A long time coming -- Anna

by Elgatoneun (elgatoneun@yahoo.com)

Title: A Long Time Coming - Anna
Author: elgatoneun
Rating: PG-13 for implied slash
Pairing: Anna/Seth, sort of Seth/Ryan
Summary: Anna has been with Seth for a while now … she finally understands.
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me.
Spoilers: Everything up to and including The Debut.
Feedback: Would be appreciated
Notes: This is a slight future fic, will most likely be AU. It takes place in the summer after Ryan's first year with the Cohens.

Anna wondered why it took her so long. She could usually spot this kind of thing right on. But it was Seth, and she had been hooked the minute this adorably gorgeous (gorgeously adorable?) guy walked up to her to gently tell her that her escort had bailed. The fact that he had said "Wow" with genuine appreciation had just been icing on the cake. She’d been disappointed that he seemed to be in lust with that skanky Summer. Oh well, Seth couldn’t be perfect.

Oh, but he was perfect.

Anna looked down at him, she wanted to reach down and ruffle his hair, to feel that softness between her fingers. But she stopped herself. Seth looked up at her from his position on the couch. She had to stand, to steel herself to do this, because she knew how close she was to crumbling, to letting things go on as before and pretending everything was fine. The confusion and hurt on his face was killing her. He had no idea why she was doing this and she didn’t want to tell him, but she had to. Her hand went to brush his hair off his face. He let her, closed his eyes and leaned into her hand. She snatched her hand back; she couldn’t do this.

"Just tell me why, no, don’t tell me that, tell me what I can do to fix this, I’ll fix this, I promise … just tell me want you want me to do." Seth’s words were full of emotion, urgent and desperate. Anna almost hated him at that moment, for making it so hard. He was so honest, everything he was feeling, he conveyed: on his face, in his voice, his entire body language. That was what drew her to him; the honesty, that essential realness that stood out like a beacon in this sea of plastic people with their fake smiles and air kisses.

But it wasn’t true. Seth told her the biggest lie of all. He didn’t love her. His smiles, his kisses – they belonged to someone else. The fact that he didn’t know it didn’t diminish that. Did he really not know? Anna searched his face for some sign of it, was there a shadow, something to indicate that he was hiding it, his real feelings? Had she been played the whole time?

"Anna, you promised me Tahiti, remember? I gave up several hot babes, um, one really hot, um, okay, many lonely nights of serious Grand Theft Auto and Splinter Cell for you." Puppy dog eyes. Seth has irresistible puppy dog eyes. The ones you can’t say no to, even though you know the little mongrels are going to pee everywhere and chew up your shoes. But then they look up at you and nuzzle their soft, wet noses into your palm. They lick you until you smell like dog and you don’t care because you already love the damn things … those puppies should be shot. Anna had to smile a little. Seth would be horrified to know she compared him to a puppy. He’d pretend not to be, but he’d have this mortified, offended little expression where his forehead would sort of crease up. And then she’d have to tease him out of it.

"I’ll be your love slave." Seth said solemnly, as solemn as someone could actually be uttering that sentence. She laughed. Damn, he was such an opportunist. He wasn’t above manipulation to get what he wanted. He used it on her, he used it on his parents, he used it on Ryan …

"Look, Seth, we had a good thing, but we’ve gone as far as we can." She pulled her hand away, hadn’t even noticed Seth taking it. She looked at his hands. Capable, caring hands. Hands that had held her while they waltzed, gently leading her so that she wouldn’t make a complete fool out of herself in front of Newport’s elite society. So rich and self absorbed they published their own glossy society pages that masqueraded as a community lifestyle magazine – Orange Coast, please. But it hadn’t really mattered, because Seth told her funny stories about everybody, where to go for the best fish tacos and how to choose the most secluded spots on the beach. All the while, his hands had been guiding her, slight pressure to signal a change in direction, a light squeeze to reassure her.

"I love you, Claude, come on, you don’t want to do this." He pulled her down to the couch, almost on top of him. Her back was to his chest, his hand rubbing circles on her shoulders. Coaxing her, calling her Claude. Anna Claude Stern, her middle name, the name she inherited from her grandfather. A name that for some unfathomable reason she had told Seth. It had become his endearment for her. As stupid and corny as it was, it made her feel special, cherished.

