Ryan and Seth

by Vera (l_vera05@yahoo.com.au)

Title: Ryan and Seth
Author: Vera
Email: l_vera05@yahoo.com.au
Pairing: *drum roll* Ryan/Seth, PG
Notes: This is about the boys, but from Kirsten's POV.
Summary: It's always been Ryan and Seth.

There's no reason for Kirsten to think this. It's not something she's ever considered; the boys are both eighteen and Marissa, Anna & Summer are still a part of their lives, even though the relationships have run their course.

She slips into the room slowly, careful not to disturb them. Onscreen there's a flash of leather and the *schick* of claws that reminds her of Seth's announcement at dinner that it was an X-Men marathon night. It was a clear warning to both Sandy and her to stay away. Ryan rolled his eyes and called the remote.

Ryan and Seth. She watches Ryan now, sprawled on the couch. She remembers when he sat carefully, like he was waiting to be asked to leave. Onscreen, Wolverine and Cyclops are arguing. Seth is enraptured, sprawled on the other side of the couch and Ryan is watching *him*.

Enraptured too. In Seth. In anyone else she'd call that look tender, but Ryan doesn't know how to be that without being claustrophobic, or at least that's the story Julie is going with. Her avid retelling of Marissa's break-up with Ryan is still her favorite conversation piece.

A flash of movement on screen and Seth leans precariously forward on the couch. He's seen this dozens of times at least, yet it's still like the first time. He doesn't even notice when the pillow falls to the floor. Ryan does and grins to himself. He leans down and snags it. Seth doesn't notice a thing. Then there's an explosion on screen and it's enough to capture Ryan's attention too. She makes her escape while she can, slipping out and closing the door behind her.

Kirsten doesn't sleep, sits awake instead while Sandy snores happily next to her. She knows he won't care; he sees too much everyday to even have Ryan's sexuality matter.

Ryan. Not Seth. She holds on to that, tells herself she's overreacting. There's always been Summer and maybe she'd have thought it once. But, then there was Summer *and* Anna and she thought, now, there would be Seth's first date, kiss, break-up, make-up everything she's wanted for him. She's not remotely naive enough to think that all of that would be nearly as painful and as innocent as she hopes it will be. But the alternative, thinking, *knowing* Seth as sexually active, is hardly as attractive. Nor Ryan...and then Kirsten wishes desperately her mind would just *stop* because there are best and worst case scenarios that play out in her head in technicolour and pain and even happiness for both Seth and Ryan... until her mind does stop and she sleeps.

She jerks awake suddenly, wrenched from sleep by the same thing she fell asleep worrying about. Glances at the clock, it's 2:30am. She rises quietly, careful not to disturb Sandy. She has to check on the boys, she always does. True to form Seth's asleep on the couch, a blanket over him.

Ryan's different. He always goes to bed and she always checks on him.

There's still a light in the pool house, Ryan's standing in the doorway, looking out toward the pool. It's warm outside, the tiles cool against her bare feet. He doesn't hear her, not until she's right next to him. He looks up at her startled.

"It's 2:30," she says. He smiles thinly, shrugs.

"I can't sleep."

He looks at her, awkward a little and she hates it. It's too much of a reminder of when he first came to them and he looked at her afraid. She sighs, the sound loud in the stillness of the night. He's changed though, her family's changed. She's changed. Sandy laughs sometimes about letting her go impulse shopping more and she'll laugh with him. But she'll never press him on that, because she understands how blinkered most of her life has been, how most of it seems to be a joke now. She wants to *blame* someone. Not Sandy because she knew the type of man he was when she married him. Ryan...she looks at him. He's still a boy, and it's self-indulgent, convenient even to leave this at his feet.

"Is everything okay?" Ryan asks quizzically.

"You should be in bed," she says.

"Soon," he promises earnestly, and he's *picked* that up from Seth. That tilt of his chin that she could believe if she allowed herself too. Kirsten shakes her head, relents.

"Okay." She means to go back in the house even manages a few steps before she turns back to him. He's concerned now, his brow furrowed.

"You know this is your home, right?" she says softly. Doesn't wait for him to say anything, because she knows she won't get through this if he does. "You can...whatever you want Ryan, you know you're a part of this family right? Nothing's going to change that."

