ANNOUNCER
In the anime justice system, character-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In Bishounen City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious atrocities are members of an elite squad known as the Fanfic Enforcers Unit. These are their stories.
DOINK DOINK
Ahhh, Bishounen City. I've been wanting to vacation here for months.
Why, exactly? It looks like New York meets Who Killed Roger Rabbit.
No idea. The plot demands it, I guess.
And why are you here with me instead of your kids?
Beats me. I guess we're just being used as an expository device.
Piercing Scream
Aiiiiiieeeeeee!
I think we're being used as a plot hook. Come on!
It came from over here. Look--
He's gone! You have to help me! I must find him again! He was the perfect man--he made me feel warm and caring and soft and feminine! Please help me!
Hold still, hon, you're gonna be okay. ...Elliot, this is bad.
Yeah, we're gonna need to call in the professionals on this.
FADE
Hey, stay behind the barricade! Wait, are you fic crimes?
Yes, detectives Fox Mulder and Van Fanel, FEU. What's going on here?
It's bad. We've got visitors from all kinds of places who just aren't right.
They're out of character?
Off the charts. It's awful.
How big is the disruption zone?
This attack, I'd guesstimate a six-block radius.
This attack?
Yeah, we've got another one across town. Sarge says your boss is sending another team to investigate.
Nice of him to tell us. What are the victims' symptoms?
They're all women, and they're all gushing about "perfect beauty" and "impeccable charm" or some rubbish like that. Usually they only say these things when they see me.
Sounds like a Marty Stu authorial insertion. I've never heard of one this bad, though.
Maybe it's a lesbian Mary Sue?
Don't push your luck.
OPENING CREDITS
FADE
All right, people, LISTEN UP! We've got an authorial insert out there, probably male, with a hundred and seventy victims and rising fast. This isn't like other Marty Stus we've seen; rather than hitting single targets, he has an area seduction effect. We need to find this guy, and find him FAST. Tech people, clear your desks. Until this case is cleared, you're working this and nothing else.
Check.
Now for the legwork--
Want us to track him down?
As undead, we have a heightened resistance to unnatural charm.
Not a chance. Two witnesses independently described his smile as a fountain of sunbeams, and I'm not going to risk any accidental dustings. I want you two to go brood in the interrogation room. We'll need a lot of gloom and angst to counteract whatever aura of glee this psycho is projecting.
Dibs on the northwest corner.
You got the northwest corner last time!
I'll let you arrange the furniture.
Furniture and lighting?
Done and done.
Aragorn and Mulder, I want you on past Marty Stus. Check the registrations for any previous offenders in the city, and double-check prior victims to see if they've been revisited. This might be an old offender who's learned some new tricks.
Got it.
On our way.
And Mulder, make sure any suggestions you make have at least two sources to back them up.
No problem.
Your imagination doesn't count as a source!
The dalmation isn't a main course? Sorry, the elevator door is clos--
$#@!. Gawl, Van, Inuyasha, you're my three most heterosexual detectives. I want you to track this SOB down by finding his entry point into the city. Start from the beginning. Smell him out, if you have to.
*cough*
Um, er...
What is it?
Well, it's just that our copy of Grand Theft Chariot II: the Bandit Gangs of Assyria finally came in the mail, and...
We sort of wanted to try it out, and...
It's lunchtime, and...
Oh, I almost forgot. The precinct received letters today from Kagome, Hitomi and Masami asking that our perp be treated courteously by our officers because he's such a kind and generous gentleman. And handsome, too.
WHAT?!
They also mentioned that he really knows how to show the ladies a good time.
He's dead.
I'll kill him.
No you don't. He's mine!
Not if I get to him first!
{VOOM}
Captain, I'd like tech to look over those letters. We might be able to pick up traces of authorial tampering.
Oh, er...they were, um, lost in a tragic filing accident.
Ah, motivation for the boys. Gotcha.
The rest of you, man the phones. I've started a pseudonymous tipline so that any of the visiting Mary Sues and Marty Stus can score points with the bishies by ratting out one of their own. I think that covers everyone? All right, break!