Seth was good at that – making people feel cherished. Like on Valentine’s Day weekend, he had presented her with two tickets to Pittsburgh. Everything had already been packed, planned and arranged beforehand with her parents. Her friends had picked them up from the airport. Seth had charmed her friends and went with her to all her favorite hangouts. The whole weekend had been a blast and she hadn’t even realized how much she had missed it. She knew then that she really loved funny, adorable, insecure Seth Cohen. She had been as blissfully happy as a brash, cynical city girl could be.

She felt soft kisses at the nape of her neck and heard murmurs of promises. Seth was pulling out the big guns now. She leaned back and felt herself weakening.

Then she heard high-pitched giggling and the stomping of unwelcome feet. Great. Marissa and Ryan almost fell into the room. Luckily (or not so luckily), Ryan grabbed Marissa before she dove headfirst into the coffee table. They flopped onto the couch beside them.

"Hey guys, we’re going to be late." Marissa leaned in against both of them. Wonderful, she was already wasted.

"Come on, it’s the first party of the summer."

Anna thinks she can feel Ryan reach over and touch her boyfriend. Grip his arm firmly, concerned. A thousand words transmitted by touch.

"Hey, you guys okay?" Ryan doesn’t talk much. All his words seem to be for Seth … or Marissa.

"Yeah dude, we’ll catch up with you later." Seth reassured him.

An uncomfortable silence descended, enough so that even Marissa seemed to sense it. She started to get up but fidgeted around some. Anna couldn’t see it, but she knew it was happening. Seth and Ryan communicating through their eyes, their bodies. Whole conversations have taken place this way. She hates it. She doesn’t know how Marissa stands it. She looked out the corner of her eyes to see Marissa standing now, staring out the window, arms crossed, hugging herself as she waited. Waited for her boyfriend to finish eye-fucking Anna’s boyfriend.

She stood up abruptly and turned around to see Seth repositioning himself, Ryan leaning over, almost on top of him. She never knew she could feel so much hate and jealousy. It burned, it really did, as if she could shoot fire from her very eyes and incinerate Ryan on the spot.

It hadn’t always been like this. She and Seth had become official right after Valentine’s. She had waited out his stupid Summer crush and his awkward first stage maneuvering. It was really lame, but it’s true what they say. After she and Seth got together, she had wanted to spend all her time with him. It was like that at first, Anna and Seth at the movies, Anna and Seth at the Cove, Anna and Seth at the ComicCon in San Diego. Except it became Anna and Seth and Ryan and Marissa at lame ass parties, at school activities, monthly high society charity events and on and on. They couldn’t even be at his house without Ryan and Marissa converging on them. Or to be fair, they seemed to converge on Ryan and Marissa sometimes, too.

It hadn’t bothered her. Marissa was okay, reminded her a little of Seth sometimes. Ryan was quiet but seemed to make Seth happy and everything was fine, if a little monotonous. Then she started noticing things. Like the way they had to consult each other whenever all four of them went out. But it was always silent. A moment of Ryan’s gaze meeting Seth’s. Dude, you wanna go? Yeah, it could be cool. Okay. And then they would jet or not jet. She had thought is was cute, like they were really brothers. Until she realized brothers didn’t really act like that. Or the way they always seemed to know where the other one was in a room. It was like they were on each other’s radar or something.

She wanted to talk to Marissa, but she was scared it might break the other girl. She had become so fragile in the past year. So she resigned herself to the fact that Seth and Ryan had a very close relationship. She could deal. Except she couldn’t, not when Ryan knew and she really knew and Seth didn’t.

It had been some random night during Spring Break. Some genius had scheduled it right before midterms so that they couldn’t even enjoy it. The four of them had been taking a study break. Marissa and Seth had been trying to smash each other to bits. Each of them concentrating so hard, she thought one of the controllers would break. They were both whooping and promising bloody retribution. She had just come from the kitchen to get a drink and she saw Ryan. He was lounging behind them, touching both of them. His right hand was lightly holding Marissa’s braid and brushing the ends against her neck, tickling her. His left hand was gently twirling a wavy curl behind Seth’s ear through his fingertips, as if he were testing its silky softness. She must have made a sound or something because Ryan had looked up at her then. He wasn’t smiling or smirking, but he was sending her a message. He didn’t stop touching Seth or Marissa. He was claiming them, looking at her calmly, letting her know, willing her to accept it.

A triumphant cry from Seth broke their eye contact. Marissa threw the controller playfully at Seth and blew him a raspberry while he continued to crow gleefully in victory.

"Your girlfriend is a sore loser, buddy."