He looks scared now and Kirsten knows she's screwed this up. She always does when she tries to do this, especially with him. Seth will believe her eventually; Ryan will fight her words, pick them apart and look for that part that's going hurt.

"It's okay," she murmurs finally, when he looks down at his feet and all of sixteen again. She wants to say more, but doesn't. Leave him instead and walks up to the house where she watches him until he goes inside and the light in the pool house goes off.

It's months later, when Kirsten thinks she must have overreacted, that Ryan comes out to Sandy and her. He looks small at the breakfast table, hunched in his seat. Doesn't look up, like he still expects it to hurt, so if he makes himself small enough it won't matter. He doesn't do that, not unless he's truly *afraid*.

Sandy recovers first, tightens his grip on the coffee mug. He says all the things she knew he would, hugs Ryan awkwardly from behind, his hand across his shoulders because Ryan won't turn around.

She knows him well enough to know that he will believe Sandy. He always has. But she's different; everything between them has been fought for every step of the way. She doesn't want him to have to *fight* for this. Kirsten prays she does this right.

"It's okay," she murmurs, her chair scraping back loudly. He looks up then, tracks her as she walks around the table to him, and please let this work.

"It's okay, I promise," she says. Her hand is awkward on his shoulder until he rises and she hugs him tight.

She almost doesn't hear his question.

"What about Seth?"

He tells Seth alone, because Sandy is right, they don't need to make Seth feel like they're on the attack. It's jarring to think that Seth would let anything get between him and Ryan, but Kirsten knows what goes on at that school, what her son goes through. Ryan does too, which is why he agrees to tell him alone. She and Sandy watch from the house – they're the back up.

Down below at the pool, Seth and Ryan are talking. Sandy's nervous, he keeps reaching for her, like he used to do before Seth was born.

"He'll be okay," Sandy says, and he even sounds reassuring.

"I know he'll be okay," she returns. He loves Ryan and God knows, they've saved each other from too many things.

Below Seth starts at something Ryan says, tries to pull away from Ryan, and Kirsten's heart beats a little faster. Wonders if they shouldn't be down there. But Ryan is too fast for Seth and he catches a gesticulating arm and holds Seth tight.

Please, please, she thinks, not even realizing she's speaking out loud until Sandy pulls her close, his arm heavy around her waist.

Seth's not struggling anymore, he's the one who's small now. Ryan tugs on his arm and Seth stumbles closer. She wishes she could hear, and at the same time she doesn't. She wants to tell them both that everything will be okay, tomorrow she will.

Below, Ryan doesn't let go of Seth and Seth isn't struggling to get free either. She hopes it's enough.

"So do you have a boyfriend yet? Come to think of it, there's not much of a selection here. Between the sexually repressed jocks and the...sexually repressed jocks," Seth pauses, his butter knife in one hand, his toast in the other, "where are you going to get a decent date in this place?"

Ryan's red, his spoon still hovering in mid-air, the milk dripping off it. She's just glad he didn't actually take that bite of cereal. Sandy however isn't so lucky. She leans over, pats his back once the coughing starts.

"Do you want some juice, Dad?" Seth asks concerned. Sandy looks at him, eyes watery but Seth just shrugs. "What?"

Ryan's still red, but he's grinning behind his hand and Sandy too, in-between gulps of juice. Seth looks studiously bewildered.

Kirsten knows that look well, it's the one she got when he spilled grape juice on oriental cushions in the living room and when she found the charred patch on her Persian rug. They have yet to figure out how he did that. And Ryan's laughing hard now.

It's good. She shoots a smile at Seth. That's her boy.

It's a week later that Ryan mentions Joey at dinner.

"Umm, he asked me out," Ryan mumbles into his pasta, the mop of blonde hair falling over his eyes. She appreciates his honesty – their ground rules for both the boys haven't changed in years – and it's not about to now. Across the table from her, Sandy grins, winks at her.

"Joey?" he says the name innocently. "Joey, of Saturday night last week who was kind enough to drop you off after work?"

"Yeah, that's him. He's been making sure we get the same shifts." Ryan looks up, smiles shyly.

"A romantic," Kirsten clears her throat and is rewarded with the same shy smile. That boy's still in there, the boy Ryan told her he wanted to be. She can't help the smile back.

"He's two years older than you."

