{limp limp limp}
{stagger stagger} {cough}
Hi, I'm Gawl Kudo, and this is Van Fanel.
We thank you for joining us {wheeze} for the second installment of Gawl and Van's Theatre.
I'll bet some of you out there are pleasantly surprised to see that we survived the last {cough} performance.
Pleasantly?
Oi, no heckling! Don't make us call security.
Yeh. I get called, I get pissed, people get hurt. Just not a good situation all around.
Is that any way to speak to a king?
Please. Half my weapons can use a sword better than you, scruffy.
Let it go, moogy, it's not worth it.
Moogy? {shudder}
I told you never to call me that in public!
Psst! Are you writing that down?
Yeah! Shush and deliver your lines!
Oh, right. As I was saying, we're patched up and in great working order thanks to the efforts of Miss Megumi Takani. Thanks, Megumi!
If you ever hurt yourselves like that again, I'll kill you myself.
Don't even joke about that! Do you know how infernally long the queue is?
AHEM! We are now proud to present the second installment of "The Same, Yet Different."
Tonight's presentation is entitled "Railroad Spikes".
Here we go!
CURTAIN
{rise rise rise}
...
Sure is a nice day to be working on the railroad.
Mmm.
Though it'll be even nicer when lunch rolls around. Say, you're new on this crew, aren't you?
I'm only working until I find a bounty around here.
That so. Who're you after?
I doubt you'd believe me.
Let's pretend I'm gullible.
Hm. This sounds really silly, but I'm after a vampire.
Do tell.
It's a favor to one of my partners. Faye's a bit...how do I say this...
Actually, I might have seen this woman of yours. About yea high, cute as a button, knockers the size of cantaloupes, comes from somewhere with a fabric shortage? And looking for a vamp, to boot.
That's Faye. Was she harassing you?
Hitting on me, maybe. Didn't mind that so much, she looked like a tasty morsel. Sent her to a goth club downtown.
Oh. Wonderful.
WHISTLE
Please insert an appropriate whistle noise here. Your courtesy is appreciated.
That's lunch! Boy, am I starving.
It's about time. Say, what's with that giant umbrella you've been carrying around this whole time?
What, this old thing? I just have sensitive skin.
You burn easily?
You might say that.
SPIKE'S STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS
What was it that Faye said vampires don't like? Fun? Sand?
That's an interesting concoction you've got there. What is it?
Just some beef and pork vegetable stir-fry.
Not to sound daft, but where exactly are the beef and pork?
There's not any.
...
My other partner makes lots of meat dishes with no meat.
You've got some wacky partners, mate.
You have no idea. Say, what've you got there?
AB positive.
Oh. I hear blood is high in protein.
SPIKE'S STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS
What did Faye say vampires eat? Mud? Glue?
Say, do you hear something? Sounds like the whimpering of a little nancy-boy.
Victory at last!
WHINY GOTH PUNK
Waaaaaah! Help! I'm being kidnapped!
Shut up, you!
WHINY GOTH PUNK
Ow! Lemmego!
...
I found him, Spike! And you said I'd never succeed.
I did not!
Not you, him. But I couldn't have done it without your help, Spike.
I didn't help you at all!
Not you, him!
Oh. Right.
WHINY GOTH PUNK
Waaah! You're hurting me!
Quiet, vampire!
Are you sure that's the one you're looking for?
Of course! He matches every description of our bounty!
Oi! he does not! He's nothing like your bounty!
SPIKE'S STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS
What part of a vampire's personality did Faye say was strong? The id? The superego?
Of course he is! He doesn't like sunlight...
WHINY GOTH PUNK
It ruins my complexion!
He didn't want me to stab him in the heart with a stake...
Fancy that.
Long as your clothes are on, you won't find a man alive or dead who'll let you try that.
And most importantly, he was drooling over this package of blood!
WHINY GOTH PUNK
That's because you shoved it down your--mmph!
I said be QUIET!
I don't think he's our man, Faye.
I don't think he's anyone's man.
WHINY GOTH PUNK
Whinge snivel whimper.
Don't be silly! I'm taking him back and claiming the bounty.
PORTAL
Vooom.
No you're not, because he's mine.
Oh no you don't! I found him first!
Not that thing! I'm here for Spike.
I don't even know you!
Not you, him.
Oh, right.
Look kids, it's angst with legs. What can I do for the Sultan of Somber?
You're coming with me.
Actually, I found him first.
Waaaait...you mean he's the real bounty?
I thought you'd have noticed, what with me checking out your neck earlier.
I figured you were just like every other male with eyes!
Now this, ladies and gents, is a vain woman.
Why you little--
Don't worry, Faye. You'll still get the satisfaction of turning him in.
Sorry man, he's mine. This just isn't negotiable.
You're right, it's not. {craack}
Wha...you guys are going to fight over little old me? Wait, hold that thought. I'll be back in two shakes with a dozen half-naked girls to cheer for Spike.
We're not waiting.
Okay then, we'll make do with Faye here. Come on, gorgeous, support your team! Let's have it off!
...
...
{look of death}
Well, I thought it was a good idea.
Pig!
Shall we dance?
Heh.
WHINY GOTH PUNK
I'm out of here! {flee flee flee}
I don't want you interfering with us, Spike.
