator core, so we were safe when he was on board...but now that you're all alone, you're fodder for their explosive fury.
...
Let us back on board now and I promise no harm will come to you.
*cough*
*snerk*
I doubt you'll get such an offer from the torpedoes.
Meep.
SOUND EFFECTS DEPARTMENT
Scree! Scree! Scree! Scree!
Buttercupwen isn't blasted into atoms by the Euro naval defenses at this time.
What?
I'm telling you that she survives. You looked worried.
I was enduring the subtle agony of toxic pathogens from my ruptured organs slowly making their way through my bloodstream and infecting all my other organs.
Oh you were, were you?
And I was wondering exactly how long Chapter 1 is, anyway.
Oh, heh heh...just a little longer.
Hey, did I hear screaming in here earlier?
Yes.
No.
Yes.
A little. Sam had some trouble with the story.
Neat, I didn't know you were reading a story!
What! What did you think he was doing here?
I don't know, maybe having a man-to-man talk with you or something. Whatever it is that men do.
The moment I want a man-to-utter-loon discussion I'll be sure to let you know. In the meantime--
Is there by chance a beautiful girl in this story who gets rich by her own wits and wiles?
Well, there is a common girl who's engaged to a prince...
Seducing royalty? I like it!
Please don't encourage him, Aunt Faye, he'll only read more.
You're welcome to listen in if you want to.
Ooh, yes!
Ooh, no.
I was just cooking some dinner, but I need to let it sit for a while. Let me get comfortable...
Great! Where were we?
MULDER VOICEOVER
Let's see...they're in the water, the torpedoes are after her, and at the last moment--
Up you come!
*gasp pant pant*
TORPEDO #1
Dash it all, and just when I thought we might have a decent bite of supper.
TORPEDO #2
Fear not, noble comrade, the good Two-Fin is having a special on plutonium margaritas at his bar this night!
TORPEDO #1
Verily, let us away!
SOUND EFFECTS DEPARTMENT
Screeeeee. Screeeeeee.
I suppose you think you're brave.
Of course!
Not you, her!
I hadn't really thought about it, but I do know that I'm prettier than you. The drowned rat look doesn't suit you at all. Teehee!
Grrrrrrrrr!!!
Hey, that guy in the skimmer is getting closer.
Do you think he's following us?
*ACHOO!* Ugh...I think I have pneumonia.
MULDER VOICEOVER
The next morning dawned clear, bright, and cheerful.
FAYE VOICEOVER
Hey, which of these guys is the prince?
Um...none of them. They kidnapped her.
So why isn't she seducing one of them to get away?
...
Well, um...the prince is coming to rescue her.
Aha, good for her! She's farther along with him than I thought. I can't wait to see what happens when they're reunited. Hello fireworks!
Ah...something like that.
MULDER VOICEOVER
As they reached their destination, all was not well.
SAM VOICEOVER
They hit a mine and all died?
MULDER VOICEOVER
No. They noticed that their tail had gotten closer.
Look at that, he's right on top of us!
'Sup, punks.
He's too late. See! The Cliffs of Insanity!
...
Um, is there a reason that the Cliffs of Insanity look like a carving of my face?
No, not at all. *cough*
Look, it's our secret harbor! ...but I don't see the elevator.
See that rope?
Oh, we pull on that to open the elevator doors?
...
No, dip, we climb the rope.
That doesn't sound so bad.
And you'll carry us.
Right after I grow a third arm and name it Lester!
Gawlzik, this is what I hired you for! You're strong, you're a generator, you can carry the three of us to the top of the cliff!
We're wasting time, he's getting closer.
Fine. But there had better be a lot of food at the top, otherwise I'll eat one of you. And the first one who starts to sing gets dropped.
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little la--mmph!
She doesn't count.
Fine, gag her then.
Up we go...
MULDER VOICEOVER
Time passed, and Gawlzik continued to climb the rope with his three passengers.
FAYE VOICEOVER
Vizzinolas sounds pretty cute. Why doesn't Buttercupwen have a fling with him?
One reason that comes to mind is that he intends to kill her.
So?
...
Well, you see, when a woman likes a man very much, but the man is plotting to end her life, there's this thing called "self-preservation" that tends to get in the way of any kind of romantic involvement--
Don't talk to me about prudence. What I mean is, why doesn't she sleep with him and incapacitate him while his guard is down?
Aunt Faye, I feel dirty.
Because the other two would be right there to stop her. And try not to say such things in the presence of the young.
Oh, right, the kid. Sorry, please continue.
MULDER VOICEOVER
Thank you. As they continued to climb, Vizzinolas looked down and made a disturbing discovery.
SAM VOICEOVER
Cliff-dwelling piranhas had eaten his legs?
MULDER VOICEOVER
No. The man in black was climbing the rope too.
...And he's getting closer!
Who's getting closer?
The man in black! Don't you pay attention to the voiceovers?
You know, maybe I could go as fast as he is if I weren't carrying FOUR PEOPLE!
...
Okay, I'll bite. I only count three.
There's you, the hot elf, Vizzinolas, and Vizzinolas' hair.
What are you talking about?
I'm counting by weight, not intelligence. Otherwise I'd only be carrying one and a half--
You know what? I don't pay you for this. I may just have to find myself a new generator.
Go right ahead. I'd be happy to wait right here until you do.
The man in black is getting awfully close...
Fine, we'll renegotiate your contract later. Just get us to the top of the cliff!
Okay, here we are!
That was fast.
Time to cut the rope, so that the man in black will fall and die a horrible death!
Can I kill him?
No, we're in too much of a hurry.
Awww...you never let me kill anything.
Grr...gnn...stupid steel cable. I can't cut this! Inilandau, you'll have to stay behind and kill him.