Seth announces Joey's age flatly. Angry, too, though he's focusing hard on his pasta. Seth is never angry, not with Ryan, not like this, and Kirsten wonders if it's been too easy after all.

"Yes, he is," Ryan croaks. Stares at Seth intently, until Seth looks up at him.

"I'm just saying, dude. Rules, remember? And he's older, and it's your first boyfriend right?" Seth says.

"I think that would be a good thing, considering one of us should know what they're doing," Ryan shoots back. Seth chokes this time, and Sandy shoots him a warning glance. But it's too late, because Ryan's excusing himself, the door slamming shut as he retreats to the pool house.

"You will apologize to him." Sandy's voice is cold and angry and like Seth's temper, she knows to ride it out.

"I will not," Seth shoots back. "Joey is *twenty* and if this were an older woman we would still be having this conversation."

Seth gathers his plate, pushes his chair back.

"Seth, sit down," she wades into this. He obeys, just barely perching on the edge of the chair.

"Is this going to be a problem for you? Ryan, I mean?" Kirsten asks quickly before Sandy can say anything. She earns a patented Seth eye-roll for her trouble.

"Mom, I'm not a bigot. I'm worried about him. I mean, half the girls in school are in love with him, not to mention half the guys...that would be the sexually repressed half..."

"And you would know this how?" she croaks.

"I spend all my time with him, and most everyone thinks I'm gay anyway. I'm the one that gets called queer and he's the one they lust after. "

Kirsten takes a moment to consider that Ryan's being lusted after, and that Seth's noticed and sounds jealous. She risks a glance at Sandy, but he's concentrating on Seth and for the first time, Kirsten hopes he didn't notice anything.

"I just want to make sure that he doesn't get hurt again, that he's careful." Seth rises from the table tiredly, glances at Ryan's empty seat.

"Where are you going?" Sandy's voice is sharp, stark contrast to Seth's tired answer.

"To grovel, offer my first born, my first edition Xmen...you know the usual..."

That's her boy.

Joey is lean, tanned with a mop of dark hair that makes her want to brush it away from his eyes. Ryan introduces them after work when Joey drops him off at home. Joey's home for the summer and Kirsten thinks there's no way he reminds her of Seth because for one, he doesn't know the first thing about Playstations. She knows a summer romance when she sees it, but to his credit, Joey seems to be completely besotted with Ryan. She invites him to dinner, watches them together – never far away enough to be apart. Kirsten suppresses the urge to giggle when Ryan guides Joey to the seat next to him with a hand on his elbow.

Sandy takes one look at Ryan tapping his fingers nervously on the table and charms Joey completely. God knows it works well enough in the courtroom. Seth, she admits does try. Common ground, for about ten minutes seems to be the new Batman movie before the grunting starts and Ryan's fingers begin their familiar beat against the tabletop. Joey studiously ignores them both when Sandy brings up the safe topic of Joey's school, UCLA. The conversation is enough to last until the end of dinner when Ryan walks Joey out to his car. Seth goes up to his room. She waits a beat before the door slams.

"So who won?" Sandy asks dryly. She manages a thin smile for him, and thinks about telling him about her suspicions. But then it'll be real and they'll have to deal with it and no one's told her how to do this.

So Ryan dates Joey and Seth mutters every now and then something about cliches and Dawson's Creek. Much to his horror, she and Sandy allow Joey down to the pool house at night. She points out they allowed it with Marissa and that infuriates him more. She relishes the argument because she wants him to snap out of it, to show her that she's wrong. That he doesn't want Ryan. That thought beats down on her painfully, like the fact that Ryan could make him happy.

The house becomes this place where Ryan and Seth pass each other around Sandy and herself. Joey doesn't stop at the house anymore before he goes down to Ryan. She doesn't blame him. Seth's stomping grows louder and her son becomes less and less each day.

Seth wants Ryan, she thinks one evening as he waits for Ryan to get home from a date. Joey has plans to take Ryan away for the weekend, Ryan's asked her for permission to go already. It was easy to say yes, especially when he looked so eager. She's the one that asked Sandy though, called him at the office to talk to him about the weekend while Seth bounced around her and Rosa in the kitchen looking for a snack. She could tell herself she wasn't thinking. That it just slipped out, just then.