Two hours later
Mm-hm. Please continue, Miss Valentine.
...And then he took me into the most lavishly decorated bedroom and had me sit down on his four-poster bed. It had silk sheets, tee-hee. And then--
Just a moment. Did he at any point give you a name, or wear some distinctive clothing that would help us identify him?
Yes of course, it was Dryden Fassa.
It wa--excellent. Thank you very much, Miss Valentine. You've been very helpfu--
Wait, don't go! I haven't told you what we did next!
You've given us everything we need. You don't have to revisit those painful memories anymore.
What do you mean, painful? Why would my own fanfics be painful?
Your---wait, you mean you were the one abusing self-insertion there? Dryden was the one there against his will?!
It wasn't against his will once I rewrote what he wanted, silly! Now come back here and I'll tell you about all the fun we had together!
Excuse me a second.
Outside Interrogation Room 2
Oh, hey, Aragorn. I haven't had any luck with the...are you okay? What are you--
*bang bang bang*
Watch it, you'll dent the locker.
What about my head?
That much time with Faye and you should be using a concrete post.
Mulder! I've been looking for you.
What's up?
Bishoujo Metropolis across the river sent a list of recent emigrants to Bishounen City, including the names of some victims who weren't in our records. Go ahead and interview them too.
I'm going to raid the mead storage downstairs.
See ya. Captain, are you sure it's such a good idea to have these people remembering such traumatic experiences? I'm not sure how well some of these witnesses are doing.
It's okay, we have an on-site psychiatrist for anyone who needs suicide counseling afterward. See for yourse--
Milady, for you we have the choice of silk rope noose, defective bungee cord or a lethal dose of painkiller. What's your pref?
*sob* Painkillers, please. *weep weep*
There ya go. Ladies' room is down the hall and around the corner.
*weep* Thank you.
....
...Spike, what happened to our suicide counselor?
Oh, him? He took my last .45.
Our suicide counselor killed himself?!
What? Of course not! He said he needed to hunt down some guy who wrote some bad Car Trek fics, or something.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Prague...
Damn it to hell, I never should've counseled Stephen and helped him recover from his mental illness--he's mangled too many innocent characters named Crusher! It is now my sacred duty to track him down and personally purge his evil from this world.
*oomph* Pardon me, I wasn't watching where I was going.
Quite all right.
...
I don't mean to pry, but you also have the haunted look of a man who is trying to atone for his good intentions by using deadly force. Can we sit down somewhere to discuss a collaborative effort?
*nods*
Back at the station-house
Well, bugger.
Captain! We've got a lead from the trackers!
Put them on speakerphone.
Done.
Can you hear me?
Loud and clear, Captain.
We surveyed rental agencies for any unusual activity and got a hit on an apartment that was rented to a "sublimely gorgeous and polite fellow"--landlord said half the building swooned when he moved in. We're outside the door now.
Hold there until I can get you a search warrant. Sam, get me the ADA--
She just arrived, sir.
That's convenient.
ADA Seras Victoria, at your service. I'm new here.
So I gathered. Ms. Victoria, we're tracking the worst Marty Stu we've ever had, and we need to get into his apartment now. Can you get us a warrant post-haste?
Is there anything suspicious that you can see from the hallway?
Not really. It just has the welcoming, comforting air of the home of a truly admirable person anyone should want to emulate.
...
That is probable cause. Break down the door and I'll make whatever you find stick.
CRASH
Wow.
Nice place.
Common area is clear.
Kitchen is clear.
Bedroom is clear!
Damn.
Of course we wouldn't catch him at home, we're not that lucky.
Okay boys, what do you see? Who're we dealing with here?
It's just a peaceful, yet empowering place.
The air lends itself to a quiet kind of confidence and security that is obviously felt by whoever he is that is the one living here.
*GAG*
What the hell is that garbage? Tell me what you see, idiot!
I--I'm trying, but those are the only descriptions that come to mind when I look around! It's like the concrete objects and shapes and colors I see all around me fuzz out in my brain, and the only words I can use communicate nothing!
