The list of things to do when you're shit bored and want to end it all.

   In church

1. Juggle Hymnbooks
2. Sacrifice a guniea pig on the altar
3. Go to the confession booth and describe the most
     kinky, satisfying sex scene you can think of.
4. Sing off key
5. Speak in tongues and spin your head.
6. Eat popcorn during the sermon
7. Put discount coupons in the collection plate.
8. Claim to be the true prophet of God
9. Put whoopie cushions under the cushions.
10. Stick bubblegum beneath the pews.
11. Give the vicar a sardine sandwich.
12. Mosh to Christian rock.
13. Change the words on the sign out front of the
      church from "God is with you" to "I go yoda with us" or You us with daigo".
14. Show your fangs.
15. Dominate the priest into tapdancing on the altar.

  In department stores

16. Perform for security cameras.
17. Find shop police and look suspicious for an hour.
18. Wait until someone is about to buy a book, grab
      another copy and read the last page out in their
      presence. "Ooohh..so Jade didn't die in that car crash!"
19. Go to the furniture department and scream out "I
      can't believe these crazy prices!!"
20. Start a food fight in the cafeteria.
21. Hijack the elevators and demand to go to Baghdad.
23. Try on shirts that are 5 sizes too small and
      pretend you're a hunchback.

  In a mall

24. Do communist street theatre
25. Set up a "We love nukes" stand.Come backChirac!
26. Play a kazoo and follow people until they give
      you money.
27. Pray towards the Malls Balls twice a day for a
      week.
28. Sit on the escalator handrail and pretend that
       you're sliding down in slow motion
29. Play quoits with donuts.

  At university

30. Demand higher degree fees.
31. Burn the Australian flag
32. Study.

  At a library

33. Ask why there is so little information
     concerning bushman swearwords.
34. Post a complaint requesting more batman comics
35. If someone makes the slightest sound yell "SHUT
     UP MONKEYFUCK!!!!" at them
36. Play Hide and Seek with a friend
37. Play Paintball with a friend
38. Read through a kaleidoscope
39. Put all modern political history books in the
     children's section.
40. Put all Enid Blyton books under Modern
     Political History
41. When you want to find a book, smoke it out.

  On a bus

43. Push out the window at the back if the bus
    brakes suddenly.
44. Listen to Whales singing on your boombox.
45. Sell raffle tickets as people get on the bus
46. Ring the bell at every stop.
47. Talk to the person next to you about your
     hernia operation.

  On a plane

48. Maintain the crash position at all times.
49. Snore.
50. Ask for as much beer as you can get and pour it
      in your backpack.
51. Sing Danish drinking songs when people are
     trying to sleep.
52. Buy a bottle of Baileys everytime the trolley
     comes past and drink them all before you get off.

  At a party

53. Open bottles with your butthole.
54. Smile and take photos of everything.

  At a barbecue

55. Bring your own meat; preferably fingers,
     tongues and intestines. Mmm Mmmm.
56. Burn everything.
57. Forget to bring the paper plates.
58. Bring your own ants.
59. Quote Heckle and Jeckle.

  At a medieval banquet

60. Ask Sir Lancelot to pass the salt.
61. Dial out for pizza.
62. Address the king as "Your hairyness"
63. Kill the jester.
64. Announce that you do indeed feel like chicken
       tonight.
65. Ask where the beef is.
66. Make irish jokes.

  In the pit of Hell

67. Ask people if it is, in fact, hot enough for
      them.
68. Escape.

  When taken hostage

69. Give your name, rank and cereal company.
70. Give a critique of the food and rate it from 1
      to 10
71. Call the leader a big poo poo repeatedly.
72. Sing Christmas carols.
73. Smile inanely all of the time.
74. Make tasteless puns.

  At the police station

75. Use your one phone call to order a pizza.
76. Decline to answer everything.
77. Pretend to have vital information concerning a
      serial murderer.
78. Make sure said information implicates the
       butler.
79. Whistle a happy tune.
80. Wave in the lineup "Pick me!! Pick me!!"
81. Come on to the prosecuting officer.

  In court

82. Initially plead not guilty, no matter what.
83. When asked a direct question say "I saw
      something nasty in the woodshed."
84. When asked for a detailed description of
       events, quote the Belevrly Hillbillies theme song
85. Mosh in the witness box.
86. Insist on toilet breaks every 14 minutes.
87. Answer the prosecution with bushman swearwords.
      (See! practical use!)
88. Leer at the judge
89. Make openly non-PC comments about the jury.

  In court audience

90. Dress up as Stadtler and Waldorf from the
      muppet show and act as such.
91. Take book on the outcome.

  As lawyer in court

92. Object on the grounds that the prosecution is
       using mind control.
93. Wear your wig backwards.
94. Object on the grounds that your client speaks
        only bushman swearwords (See!!)
95. Plead sanity.
96. Attempt an out-of-court settlement for 3 packs
       of chewing gum.

or 97. none of the above. Go on, just stay at home.
   watch Oprah and let your brain turn to mush.

                                    Back