She isn't sure she's ever seen Seth so determined. He stomped off without a backward glance when Sandy agreed and she volunteered to tell Ryan. It's more now, the wanting that emanates from Seth.

Sandy gets home before Ryan. Goes up to shower and hasn't been downstairs since. Neither has Seth. Kirsten refuses to go upstairs and find out what's happening. She watches the coffee drip slowly, the sound loud in the quiet kitchen like Sandy's voice behind her.

"I just talked to Seth..."

He looks a little bewildered, eyes too wide and Kirsten realizes, he knows. Seth's MO is usually Sandy and then Sandy comes to her. It's worked perfectly for years.

"He kept saying he was worried about Ryan, and I thought maybe Ryan wasn't spending enough time with him. I told him Joey would be gone soon and that Ryan would always be his friend, no matter what. And I kept thinking that this speech wasn't as hard when Anna broke up with him."

He sounds lost now, and Kirsten thinks this isn't fair. She wants him to tell her what to do, what to say, to follow his lead.

Kirsten sighs.

"He likes Ryan." She's relieved that he doesn't sound angry, that it's a statement of fact like she's seen him deliver in court dozens of times.

"Is this going to be a problem for us?"

His eyes narrow, calculating.

"I don't know, is it?"

"Don't do that," Kirsten mutters when he answers her with a question. "This isn't a courtroom. This is Seth and Ryan."

"So what, Seth's gay too?" he asks. She knows what he means. It was easy to overlook when Seth started applying to the same universities because Ryan did. She wishes it were that easy now.

"What was he supposed to do, Sandy?" she retorts, angry that he's the one that gets to be confused about this. "Oh and by the way Mom, Dad, I'm gay too," she mimics.

Sandy snorts, rubs his hand over his eyes.

"Ryan just said it first, that's all."

She takes a deep breath. Her voice softens a little now because Sandy's reaching for her, his arms resting around her waist. She doesn't resist.

"Ryan makes him happy, you know that."

She wants it to be that simple. With her and Sandy it can be. The rest of the world can wait awhile.

"What about Ryan?" Sandy asks suddenly.

"He feels the same way," she says certain. He looks at her skeptically. "Look at them, Sandy. Look at Ryan."

Sandy shakes his head confused.

"When they're together, when there's no Joey or Anna or Marissa. You know it's always been Ryan and Seth."

"What if you're wrong ?" he asks carefully.

"Then I'm wrong. Either way, we can't go on like this."

"Then you're okay with this?" he asks, his hands cradling her face gently. She smiles at him, gives him the truth. It's easier than she expects. These are her boys. How is she supposed to deny them this chance?

"I think they might make each other happy. That's what I'm okay with."

He smiles at her answer, Kirsten thinks she might have done *this* right after all.

"Okay," he says, his voice a little rough, "so what do we do now?"

She tells him what she thinks, her plan, in a steady voice, her hands running down his back as if she could soothe this night away. She hopes he doesn't feel her hands shaking.

Sandy agrees, he does convince her to wait though, hopes Ryan and Seth might work this out on their own. Neither of them are quite prepared for how it does work out.

It's late when Seth storms into the house, slamming the door hard. He disappears upstairs quickly. Ryan follows after and she can hear them upstairs.

"Umm, Mrs. Cohen?" Joey peers in the door at her.

"Joey, come in," she says quickly. She notices his shirt is untucked and that the buttons aren't done properly. She realizes Ryan's was too.

"Could you tell Ryan I went home?" he asks. Poor boy, she nods simply, wants him as far away as he can be when Ryan comes down. He says goodbye, and disappears into the night.

Kirsten puts on the TV until upstairs is quiet and she can hear Ryan come downstairs. She's still there when Sandy comes home.

"Where is everyone?" he asks cautiously. She smiles at him thinly until he understands.

"Now?" he asks.

She nods.

Sandy goes to Seth because Seth will listen to him no matter the volume of words they'll throw at each other. It's with her that Seth will argue.

Ryan. He's in the pool house, the acrid scent of smoke in the air.

"Hi." He looks up at her.

"Hi."

She sits next to him on those stools that no one seems to use but him when he needs to think.

"Is Seth okay?" he asks tentatively. She nods, reassuringly, she hopes.