That's definitely the right place, but get them out of there before it corrupts their minds.
You heard the lady. Back off and regroup outside.
Judging by the contents of his refrigerator *munch munch*, this man has obviously cooked breakfast for many a satisfied woman--
NOW, Inuyasha!
Right, sorry.
Let's put that place under 24 hour surveillance--
I'm not sure it'll matter. These kind of perps have two residences usually.
Right, the seduction pad and the more secure inner sanctum.
Hahahaha! Did Koji just say "pad"?
*glare*
Great. Back to square one then. He'll probably try to keep a low profile now, too, now that we've found where he takes women after he seduces them. Damn! Damn damn damn.
Two days later
Augh. How long is this list of recent victims from Bishoujo Metropolis anyway?
*Yawn* There's another box of pages in the hallway.
Why on earth are there so many of them?
Marty Stus pick Bishoujo Metropolis as their first target, usually. Understandably, a lot of the women who find themselves in that situation once pack up and leave.
Any hits off the tiplines?
Nope. Just a bunch of Mary Sues feigning helplessness to try to pick us up.
What are the stats?
Eighty-three lost in a strange universe, forty-nine looking for long-lost siblings, twenty-seven are "gorgeous" but hexed to be only slightly more attractive than average--
They had their beauty stolen, I assume?
Of course. We're supposed to beware of beautiful women, they're all evil thieves. We also had fifty-odd prank calls from Gawl and Van, and seventeen girls grieving over their recently dead fiancees, most of whom work here and were still alive last I checked. Oh, and let's not forget the thirty-two who are dying from some disease or other and want to be loved just once before they pass on.
I don't suppose there was any creativity with the diseases?
fourteen leukemia, eight cancer, three typhoid, four cholera, two rabies--
Hey, you don't hear rabies every day.
They were catgirls.
Aww. weak.
...and the one dying from a really bad--excuse me, a "rly bad codl".
All right, fine, the tipline wasn't the best idea I've ever had. ...Anyone know if we have any more coffee?
Just the canned junk.
Yuck.
Ya, the grains stick in my teeth something fierce.
Wow, that actually made sense. I've been awake too long.
*hic* Annyone knoooow ifwehvanymur mead?
Buddha in a pop-tart, are you drunk while on duty? What the hell is wrong with you?
He drew the short straw and had to interview Faye a while ago.
Great Maker. C'mon Aragorn, I'll break open the whiskey locker for you.
We have a whiskey locker?
If you'd make even a little effort to stay awake during the resource allocation meetings...
Meh, I'll take my chances with the blanket and pillow.
Gah! Who's been spitting sunflower seed shells on the floor?!
Little green men.
I'm gonna play little green football with their little green heads if they don't knock it off. We've got waste bins for that kind of thing.
Maybe, if we'd get decent food in here instead of blowing the budget on expensive booze, these extraterrestrial visitors wouldn't feel the need to indulge constantly in messy snacks?
Now isn't the time to retool our expenditures, we've got to find this psychopath, and having a messy workstation is not helping anyone!
Stay frosty, will you? Both of you. I hate it when you fight.
No kidding. I've had a headache for a day and a half now, and the yelling isn't helping.
I wish we had Inez Fressange here, she'd have some clever way of sorting all these victims.
Where is she, anyway? We're all on 24-hour call, surely.
Um, she and Ruri are still in the hospital after their attempt to ski down Mt. Olympus on Mars.
That's it!
What's what?
The crossword clue you were looking for yesterday?
No, the hospital. It's the solution to everything!
Hey, I believe it. Who wants to pet the pretty pink bunnies? La la la! I love hallucinati--
*smack* Silence, you. Think about it. Every Marty Stu has some favorite target in a hospital, right? Either in a coma or dreadfully ill?
Not only that, but he visits them! Mulder, get on the phone with every hospital in the--
Already on the line.....Hello? Yes, this is Fox Mulder with the F.E.U., I need you to run a check on recent admissions...