"Hey! Ryan was distracting me." Marissa protested.

Seth shook his head and clicked his tongue at her like an old woman.

"Now that’s just sad." Seth dodged Marissa’s arm as she made to smack him a good one. Ryan looked at both of them indulgently, petting them both, as if they were two small children squabbling to get their favorite uncle’s attention.

Anna had cleared her throat loudly, unwilling to watch this slightly creepy scene progress any further.

"Ah, there’s my girl, and with drink to quench the thirst of the conquering hero." Seth really said the most absurd things sometimes. They had spent the rest of the night watching movies and playing video games. All their studying ended up being crammed into Sunday night, procrastination at its best.

So that had been the first time she had noticed Ryan’s inclinations towards Seth. There wasn’t anything really blatant, but an undercurrent was always present, a touch here, a lingering look there, nothing that couldn’t be excused under the guise of a really close friendship. She had wanted Seth so much, that she told herself it didn’t matter if Ryan had more than brotherly feelings for his not quite brother. As long as Seth didn’t return them she could be mature about it.

But then she realized that it wasn’t just Ryan. Seth touched him just a little too much, the way he constantly enveloped Ryan in those enthusiastic bear hugs, how he leaned in a little too closely while whispering something to him and how Seth’s smile always got just a little bit brighter when Ryan bestowed one of his rare smiles.

"Seth, we just aren’t …" she trailed off, resentment surging wildly within her at the fact that Ryan couldn’t even give them this. She looked at him then, pinned him with a glare full of bitterness.

He looked back at her silently, as if asking her not to do it. Asking her not to hurt Seth.

She looked down then.

"We’ll wait outside for you." Ryan ushered Marissa outside.

"You heard them, we can’t miss the first party of the summer. Let’s go." He used his fake, cheery confident voice, the one that sometimes cracked, because Seth Cohen is not an actor. He can’t hide his feelings.

He got up and did that funny half Cabbage Patch, half swervy goofy dance move and gallantly held out his arm to her. Like he did at her Cotillion. Pressure built behind her eyes. She furiously wiped away a stray tear that fell on her cheek.

"Seth, you don’t love me. And I can’t be with someone who’s going to pretend – "

"Of course I love you, what are you talking about?" Seth looked genuinely perplexed.

"No, you don’t. Who’s the first person you think about in the mornings? Who was the first person you told about Barcelona? Who’s always the first person you go to? I know it’s not me."

Seth had an exasperated expression on his face.

"Anna, he’s my best friend. My parents are his legal guardians, we’re bro – "

"He’s not your brother! He’s just some guy that lives with you and eats your parents’ food." Anger at his avoidance of the question and the fact that he didn’t deny it made her vicious.

"You’re obsessed with him. You can barely pay attention to anyone else when he’s in the room," she continued, almost relieved at finally being able to have it out.

"You’re serious about this, I can’t believe you’re serious about this …," Seth threw his hands up in the air, "Okay, you got it. Ryan is persona non grata. He’ll be the invisible boy. I won’t even pass him the cereal at breakfast."

"Don’t make this a joke."

"I’m not joking, Anna, I don’t even …" Seth stopped abruptly. A guilty flush swept over his face, "Right after Saturday, I promise, Ryan won’t exist, I swear …"

Anna turned her back, ready to go. It was hopeless. She felt arms grab her and turn her around. Seth turned her face up gently towards his.

"It’s just, he’s going to visit his brother in prison, and I didn’t want … he shouldn’t go alone. I mean, he hasn’t seen him in over a year, you know?" Seth pleaded for understanding.

"Why do you have to go?" she demanded.

"I’m all he has, Anna." He looked at her a little reproachfully.

"No, you’re not. It’s exactly the opposite. Ryan has his soccer buddies, he has Marissa … who do you have?" she yelled at him.

"I thought I had you," he said softly, brokenly. Seth moved his head to the side, tilted down at an angle. It was something he always did when he felt particularly at a loss, as if he wanted to be anywhere else than where he was. It always seemed like it was a slow motion reaction to a slap. He let her go.

"Well, I thought I had you, too. Looks like we were both wrong." She was tired. There wasn’t any more fight in her. Seth sat down on the edge of the coffee table, head in his hands, a picture of sad resignation.

She turned and walked out of the house. She saw the burning tip of a cigarette and a shadowy silhouette leaning against a pillar … Ryan.

"Congratulations, he’s all yours." She didn’t slow down as she walked past him."

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