But that's--
Not you, him.
No worries, mate. I may be a git about a lot of things, but I would never interfere in a fair fight.
You're also a liar.
Well, yes. Yes I am. But try not to dwell on that, it's bad for your chakras or some such bullocks.
{elaborately choreographed fight scene}
Say, you're pretty good for a mortal.
Heh. Um...look out behind you...
Please. That's the oldest trick in the--
{THWACK!}
Oooouch! Dammit, Spike, you stay out of this!
Sorry. I saw a bat just lying there and I couldn't help myself.
Sure...
{fight fight fight fight fight fight}
You're not bad for someone who never bothers to train.
Thanks, I think.
You may want to look out...
I'm still not going to fall for--
{throw}
{SQUAAAAAAWK flap bite flutter flutter bite flutter} Gaaaaak! Spike!
Sorry. I saw a feral goose just sitting there and I couldn't help myself.
Bastard!
{fight fight fight}
Oh my. Where oh where did this lever come from? I wonder what it does. {pull}
Um...look out...
{glance} Ha! There's nothing behind me! You were trying to cheat!
{points up}
PIANO
Whoooosh.
Oh shit.
PIANO
Crash clang crash boom.
Unnh...
...
Oooooh...
Well, gosh, I'm having a smashing good time here!
Dear sweet Lord, that hurt! Spike! Where the hell did you get a piano? We did not choreograph that!
Oh, you know, I thought I'd get to the theater a few hours early, make some modifications of my own. Be proactive and all that. You should see--
Drop the curtain! Drop the curtain!
CURTAIN
Drop drop drop.
Thank you for attending the second in the series of--
ANGEL (behind curtain)
You know what? Screw the rest of the scene. I'll just go after you.
SPIKE (behind curtain)
Bring it on, broody.
Ahem! THE SECOND IN THE SERIES OF "THE SAME, YET--"
VIOLENCE BEHIND CURTAIN
Crash bang pow wham!
Which, thankfully, went according to script this time--
{crash}
Aieee!
Oh, sorry...is he okay?
Van? Van?! He's out cold! Stay with us, Van!
Dammit. My angst levels just jumped to 7.4 kiloKamuis.
Megumi, I think we need you again...
RrrrrrrrRRRRRRR!
Megumi-dono! Come back here with my katana, that you should!
All right, Spike, this time I'm really going to kill you!
Posh. If I had a rum for every time you've said that this week I'd be stone-cold sloshed by now.
Zzzzz...{snort} Wha? Rum? Who has rum?
Ooh...where am I?
Good, you're conscious.
Cripes. At least things can't--
Don't, you idiot!
--get any worse.
{slam} Fear not, victims of artistic sloth. The literary critic of the Meiji is here to cleanse your minds and spirits!
{kick}
Ow!
Spirits? You've got spirits?
And who are you?
The name's Sparrow, Jack Sparrow, but you can call me your new best friend. I'm a pirate. You said you had spirits?
...
Hello, Hajime dear.
{glare}
Ryuko darling! How I've missed you!
Hello Jack. Staying clean?
Trying not to, if you get my drift. Ooooh, you mean avoiding senseless violence? I'm clean since before my nap! How about you?
Several minutes. I'm afraid I was rather unkind to an elf whose hand wandered into the wrong place.
FLASHBACK
Urk...medic...
Are any of you going to stop laughing long enough to help Legolas?
Not--hehe--laughing. HahahaCHOO! Achoo! HahaCHOO! Someone back home must be talking about me! Achoo!
Koji?
Haha{cough} ha{cough} {cough} {cough} Clearly I'm experiencing an {cough} allergic reaction to HAHAHA{Coughcoughcough cough cough} pollens that were used in hehe{cough} manufacturing these seats.{Cough cough}
Aragorn?!
HahahahahahaHAAAAAAACK HACK. Hairball.
...
ARWEN'S STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS
Divorce
FLASH FORWARD
Pity for him, though perhaps it was worth the trouble.
Most people think so. Don't you agree, Hajime?
I'm in a better mood than usual, so I'll give you ten seconds to remove your hand from my pants before I remove it from your arm.
Ooh! I like assertive men.
Is there any kind of man you don't like, Ryuko?
Not really, but I like some more than others.
{cough}SLUT{cough} Damn this hay fever.
You're subtle as ever, Jack. But I know that's the way you like them.
Wha...moi?
I'll leave you two alone. I've got Aku to Soku Zan.
Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?
It's a bullhorn, not a mic. Just push the button.
Which one?
Well, let's see, you've got your choice between the one that says "PUSH TO OPERATE", or you could go with the only f$#@ing button there. Three out of five dentists recommend...
THANK YOU FOR COMING TO OUR PLAY. NOW PLEASE LEAVE.
AIEEEE! My ears!
That was nice. A couple more like that and I'll never have to hear Faye singing in the shower again.
I heard that, you insensitive jerk!
Oops.
I MEAN IT. GOODBYE.
We'll have another act sometime. Please look forward to urk--
{drag drag drag} No time to plug, we've gotta book.
Why? Are the dementors here?
Worse: the critics.
{shiiiiiing} I've composed my review of your work in the form of an interpretive sword kata entitled "Eleven Fatal Cuts." {smirk}
Bye-bye, everybody!
Council home