"Sandy's talking to him...Joey had to go home," she offers. Ryan winces. "I'm sorry," she says. And she is. No matter what, she thinks Ryan liked Joey, who of all things just asked him out because he liked Ryan.

"He walked in on us," Ryan says, glances at her furtively. "We were kissing, that's all...and Seth..." Ryan gestures at nothing. Or everything. No eighteen-year-old should have to look so tired.

"You should tell him...how you feel. He's jealous..." she says a matter-of-factly. The tips of his ears are red now and Ryan closes his mouth with an audible click.

"It's okay, if you want...this..."

Ryan rises abruptly, and she catches him quickly, his hand in hers. Calloused, warm. He's in love with her son. He jerks it away.

"It's okay ?" he croaks in disbelief. "What is? Seth? Somehow that's not the impression I got."

"Then do something about it," she says steadily.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he asks, his face pained.

"I mean Seth is jealous of Joey and I know he's in love with you," she plunges ahead, all her carefully planned words useless. She strives hard to keep her voice steady. "You need to tell him how you feel. Sandy and I...we'll be here for you, both of you..."

She feels like one of the parent self-help books she used to read before she started trusting her instincts. An incessant tide of platitudes that do no good.

"Is this...what is this your blessing?" he sneers. She nods jerkily, holds her ground.

"Seth is in love with you," she whispers.

Ryan's eyes narrow. Hard. "When I was fifteen I sucked off my mom's boyfriend of the month in the bathroom while she was hung over."

Kirsten closes her eyes, so he doesn't see the pity in them. He laughs and it's a cold sound.

"You said Joey..."

"I said Joey wanted to go out with me. It was cute really. I mean actually getting to know someone before fucking them."

She flinches at that, rises to face him, because she knows any sign of weakness and it's over.

"When I was sixteen, before Sandy decided to play at being good Samaritan, Trey got high with a couple of his buddies. It was a long weekend, I was never quite sure who fucked me or who I fucked..."

His voice is hoarse, he's crying a little and so is she.

"Do you want to know about juvie?"

She shakes her head mutely, but he doesn't see. His hand over his eyes, his shoulders are shaking now. She wonders if he ever gets tired of being the strong one.

"I'll hurt him. If I'm with him, and when I touch him and when I fuck him..."

His head snaps back when she slaps him.

"Don't."

He looks at her, surprise etched into the line of his face. They don't say anything for a long time.

"I think you're lying," she says, her voice trembling only just. He tries to pull away but she holds on, her fingers digging into corded muscle.

"Not all of it," he breathes. She doesn't ask which was the lie. She won't. "It doesn't matter..."

"Of course it matters. You live here, Seth lives here..."

"What are you afraid of?" she says. These excuses are pale shadows because she knows this boy. Ryan's face crumples a little and he looks so *young*.

"Seth."

The answer doesn't surprise her. Ryan loves completely. No wonder Marissa found him claustrophobic. Her love comes with conditions. That's what Julie taught her.

"He loves you," she says simply. Prays he'll believe her because she doesn't know what else to say anymore.

"I'll hurt him..."

"Dude, she's the mom. Don't mess with the mom."

Seth. He lounges in the doorway, like he belongs there. But there are lines in the corner of his eyes, and his mouth, like Sandy's is a thin line. Ryan brushes past her, but there's nowhere to go.

"We could always move if you want," Seth says carefully. "Or maybe Berkley isn't such a bad idea after all."

Seth offers her a tired smile, comes in to stand at Ryan's shoulder. Ryan doesn't turn, but Kirsten doesn't stay long, just enough to see Seth with his hand on Ryan's shoulder and that Ryan isn't pulling away. She slips out, shuts the door. Walks into a warm body, arms that hold her. Her body recognizes Sandy, even if her head doesn't.

"What did he say?" she asks after a while.

"He says he's in love," Sandy says. "Practically bounced up and down when I didn't bite his head off."

She holds him tighter.

"What about Ryan?"

"He's scared." She feels Sandy tense. "He'll be okay though."

Sandy relaxes into her arms.

She goes to check on them later...because she's their mom and she needs to know that everything is okay. She pads down to the pool house quietly. Inside they're tangled on the bed, asleep. Seth who sleeps across most beds has his arm tucked around Ryan. He's drooling on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan isn't in any hurry to escape.

That's her boy.

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