So much more
by M. F. Luder (mfluder@ec-red.com)
Title: So much more
Author: M. F. Luder
Email: mfluder@ec-red.com
Pairing: Ryan/Seth
Rating: PG-13
Category: Romance
Summary: Ryan knows about many things, but not about love
Author's note: Actually, I wrote this for 15minuteficlets
for their Word #51.
I saw the challenge, and this happened. Hope you all like it.
When he wakes up, the sun is shining brightly. So bright, his eyes hurt, and he has to place his hand over them.
On the way to school, riding by Seth's side, the green of the grass blurs into nothingness.
He knows about admiration.
He used to look up to Claire. She was five years older than Ryan. He met her through his brother; Trey always had the coolest friends.
She was the only woman in Trey's group, and she could do anything any boy could. She picked cars in five seconds, and rode fast and hard. She was beautiful, with long black hair that fell to her slim waist. She always wore tight clothes with a low cut, showing off her cleavage.
Every man lusted after her.
Including Ryan.
When she tilted her head, eyes glancing at Ryan one night in his garage, and she walked towards him, hips swinging from side to side, Ryan knew she had made his choice.
"Dude?"
Ryan turns around, blinking at Seth. "Huh?"
Seth frowns. "Dude, you okay?"
Ryan looks around him. They've reached school, the car is parked and Seth's is waiting for Ryan. Ryan coughs, picks up his backpack and jumps off the car. He slams the door.
"Lets go."
*****
He knows about puppy love.
He felt that with Teresa.
They had known each other so long, so good, the only thing left was to get together. So they did that.
They would kiss, and they would sleep together, and Ryan would ask how she felt, if she liked it, and then they'd go downstairs, to his living room, and watch TV.
There was never foreplay, or romance, or even many feelings involved.
They were good together, so they staid together.
But puppy love doesn't last, and Ryan knew this a month after he moved into the Cohens and only then remembered he hadn't told Teresa he had left.
This isn't puppy love.
"What do you want for dinner?"
Ryan looks up from his book, and doesn't remember which line he read last. He blinks, running his fingers through his eyes as a cover.
"I was thinking about pizza, coz, well, pizza is so cool dude." Seth shrugs. "Maybe Chinese, if dad is in the mood. Mom might want something a little bit more spicy, like Thai or something like that." Seth grimaces, shuddering, and Ryan lets himself smile. "But you hate Thai, so she won't ask that." He shrugs. "So?"
Ryan considers it. "I don't care, really."
"Dude, you gotta vote. You're either on my side, or against me."
He doesn't think he could ever be against Seth. "Sure then, pizza."
Seth grins, and for Ryan that's enough of a reward. "Pizza it is." Seth stands up from Ryan's bed and walks out, towards the kitchen. "Mom! Pizza!!"
Ryan chuckles, trailing behind, smile on his lips.
It's so easy to put a smile on Seth's lips.
*****
Then, there's the ghost of the first love.
People think they've found it, that person who will make them whole, who will complete them.
Until they are together.
That's what happened with him and Marissa.
Ryan remembers thinking everything would be fine, once he was with Marissa. He remembers wanting to make her life better, right, perfect.
He couldn't do either.
However, it doesn't last long. After a while, the perfection starts to vanish, like the fog in a stormy night, and reality creaks in between the dark clouds, and Ryan saw life the way it was; and it was ugly.
But there's one thing Ryan does know, he's never felt like this.
This hard, this much.
This deep.
Everything seems to be a hundred times more than it should.
He thinks this just might be love.
He hopes it is, because it's hard, and it weights in his chest when he sees Seth. If this isn't love, Ryan wonders if he'll be able to live with the real thing.
This is so much more than what he's felt over the years.
He thinks he is what love is about.
To watch Seth every moment, every second. To know that Seth's laughs when Ryan rolls his eyes, that Seth likes to win, but also likes to lose to Ryan. To be certain of Seth's reaction to a comment. To enjoy Seth's company, to want to be with him, to look forward to those moments.
But, mostly, to feel that his heart won't handle another smile, the shine of Seth's eyes, the way Seth touches Ryan's arm, the way Seth leans his head on Ryan's shoulder after they've studied.
He knows he loves Seth, because he knows he can't not love him.
He can't be, without Seth.
Ryan knows this, and this is much more than all he's ever felt.
This has to be real thing, because his heart bleeds when Seth looks at Summer, or touches Anna, or talks about girl.
If this isn't love, then Ryan wishes death, because there can't be anything else, anything more than this, for anyone.
Ryan doesn't think he could live through it.
And he likes this.
He likes knowing Seth, he likes watching Seth. And he likes loving Seth.
It's... easy, in a way that nothing else was ever so easy. It's easy to love Seth, because Seth loves him back. Maybe not in the magnitude of Ryan's love, but he does love him back. And for Ryan, that's enough.
It's easy to love Seth, and Ryan wants nothing more but to keep on loving him.
And when Seth smiles at one of Ryan's stoic comments as they sit on Ryan's bed, Seth talking about comics and Batman and how Superman could totally kick Batman's ass, Ryan can only lean over and show Seth how easy it is to love him.
Apparently, for Seth, it was easy to love Ryan too.
To love Ryan, with his seriousness, and his jokes that only Seth understands. To love Ryan is to love his past, and the kind of man that made of Ryan. To love Ryan means to be ready to be taken care of, because Ryan can't stop being like that, being the parent. But, at the same time, be there to take care, to support, to protect.
Ryan didn't know it was easy to be loved. But it is, and Ryan loves that about Seth too.
Home - Archive - Submissions - Gallery - Last Updated - WebMistress