45 minutes later
Calm down, Mr. Stabler. This isn't your fault.
Yeah it is. I don't know how I could've let her do that. She was acting so strangely, I should have known, should have stopped her...
Why don't you start from the beginning?
Liv said she'd met someone special, that she was meeting him for dinner, wanted to look nice...so she bought a corset, but when she put it on, it crushed her ribcage and her broken ribs punctured both her lungs...now she's in a coma and it's all my fault.
Out of purely disinterested investigative curiosity, what did she look like with the corset on?
Do you like the taste of your own blood? 'Cause I can arrange for you to taste a lot of it.
Knock it off, Gawl. So, you've been sitting here outside her room this whole time?
Other than bathroom breaks, yeah.
Has she had any visitors? Something smells awfully strange.
Not that I've seen...
Actually, there was one about an hour ago while you were taking a nap, Elliot.
Megumi! What're you doing here?
Finishing up my residency. In the time between Fillers 4 and 5, I've gotten medical degrees in three different time periods.
Yeah, well, I can belch the Japanese national anthem.
Did you catch this visitor's name, or appearance, or anything?
Not really, I was pretty busy, but I did think it was odd that he signed in as Mr. Right. Also, his cologne was rather odd...
*sniff sniff* Eau de You Will Like Me or I Will Write You Out of Existence?
Yeah, that's the one. How did you--
That's the nasty odor that's been bothering me. I can track him! Follow me!
Wait, I'm coming with you!
We really shouldn't let you--
No, it's okay, I've got a spare Rheinmetall 20mm dual antiarcraft cannon on me. Compliments of Riley.
Thanks. ...Wow, these things weigh just over two metric tons, how is it that you carry them around so effortlessly?
The joys of creative writing, my friend. That, and I've been working out. Let's get going.
24 minutes later
How fitting that his inner sanctum would be buried in a sewer.
Yeah, but we'll need some heavier hardware to get past this imposing yet inconspicuous military-grade blast door.
Sounds like we should call in the SWAT team.
You rang?
RILEY'S T-SHIRT
BADASS MOFO
(ask me about free beatings)
You're on the SWAT team?
I am the SWAT team. At least, part-time when I'm not working as a courtroom bailiff. What's the situation?
Our perp is behind this door, but even our high explosives haven't even scratched it. Any suggestions?
One good blast from the PDC-IFTV cannon ought to do it.
The what?
It's an acronym--Plot Device Cannon-Instant Fix Through Violence. Closes plot holes and resolves difficult situations for the characters who fire it. If a problem can be solved through carnage, the PDC-IFTV will do it; and if not, it's still damn fun trying.
Let's give it a shot.
BIGASS CANNON
BA-DOOOOOOOM.
Ha. Deus ex machina 1, blast door 0.
What the...
And what have we here?
Eww, that's hideous cologne man all right.
Greetings, gentlemen, might I offer you--
STOP RIGHT THERE!
No charm, appeal or facial expressions of any kind, dirtbag!
If I see the corners of your mouth move so much as a millimeter, I'll tear out your spine and wear it as a belt.
He'll do it, too.
He's a badass mofo.
Ask him about free beatings.
Oh dear...looks like I have little choice but to come along quietly.
Gilderoy Lockhart, you're under arrest for crimes against just about everything. You have the right to remain silent and not piss off Gawl and Van enough that they tear your arms off like Wookiees; anything you say may be used to publicly mock you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney who will consume between half and two-thirds of your soul. If you cannot afford such an attorney, a discount Walmart (TM) soul will be provided for you. You have the right to stay in character at all times. You do not have the right to be fully developed, despite your central role in this particular story...
Back at the precinct
I think you'd better tell us what we want to know.
Now.
Or, if you're really motivated, you could build a time machine and tell us yesterday...but I'm pretty sure we'll settle for now. Won't we?
Yeah, I think now would be good.
Right: tell us now. Because if you don't...we might get cranky.
This isn't looking so good for me...
Darn right it's not. You wouldn't like us when we're cranky.
