Not alone

by M. F. Luder (mfluder@ec-red.com)

Title: Not alone
Author: M. F. Luder
Email: mfluder@ec-red.com
Pairing: Ryan/Seth
Rating: PG-13
Category: Angst, dead character.
Summary: It's when you miss someone that you realize you can lean on
Author's note: Written for 15minuteficlets for their Word #50. It was far too angsty not to be written.

He doesn't know why he does this to himself.

But he remembers.

He remembers Sandy's smile and slight nod when Ryan called him that first time. Ryan was surprised to see the lawyer arriving at the bus stop in black sedan. He was even shocked when Sandy said, "Get in."

Ryan sighs, hand clutching the cigarette, and the nicotine in his lungs, the bitter taste on his ton is not enough.

It would probably never be enough.

Ryan sees Kirsten confused eyes as she stand in the cell, waiting for Ryan to be brought to her. He remembers the way she looked at him, the worry he saw in those blue eyes, worry Ryan hadn't even seen in his own mother's eyes.

Ryan shakes his head. It's stupid to remember.

"If you want to be part of this family, you will not leave or talk to anybody unless Kirsten or I say it's okay."

Ryan had wanted to snort when Sandy had said that. No one had ever put boundaries on Ryan. No one had ever told him what to do, or when to do it. But that was the only way he'd be able to be part of the Cohens, and Ryan knew he wanted to be anything but.

And now, they had left.

His eyes hurt, they sting, and Ryan closes them shut.

He clutches the cigarette tighter, taking a long drag. He reaches the butt and lights another one.

It was so stupid, so pointless.

A car accident.

Ryan snorts.

His father left him for prison, choosing to rob a couple of cars instead of being a parent to his two sons.

His mother had chosen men who raise their hands at women and children, instead of caring for him when he was sick.

Trey had preferred getting high, getting plastered, or getting laid, instead of being a brother.

Ryan knows what it is to be abandoned, he knows what it is to be left behind, but neither of those times had hurt as much as it hurts now.

Sandy's words, still fresh in his ears.

Kirsten's reassurance, after Ryan had gotten into a fight and had been certain he'd be kicked out of the house.

They had been parents. They had been parents to Ryan.

It wasn't the name, or the blood, or even the time that related Ryan to them.

It was love. As simple as that.

Love.

And now, they are gone.

Ryan's head hangs low.

They are gone.

He feels a hand on his shoulder, and his throat tightens.

Ryan had left the living room, not being able to stay in the house for another moment. The driveway had seemed safe.

"I know."

Ryan's eyes are filling with tears, and he tells himself he will not cry.

"Ryan..."

He turns around, opening his eyes, and he blinks away the tears. He can feel them falling down his cheeks.

Seth's eyes are red, his lip is trembling, and he's shaking his head.

"Ryan--"

Seth doesn't finish his sentence. Ryan's arms go around Seth, holding him tight against his chest.

There's trembling, and Ryan doesn't know who is.

"Oh, god."

There's a sob, and another one follows. In a moment, Ryan's grip on Seth is so tight, he fears he'll hurt the boy. Nails dig on his sides, and Ryan doesn't feel the pain. His body is numb.

"Shh..."

He tries to calm Seth down, he tries to console him. He's lost practice, he doesn't know how to protect, how to be a parent anymore.

But Seth doesn't need a parent; he needs someone who understands him.

Ryan understands.

"They are gone."

A whisper, and it breaks Ryan's heart all over again.

"I know."

Seth pulls away, cheeks wet with tears and eyes puffy and red. His mouth opens and closes, trying to say something.

"I know."

Seth nods.

Ryan sighs, wiping a way his cheek. He will not cry.

But he can't stop himself.

He leans over, kissing Seth. Seth's hands move to his hair, tight and almost painful.

"I love you," Ryan whispers against Seth's lips.

Seth answers back, voice muffled, and then places his face on the crook of Ryan's neck.

Ryan holds him close.

Sandy and Kirsten are gone. Ryan knows he can't do anything about it, but remember them the way they were. Smiles and love, tender looks and patience to both their sons.

Ryan swallows with difficulty.

He looks down at Seth, a small smile on his lips. He doesn't know how he'd be able to go through this, if not for Seth.

His gaze shifts to the house.

His first home. The place where he found his family, and later on, his love.

He lets out a shaky sigh.

When Seth pulls away, his hand moves to caress Ryan's cheek. "I thought..."

"Don't worry."

Seth nods, turning around in Ryan's arms. His leans back. "The house..."

Ryan sighs.

"It's ours now..."

He nods.

"I don't know if I can live here."

Ryan feels the same way. That house is too much Sandy's and Kirsten's.

But, at the same time, it's theirs.

They met there, in the living room, fourteen years ago.

Their first kiss was in the pool house, in their senior year.

The first time they made love was in Ryan's bed, before they finished school.

"There's so much of us there."

Ryan nods, kissing Seth's cheek.

"I'll do what you want," Ryan whispers.

Seth smiles, swallowing thickly. His eyes are still red, but he's face seems more relaxed. "I want to be here, with you...." He sighs. "They left it to us."

"All right, then."

Seth nods, and Ryan kisses him.

In Seth's arms, Ryan feels at home. Even now, Ryan doesn't feel alone anymore.

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