Hi, boys and girls. I'm Van Fanel, and this is an amazingly lifelike cardboard cutout of Gawl Kudo.
...
The real Gawl is off filming the third installment of Bishoujo Bride--
Why don't you tell them the real reason Gawl's gone?
*sigh* Fine. Gawl had a run-in with the wrong side of Saito's sword after the last play, and--
Mmph--bwahahahaha!
You know what? You people are sick. Just sick. In any case, Gawl is currently recovering under the very competent care of Megu...mi...um...
What? Why is everyone looking at me?
So if you're here, who's with Gawl?
Oh, my new assistant is taking care of him.
So that would be...Kenshin, or Inuyasha, or...
I've started working with a nice lady named Ryuko. She's very good with patients.
Oh. Um. Well, in that case, we'll soon be joined by Gawl's ghost. Until then, however--
Actually, I'm sure she's--
NOT HEARING YOU LA LOO LA LA LA
What? I was just going to say that she's probably just tormenting him mercilessly.
It's how she torments that bothers him.
AS I WAS SAYING, since another play is obviously untenable with half the authors indisposed, we are now proud to present the first Council of Bishounen Children's Special.
Oh, good. I was just getting hungry.
We're not serving children, you dip. We're entertaining them.
What? I don't play with my food. That's bad manners.
SECURITY!
Let's go.
Hands off, Aussie, I'm going already. Christ, I bet you wouldn't be so bleeding high-and-mighty without your gatling stake launchers, let me tell you--
So, Gawl, do you think it's time to go to one of our skits?
...
I agree! Let's have fun visiting...Agent Mulder's Neighborhood!
PIANO MUSIC
Plinkety plink plink.
I'd sing, but I care about the children too much to scar them for life.
If only we were all so considerate of the young!
What? I wasn't even being serious! You think I'm so pathetic that I'd snack on actual kids outside Easter and Christmas?
Wow, haha! I was going to change clothes, but it looks like every suit and pair of shoes in the closet is the same as what I'm wearing already. That's one problem with being a special agent!
Gog, just stake me now.
Hello goldfish! I say hello to you every day, but I'm very glad that you never say hello back, because that might make me schizophrenic. What do you think we should do today, goldfish? Hmm...yes, we should visit the Classified Artifacts Room of Make-Believe, but first let's watch an alien autopsy video on Picture Picture.
Um...
VIDEO CLIP
Blood, guts, gore. Guts blood. Spurt splatter splatter blech.
{twitch}
And that, kids, is why you should be suspicious of everything the government does, and trust no one. Except me, of course. And now--wait, it's someone at the door!
Eh?
It's the mailman, Mr. McDougal! Do you have any mail for me today, Mr. McDougal?
Get this straight, spook, 'cause I'm only saying it once. I'm not your f$#king letter carrier. And if you want a Scot, go talk to the walking rain cloud over there.
Excuse me?
You heard me. You want a Mc, he's your man.
Spike, I'm Irish!
What are you, an atlas? It's the same bloody place!
You know what? Those are fighting words!
Oh, 'Those are fighting words.' Woo. With you and your hair-trigger temper, everything from 'Nice day out' to 'Pass the salt' to 'I'm gonna go take a piss' is fighting words. It's just so bleeding predicta--
{DECK}
Ooh. {pop crack} Didn't predict that one, did I now. But you know what? Let's think about this differently. Jesus once said--or maybe it was Karl Marx--that we should turn the other cheek, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. {DECK}
Gah! Wha...
Turn it into a bloody mess, that is.
{DECK}
{DECK}
Hraaaaaaargh! {FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT}
FANGIRL CAMEO
Does this mean you two are about to snog?
Bloody hell no!
SO, GAWL, what do you think?
...
I agree, I think this section is done for. Shall we go over to Mr. Riley's instructional section on how to play Cops and Robbers?
...
Let's do it!