It's awful. It's like...well, it's like pretty much every day, but with more gut-tearing-out and general suspect-related mayhem.
And that's only the beginning. You realize, scared as you are now, that we're only going to talk about it until you piss yourself. And then that's when we'll start--
Yeah, when you piss yourself and fill up your pants, that's when we'll start having fun, instead of just teasing ourselves--
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not into that whole thing, are you, Spike?
Into what whole what?
You're not a coprophiliac are you? 'Cause that's just really nasty.
Wha? No! No way, no how. I'm playing a role here, Angel, trying to get our suspect here--*poke*
Ow!
--geared up to tell us what we want to know. Excuse me if my harsh language offended your tender sensibilities.
All right, sorry. What roles are we playing again?
Once again. You are Bad Cop, I am Worse Cop...
Hey, what am I?
'Scuse me, I forgot, you're Fall Asleep in the Corner like a Worthless Lump with Cigarette Ash All Over your Uni Cop.
Nice. Works for me. ...Zzzzzzzzz
...Lazy bastard.
Wait, weren't you Worse Cop last time?
No, I was bloody not Worse Cop last time, you know perfectly well I was in that damned ridiculous skivvy maid outfit--
Hahahahaha! Oh, I'd forgotten about that! Oh my God, I can't believe you fell for that bet.
Starting tomorrow, every day for the next six months I'm going to send you a card saying "Fuck you, may you have a day filled with sunshine and stakes." Damned kid's a vacuum cleaner, eats everything that isn't bolted down and half the stuff that is, how the hell was I supposed to know he'd turn his nose up at some bloody candy?
Come on, Spike, anyone who reads Gawl and Van's blog knows Gawl can't stand blue gumdrops.
I cannot believe you rot your mind with that pointless juvenile rubbish.
They've got a secret webcam in Faye's shower.
Really? What's the address?
You have a pen and paper to write it down?
Yeah, hold on a second.
It's w w w dot--
*SLAM* All right, you two aren't getting the job done. Let me handle this one.
Hey, you can't let him do that! Can you?
What do you have in mind, Elliot?
I'm going to soften him up. My way. *grab*
Eek!
Hey, hey, hey!
Wait just a minute here!
Hold up, you can't hit him!
Give me one good reason why not.
We haven't given you your brass knuckles yet.
Oh. Thanks. These really made of brass?
Hey! Just a moment!
Nah, imitation. Department blew most of its budget on booze. Still solid as anything, though.
Nifty. I like the heft.
Also, you haven't been briefed on your role.
My role. All right, fang boy, what's my role?
He's Bad Cop...
*nodnod*
I'm Worse Cop...and you are Suspect Had Better Fess Up Before he Learns what his Eyeballs Taste Like Cop.
Sounds good to me. That sound good to you, punk? Huh?
Ulp! I want a lawyer! And a bodyguard!
Viewing Room
I'm not sure this is going to work.
How do you mean?
Look, even if we get him to talk, who on earth can prosecute this guy? He'll just charm everyone in the courtroom.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that too much.
BISHOUNEN CITY DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE
ALUCARD! Where in the nine hells have you been? Is it so bloody difficult to show up for your appointments on time!?
Apologies, master. The judge in the last case requested that I execute the defendant's sentence immediately, and I needed to use the restroom afterward.
There's no place in this office for vampires who can't be punctual. And I've told you before, never call me "Master" outside the Hellsing mansion. People might start spreading rumors.
Rumors of what?
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
There's nothing to talk about. Now, on to the Lockhart case...
I've been looking forward to that one.
I'm going to prosecute it myself, as it will provide a nice high-profile case that will help in my reelection campaign.
Excuse me, but aren't you guaranteed reelection anyway? Seeing as how all your opponents mysteriously disappear on moonless nights?
Yes, but our success here will make the public feel better about my indefinite tenure. Alucard, you will be my second during the trial...
Good, it will be a pleasure to work together again.
