Here is a collection of (relatively) clean jokes, which I've collected over the years presented here, occasionally with some supporting graphics and sounds. I take no responsibility for any damage that may occur to your brain, body or equipment due to excessive laughing or boredom or otherwise due to reading or remembering of these jokes.
Heaven Is Where: The French are the chefs The Italians are the lovers The British are the police The Germans are the mechanics And the Swiss make everything run on time Hell is Where: The British are the chefs The Swiss are the lovers The French are the mechanics The Italians make everything run on time And the Germans are the police
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Another one for you -- this time out of Herdon........ ----------
REVISED RETIREMENT PLAN
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus, permitting the retention of the younger people who
represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as RAPE - (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of operation is called SCREW - (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This phase is called SHAFT - (Study of Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES - (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance), or CLAP - (Combination Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS - (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our SHIT (Special High Intensity Training).
The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
Kindergarten Teacher : To get to the other side.
Plato : For the greater good.
Karl Marx : It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli : So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chickens domain maintained.
Hippocrates : Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida : Any member of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada : Give me ten minutes with the chicken and Ill find out.
Timothy Leary : Because thats the only kind of trips the establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams : Forty-two.
Nietzsche : Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road also gazes across you.
B.F. Skinner : Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium form birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung : The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre : In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein : The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects chicken and road, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualisation of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein : Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle : To actualise its potential.
Buddha : If you meet the chicken on the road, kill it.
OR Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Howard Cosell : It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annuals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian bi-ped with the temerity to attempt such a Herculean achievement > formerly regulated to homo-sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali : The fish.
Darwin : It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson : Because it would not stop for death.
Epicurus : For fun.
Saddam Hussein : This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan : I forget.
Captain James T. Kirk : To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Ralph Waldo Emerson : It didnt cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe : The external hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemmingway : To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg : We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume : Out of custom and habit.
Zeno of Elen : To prove it would never reach the other side.
Pyrrho the Sceptic : What road?
The Sphinx : You tell me.
Mr. T : If you saw me coming youd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau : To live deliberately.........and suck the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain : The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Molly Yard : It was a hen!
Louis Farrakhan : The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Martin Luther King, JR. : I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Fox Mulder : You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Richard M. Nixon : The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
Freud : The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates : I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.
Einstein : Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Michael Schumacher : It was an instinctive manouvre, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
And finally
Jack Nickolson : Cause it (censored) wanted to, thats the (censored) reason.
Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
-------------------------------
..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by
HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice
with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
..........................................................
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool
yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision
of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity,
selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to
describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology
------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close
any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands
of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal
your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty
stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy
that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
Transporter
-----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and
then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your
co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who
won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after
taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the
transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into
walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time
apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their
bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch
yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the
house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries,
stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my
house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to
arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my
walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the
good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what
I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the
commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back
before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with
the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it
would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have
to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all
the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.
There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my
time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
--------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can
create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The
characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks
from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close
the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard
to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil
massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to
go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations
ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about
it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
---------------
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with
creatures who would like to have sex with humans.
This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine
the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings,
much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly
transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for
who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You
would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what
moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
-----------------------------------
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
separate corporeal being that has been
attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred
years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek
model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I
don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically,
the future won't be that convenient.
Phasers
-------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into
unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times
a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd
zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me
at the theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It
happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by
an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the
Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien
possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to
stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence
and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the
bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's
dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him
barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a
phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean
shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise,
so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and
I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll
explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog,
a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
-------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent
human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a
human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool
to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might
have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would
save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular
design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at
someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program
myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would
appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way
I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people
talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine
during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day
long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush
of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the
look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has
something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone
wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're
at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the
casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by
saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to
the service.
Shields
-------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my
personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also
had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the
Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could
insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs
of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future.
On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
------------------------
Me: Ring this up for me, you
unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to
harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like
to open a charge account? Our interest
rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for
new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could
run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself
out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office,
you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that
means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
-----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such
thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were.
That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the
Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other
citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting
caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually
undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You
wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the
sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in
corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger
raise, but . . . erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by
HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice
with the text.
..........................................................
If you liked the free excerpt, you might want to buy The Dilbert Future.
It's in stores now. This will be a much better strategy than waiting for
the rest of the book to be sent to you by e-mail. That would be a long
wait. And best yet, you can find out for yourself what all the
controversy with Chapter 14 is about.
In a recent UK television show, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three primary reasons;
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (these are real):
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies,
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have got down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A: A jellycopter
Q:Who looks after spooks on aircraft ?
A: Air ghostesses.
A: Your truck gets fixed, your dog gets better, your woman comes back !