Okay, kids, the first thing we're going to cover is a simple household procedure that will make your TAC-9 fully automatic.
Meep.
TIME PASSES
...and that's why you should always wear protective eyewear when detonating thermite bombs. Don't be like Mr. Gaping Bleeding Eye Socket!
Are you quite finished?!
Um...Oh! And if you have to stab someone from the front, go for the throat or one of the femoral arteries. Chest shots are too likely to glance off a rib. Yep, that's it.
{glare}
What? Should I have covered the pros and cons of using depleted uranium slugs in submachine guns?
Riley, this is a CHILDREN'S SHOW!
Yeah, that's why I covered the basics of plastique detonation. You think anyone past preschool isn't going to know something that simple?
Good grief! The censors are going to crucify us!
Pff. Not if we get to them first.
Right. Why didn't I think of that...Allen, do we have any more Valium?
We've ordered another truckload, but even with the dimensional transit it'll be a few minutes.
Wonderful. Say, d'you mind helping me out here a bit?
What? I'm not prepped for stage work!
Well, you could just stand behind the cutout of Gawl and talk for it...
I, um...I think I'm being paged by a damsel in distress actually...
Save me, Allen! It's been almost an hour since I've gotten lucky!
Gyeh! A different damsel! A DIFFERENT DAMSEL!
Please, Allen? It would mean a lot to me. And I do outrank you, you know.
*sigh* The things I do for chivalry.
Well, kids, let's take a little break and talk for a while, shall we?
Hi, I'm Gawl! I'm loud and I eat too much!
So, um, "Gawl", what did you think of the last segment?
I don't know! I was too busy looking at my stupid perverted Faye Valentine website!
And why...was...that? {kick}
Ow!
I mean, Ow! I don't know. You'd have to ask my loser friend Van, who gives his knights mind-numbing menial tasks entirely unsuited to their abilities!
Haha, isn't that funny? I'm glad you're here to share this with me, Gawl, instead of some blonde insubordinate smartass.
I'm glad too, Van! But I do wish that certain kings weren't so bossy and controlling. I also wish they would charge more aggressively.
Yeah, but you know what, "Gawl"? At least I can keep my pants up! At least I don't have legions of illegitimate knight-spawn running all around Gaea--
{rip}
Oh look. His head came off.
What did you do?!
Oh, nothing. I might have gotten a little tense when you were insulting me behind my back to my face ON CAMERA no less, but I can't imagine what might have happened. Certainly I wouldn't tear Gawl's cardboard head off and throw it at you. {throw}
{thunk} You know--fine. You know what, let's just cut to our final scene, a reading of a children's story, performed by--Oh, no no, that can't be right.
It's right. Go with it.
Ooookay. Boys and girls, Alucard reads "Good Night Moon."
In the great green room, there was a telephone, and a red balloon. And a little rabbit who feared the darkness, who was terrified to the blackest depths of his quivering soul of the gibbering ravenous monsters that rule the night. Do you fear me, children? Do you fear that I lurk under your beds and in your closets and await only your last terrified waking moment before slipping out of the shadows? Do you fear that as I laugh softly at your helplessness, you will awaken and be paralyzed by my dark horrific presence? Do you fear that you will try to scream, but that you will be unable to make more than a soft inaudible whimpering that will only excite my hunger? Do you fear that as you lie still, too terrified even to wet yourselves, I will silently slither from the darkest corners of your nightmares to feed on your slavering terror? You are wise to fear these things, children. After I've finished with the quiet old lady and the cows and the little morsel mouse, I'll see you tonight.
So, um, Aragorn, are we taking bribes from the Child Psychiatrist Union or what?
Yeah. They're paid up to the end of the month.
Great. Just checking. So, this ends our first show, and we'll see you--actually, we won't see you later, because we're NEVER EVER DOING THIS AGAIN. Run, kids! Run far, far away and never look back!
We'll see you at the third installment of 'Bishoujo Bride'.
Right, but more importantly, RUN!