Yes, I rather imagine it will. Seras, I'll have you sit in the courtroom as an observer; this will be good training for you. Luckily for us, I've managed to get the case on the docket of a judge who has been rather sympathetic to our causes in the past.
Oh, is it a hanging judge?
Unfortunately not, but this judge has rather predictable violent whims that we've been able to use to our great advantage before. You just have to know how to play him.
You surely do enjoy playing with your men.
But of course; it comes with the territory. Just be sure to mark yours.
Um...Is there something going on that I should know about?
No.
Certainly not.
Absolutely nothing.
Okay...
Two days later, in court
The judge is about to arrive. Be on your best behavior, or it could be the end of everything.
I'm sure we could find some other grounds to prosecute him on if we lose--
No, I mean it would be the literal end of everything that exists.
All rise for His Honor, Judge Sephiroth!
Welcome to my court. Do not provoke me; I will murder all of you on a whim or less.
(And this isn't the hanging judge?!)
(No, that's Jerome "Tactical Nuclear" Tenner, whose courtroom has been a radiation hazard for the last 9 years. Now hush!)
Ahhh, the jury pool. All of you, leave. Except you.
....Me?
Yes, you. You, like me, hide your stark raving madness under a superficial veneer of control. I like you.
I'm not sure whether to be flattered or challenge you to a duel.
Being flattered is the safer course.
Probably, although with a sword that size, I can't help wondering whether you're compensating for something rather, erm...petite?
Psst! Ix-nay on the--
Bailiff! Slap the jury pool silly while I watch.
*Sigh* Sorry, Jack. Nothing personal.
Hey, wait! Don't you dare lay a hand on *thwack* Ouch!
Now, where were we?
*smack* Ow!
That's right, Bishounen City v. Gilderoy Lockhart. You're accused of several hundred counts of authorial insertion for the sake of seducing women against their wills. How do you plead?
*whack* *pow* Argh! Stop it!
The defendant pleads not guilty, Your Honor.
And if I may say so, Your Honor {smile}--
You may not, on penalty of instant death.
{smug smile}
(Ahh, I see what you mean!)
*slug* Unnnnh! Not the nightstick!
Hm...we shall proceed immediately to trial by jury. As we have only one member of the jury pool at the moment...
Now, wait just a ruddy minute. If you think that I'm going to have anything to do with you or this courtroom after the way you've had me treated, you can take your proceedings and your deliberamations, impale them on your mast-length greatsword, and shove it alllll the way up your--
Bailiff!
A trial, you say? Sounds like fun.
Good. We shall call this a trial by Jack.
Everyone here is mad but me, and I'm not sure about me.
94 days later
...and finally, Ms. Yamigumo, did the defendant put you into a coma and, later, seduce you against your will while masquerading as a figure known as The Guardian, as we've in fact seen from the plethora of video documentation of your case, much like the other 372 cases we've seen, each with rock-solid video, audio and DNA evidence?
*mumble*
Please speak into the microphone, dear.
Yes ma'am, he did.
Did my leading question just now adequately convey the sheer volume of material we've presented in the last three months against Gilderoy Lockhart, given that we're too kind to put the audience through every last ruddy detail of every specfic incident?
Objection! Witness cannot possibly know what goes on in the mind of the audience.
She can, however, correctly convey the opinion of the author on the matter.
She's right, Mr. Sesshomaru. Objection overruled. Please answer the question.
Um, I believe it was a bit sparse, ma'am, but if you've said there was a lot, that might be enough to get your point across. But I'm not sure, if you could somehow phrase it as a question about Lucifer Hawks...
That won't be necessary, Ms. Yamigumo. No further questions for this witness.
Mr. Sesshomaru?
Your Honor, my client would like to cross-examine the witness himself.
YOUR HONOR!
Approach.
The defendant has an established history of psychologically brutalizing women against their will, and Ms. Yamigumo was one of his victims! Am I to sit still while he plies his despicable manipulative trade at this poor woman's expense?
Your Honor, my client has a constitutionally guaranteed right to confront his accusers!