But you just said--
Never mind what I say! Do what I say!
...
INILANDAU THOUGHT BUBBLE
WTF???
...
Hmm...
kill = blood = good = happy.
Nyehahahahahaha!
Gawlzik, bring the princess and come with me. Inilandau, catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine; if not, the sword; if that doesn't work, the guymelef.
{singing} Blood and guts and bone and gore,
spleen and kidneys on the floor,
got to rip his chest apart
so birds of prey can eat his heart!
...
Right. We're going now. We're leaving VERY quickly.
So where should I catch up with--hello?
BIRD
Chirp. Chirp.
Oh. They're gone.
Unnnh...*gasp gasp*
So, I guess it's just us now.
Do you mind? Climbing this cable is hard work!
Sorry! Is there some way I can help?
Well, a good start would be to stop throwing knives at me!
Oh, my mistake, I didn't realize that was distracting you.
{BOOM} Wha...grenades aren't any better!
Sorry, I got bored.
If you're in such a hurry, you might see if there's a winch or something that can reel in this cable. It'll get me to the top faster.
I'll do that, but you may not want to accept my help. I'm only waiting around to kill you.
I sure didn't see that one coming. ...The shurikens must have distracted me.
Oh, hehe, sorry...I got bored again.
Look, go find a winch or something, will you?
Ooh, what does this lever do?
Yipe! {crash}
Hey, it worked!
Unnh...cliff burn...
If you want, we can wait to fight until you're ready. I hate to torture people who're distracted.
Thanks, I think.
Say, do you happen to have five fingers on your right hand?
Um...of course.
Aha! And is your name Van?
No, actually. Do you always begin introductions this way?
My face was mutilated by a five-fingered Van.
Here's my birth certificate, if you want to inspect it.
Fair enough.
So what's the story?
Sigh...long ago, I'd captured the Van and his guymelef, and he assaulted me when he made his escape.
Dreadful.
I tried to stop him and failed. He left me alive, but he gave me this. And this.
You do realize that's the same scar?
Yes. It's so especially heinous that I count it twice.
I see.
When I find the five-fingered Van again, I will say to him: Hello. My name is Inilandau Montoya. You marred my face. Prepare to die.
Won't he run you through in the time it takes you to say all that?
Hm...you have a point. I'll just crush him into bloody bits of carnage and gore, then lick the slivers of bone from my dripping crimson sword! Muwahahahahahaha!
That's...lovely. Shall we begin?
Wait, let me get ready.
But of course.
...
{twiddle twiddle}
...
SOUND EFFECTS DEPARTMENT
BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
What the...
Okay, let's go!
Sonofabiscuit.
Did I mention I can make this thing invisible, too? Ahahahahaha!
FAYE VOICEOVER
The cute psychotic guy doesn't die now, does he?
Well, he's in a giant invisible mecha suit armed with cannons that shoot liquid metal. I think it's safe to say that he's not in danger of immediate demise.
He has so much energy, I'd hate to see him go.
I wouldn't. Does the man in black die, at least?
Well, that's what you'll have to find out! Let's keep reading--
VOICE FROM OUTSIDE
Hello! Is anyone there? Someone ordered pizza, that they did!
Ooh, I've got to run down to get the pizza for dinner!
Aunt Faye, you said you were cooking dinner!
Eh, hahahahaha, I had just a teensy little accident, nothing serious, but I had to order in tonight. I'll have him bring it up so you can make sure it's a kind you like. Be right back! {slam}
It's just as well. I would never tell her, but one bite of the casserole she made last Thanksgiving killed your Aunt Scully's dog.
It nearly killed me too. I just hope she hasn't messed up the kitchen too badly, or Mom will have a fit when she gets home.
Where is your mother, anyway?
She said something about overthrowing the Jurai dynasty, or maybe marrying into it. I forget which.
Okay, here's dinner, Sam!
We have cheese and pepperoni for you, that we do!
Wow, that's a lot of pizza!
It's going to be hard to eat all that!
No problem, we can just put the rest in the refrigerator for later.
Oh, hahahaha, actually we can't do that...
...
Aunt Faye, what did you do to the refrigerator?
Nothing, nothing...say, Mr. Pizza Man, would you like to help us eat the pizza so it won't go bad?
Oro?
...
You can listen to the story, too.
Yes, please come into my room without my permission and stay as long as you like. I'll just stew in the corner here.
Oh, I love stories, that I do! What is this story about?
It's about a girl who's sleeping her way to the top of a kingdom.
Actually--
Is there an expert swordsman who uses his sword to protect others?
Well, there is one guy who's trying to rescue a princess from a band of outlaws.
Oh, I can't wait to see how he returns the land to the rightful rule of the kind and just prince, that I can not!
Um...we'll see how that turns out.
Will we? Chapter One is getting suspiciously long, Uncle Mulder.
MULDER VOICEOVER
In the next installment of the Council of Bishounen's The Bishoujo Bride, the lovers are reunited.
You're Dready-P Robb the rapper-pirate, admit it! Your cruelty and funkin' groove reveal everything!
Sea-bandit homies represent, yo.
I'll take that as a yes.
MULDER VOICEOVER
Eventually they're happy to see each other, but their joy is not shared by the entire cast.
Hold it, hold it, hold it! Why is she fraternizing with that unwashed lout when she can have the reigns to a kingdom?
Why is he trying to abduct the bride of another, while injustice runs rampant in the countryside?
Why haven't they all died yet?
MULDER VOICEOVER
Please join us soon for Part 2.
Have some more pizza, Sam.
Aunt Faye, you never did answer my question about the refrig--mmph! Mo mrr pizzmph! M'm fullmph!
MULDER VOICEOVER
I trust you to look forward to it. Somebody has to.
On to Part 2!
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