beerbattle

In this week's beer battle we pit New Zealand's Speights against King Cobra, an abrasive brew from the good ole USA!

Which brew will prove itself the supreme champion? Are our willing reviewers up to the challenge? One thing is for sure, both Alice and Cheesey will be utterly shit-faced before the night is over.

The New Zealand entrant is a 4.0% alcohol batch brewed beer hailing from Otago. It has been the Southern Students friend for many years and a personal favourite of Cheesey.

The contender from the USA is a heavier beer at 5.9% alcohol and comes in a sporty 40 oz (1125ml) bottle.

The reviewers decided to engage in a series or rigourous tests to assess the potency of the beverages. Regular statistics would be recorded to aid them in their study. Afterwards both beers would be rated according to a set of predetermined criteria.

The first contest will be a game of chess, both reviewers have quickly consumed approximately one litre of beer before this first challenge. Cheesey reports a feeling of warm happiness after finishing his third 350ml bottle.

After a similar amount of Cobra Alice was quoted as saying he was "Pretty lit already" It should be reported also that at this stage he changed his name to "Loading up the Glock"

Transcript of Chess Chat...

The chess game was incredibly long, both reviewers making incredibly stupid moves repeatedly. Was this an indication of the strength of the beer or were both incredibly inept at chess?

Cheesey came out on top finally, and was observed "doing the wild bull ride dance" when Alice finally conceded defeat.

Both players took a small break after the game as they were both "Fuckn hungry"

A second game followed at the 1.75 litre mark, a quick fire game where Cheesey "Fucked Alice like an animal"

It should also be noted that Alice tried to convince Cheesey to leave his wife and marry him.

The number of typing mistakes and "Piss stops" became increasingly frequent as the reviewers logged into Zone to play TA. Would this determine the winner? Could Alice come back from his chess defeats and "cap yo' ass nigga" ?

Things got rather confusing in their zone room as a procession of visitors managed to totally confuse and disorientate the reviewers. To make matters worse when Cheesey posted a link to aid the understanding of the general zoners about what was transpiring a rather anal sysop gave Cheesey a 5 minute chat ban. This served to piss off Cheesey in no small way.

+Cheesey777 says:
lol got 5 min gag
Loading up the Glock says:
lol
Loading up the Glock says:
that prick
Loading up the Glock says:
im goin to smoke
Loading up the Glock says:
i got nothing
Loading up the Glock says:
lol i just got one
+Cheesey777 says:
aye
+Cheesey777 says:
lololol
Loading up the Glock says:
lol hes booting us for content
Loading up the Glock says:
lol
+Cheesey777 says:
heehehhehehehe what the fuck for??
Loading up the Glock says:
+ALPHA_STRIKE101> thats a bad page
+ALPHA_STRIKE101> i mean the stuff on it

+Cheesey777 says:
heeh for the record and shit
Loading up the Glock says:
what a pussy

The fascist sysops further interfered by giving both reviewers a rest of the day ban from zone after they tried to seek clarification on the reason for the gag and the + member's sexual preference and general ancestry.

After taking another smoke break Alice sustained minor injury after falling off a planter and rolling down a hill into some Ivy in the back yard. Also it was reported that he told the neighbors barking dog "Fuck you!" twice and threatened to "bust a cap in [it's] ass"

Repeated attempts were made to play Total Annihilation to showcase both beers' strategy enhancement qualities but slow connections made play impossible. Both reviewers report that they can barely focus their vision and are only able to use one eye. The decision is made to adjourn the review and pass out then pass final judgement during the post-game hangover wrap-up.

Final Analysis:

We rated the beers on several scientific categories:

Cusswords Per Hour: King Cobra came out way ahead in this category with a record 178 "Fucks" uttered during and after the first Chessmatch alone while Speights came up a little short with only 152

Sheer Hostility: With numerous uncalled for threats to "Bust a cap up in here" King Cobra comes out on top yet again in this category. Although, it must be noted that Speights did give Cheesey increased aggressiveness in chess moves.

Pisses Per Hour: Although from transcripts it would appear that Speights came out way ahead in this category King Cobra actually ranked far higher since Alice would often take a piss at the same time as Cheesey to avoid getting it put on the record for some inexplicable reason. King Cobra: 4.5 Speights 3

Squint Factor: Speights seemed to gain back some ground in this category nearly blinding our Reviewer with one fully closed eye and leaving the other eye 63% closed. Cobra came in close behind with vision heavily blurred in both eyes and both barely open at 57%

Bang For Buck: Clearly at approximately $2 a 6 pack Speights comes in pretty cheap for the effort. However because of King Cobras superior alcohol content it actually gives you more for the extra few cents you might pay. $1.75 per bottle is quite a bargain for the "King" of malted beverages.

Loss of Cognition and Emotional Control: King Cobra once again shows itself supreme by driving Alice nearly insane and completely destroying his chess and typing skills. Emotional outbursts were numerous and frequent. Speights on the other hand tended to bring about a slightly more mellow mood (until Zone bans occured anyway) and it also allowed clearer thinking as shown in chess.

Delusion Factor: Speights came out on top here with Cheesey producing some spectacular air guitar.

It looks like King Cobra managed to edge out its lighter-weight New Zealand counterpart. The final clincher for the King Cobra victory was Alice's stunning roll down the hill. But considering the cost either one of these beers is well worth the change in your couch it would take to buy them.