You're both right. I'll allow it, Mr. Lockhart, but if I smell so much as an iota of charm, I'll force-feed you your own lower intestine.
{gulp} On second thought, Your Honor, I don't have any questions for this witness after all.
I thought not. Is there anything else, Ms. Hellsing?
No, Your Honor. The prosecution rests.
Then it's up to you, Mr. Sesshomaru.
Your Honor, because of the authorial interdiction field, the defense is unable to properly present its case. We request a temporary field shutdown.
Counsel, if I lower that field, I'll fall helplessly in love with every one of the swarm of chittering fangirls hovering outside this courthouse. Even our bailiff would be too distracted with the stunning beauty of some mini-insert to keep this courtroom safe--
Actually, Your Honor, I've got a portable field generator. I'd be fine.
Oh. That's good. But I would still be at risk, and it's a chance I won't take. It's simply undignified.
Point taken, Your Honor. The defense rests.
Very well. In the interests of brevity, I'll require counsel to forego their closing arguments, and release the member of the jury to his deliberations.
No need to delib...deliber...argue, Your Honorrr. He'sh guilty as shin.
You're unanimous?
Well, it was a tough fight (hic)...rum kegs three through five were holding out for his innoshence, but we talked 'em into sheeing things our way. *braaaaap* Ohh...is there an outhouse or a potted plant around here or something?
Very well. I remand the defendant to the department of corrections, for sentencing to occur in sixty seconds.
Sixty seconds, Your Honor?
Yes. Just enough time for a commercial break.
BLAAAAAAAARGH! ...ugh.
Then is it all right if I just supervise him here?
Fine.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Mmm, don't stop!
Breathy female voice
Do you know what I love even more than shampooing your hair with Insta-Sheen Bishounen Conditioner, Kurz?
Yes, but tell me anyway, Anonymous Catgirl #1.
Breathy female voice
It's...erm, my hands are stuck.
No, no, no! Your line is "Running my hands through your hair after it's been treated by Insta-Sheen Bishounen Conditioner, Kurz!" How many times do we have to--
Breathy female voice
No, I mean my hands are stuck!
What the hell--ack! Help!
Hahahahaha! Gawl and Van were right, the slow-acting shampoo reagent glue works perfectly!
I'm gonna kill you, Mao! Gah! Will somebody get this catgirl's hands out of my hair?!
Hahaha! Need some scissors, Sergeant? I'm pretty sure we have a chainsaw belowdecks.
Come back here, you!
Breathy female voice
Owwww! Stop dragging me!
You'll never catch me like that, haha!
Are they going to be okay?
I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure trying to murder each other is against regs even when we're off duty.
They'll be fine. Say, Sousuke, how about we go fishing?
Yes, fishing sounds like the perfect way for the three of us to unwind and stay safely away from those two.
Oh, of course, the three of us...*sigh*
Rrrr!
END COMMERCIAL BREAK
Ahem. That was apparently an older take that was released by mistake. In any case, sentencing will now commence.
The defendant will please rise.
Gilderoy Lockhart, for your crimes against humanity and and fictional characters, I sentence you to be kicked in the crotch by every woman you've ever illicitly manipulated.
{gulp} That doesn't sound...too bad...
In every universe, not just Bishounen City. And I believe Ms. Phenil has dibs.
Damn straight! I'll kick you so hard your pelvis is gonna break your nose!
Hey, does the line form here?
*nod* Would you like to borrow my pair of steel-toed boots for your turn?
Thanks hon, that'd be great!
Oh $#@@$!.
OUTSIDE
It's funny.
What?
How creatures like us can walk about freely in the sunlight, while lesser vampires have to carry around those ridiculous beach umbrellas.
Hey, screw you!
It's not as though red trenchcoats have ever been in style, anywhere.
Alucard, you're supposed to say something witty that pertains to the case.
I'm sorry, Master. I've been bad.
Yes, you certainly have. And you'll need to be punished.
I look forward to it.
Are you sure there's nothing going on that I sh--
Quite sure.
Executive Producer
NOT DICK WOLF
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