While half-orcs and elves were out in the woods being eaten again and again by giant spiders, bears, ogres, and all sorts of things with bad hygeine and monosyllabic names, a fanatically brave group of gnomes from the Neverwinter Academy of Useless Things have been out scouring the world for the things adventurers want to know. Among such questions as, "Wuts fer dinner?" and "Oi, when are ye finally gonna refill me tankard, wench?" were the following, which required quite a bit more research than the above. But these great gnomes could not be stopped! Owing to a lot of unstable drugs and the prodigious reproductive rates among them, they were able to discover the answers. Observe and be amazed....
Question One: What do goblins do in their spare time?
Goblin 1: *is sitting around in the warren* I only have one hit point!
Goblin 2: *ditto* That's crap, dude. You have at least two.
Goblin 1: No, honest. I got a really crappy roll.
Goblin 2: You're kidding, right?
Goblin 1: No way. I really do.
Goblin 2: You're so full of it, dude.
Goblin 1: Okay, want me to prove it?
Goblin 2: Yeah, sure.
Goblin 1: See that doorstop over there? *walks over, stubs his toe, and dies a very messy death, his guts splattering the walls*
Goblin 2: Wow. That was sweet. I'm going to see if any of the other guys have only one hit point...
Question Two: Where did the phrase "...", so commonly used to denote speechlessness, originate?
Tempus: I am mighty. Feel my wrath! *smites mortals*
Bane: I am mighty! Feel my wrath! *smites mortals*
Helm: I am mighty! Feel my wrath! *smites mortals*
Bob: I am mighty! Feel my wrath! *fails in smiting mortals*
Bane: Dude, you suck. Stop before you hurt yourself.
Bob: Up yours, you faggoty evil dude who got owned by a mortal. I am MIGHTY!
Tempus: Sho, when do we get to shee your shpeshial power?
Bob: Er... ah... I am powerful! Indeed, I command an entire powerful species!
Tempus: Ogres?
Bane: Dragons?
Helm: Quicksilver gnomes?
Bob: No! Ants!
Tempus: . . .
Bane: . . .
Helm: . . .
Tempus: What the hell were those little dots?
Bob: Those... are ants! From now on, whenever someone enters that situation, they will spew forth a row of ants!
Tempus: Dude, this sucks scaly dragon ass.
Question 3: Why do monsters stand around in the same places over and over again, waiting to get killed?
Orc 1: I'm bored to death, man. I haven't heard an arrow fired in anger in days.
Orc 2: Orc One is so tough, he ate the hair off of a dead hobbit's feet. And asked for seconds.
Orc 1: Don't listen to any of Orc Two's bullkaka, Reader. Sometimes he thinks HE'S Drizzt Do'Urden.
Orc 2: That's it. I'm going to go do something.
Orc 1: Such as?
Orc 2: You know that place all the orcs go to stand around until they get killed?
Orc 1: But (intelligence check somehow made) isn't that dangerous?
Orc 2: Uh... dunno? Let's go anyway. We can do something to pass the time.
Orc 1: Okay. *they go*
Orc 2: Okay... bend over.
Orc 1: WHAT??!?!
Orc 2: What are you whining about?
Orc 1: Everyone knows I'm the butch.
Orc 2: What, are you stupid? I'm the butch!
Orc 1: No way! Remember that one time I caught you with the chief...
Orc 2: That was the chief, man! Everyone is the chief's bitch.
Orc 1: . . .
Orc 2: . . .
Orc 1: Damn you, Bob!
Orc 2: Oh, shit. Here come some adventurers.
And there you have it. The monsters are standing around arguing about who's bitch.
Question 4: Why do all powerful creatures who can easily smack the heroes come to the heroes to ask for their help?
Dragon Teacher: So you see, architecture is a beautiful, wonderful thing. Gothic, Victorian, Georgian... they are all beautiful!
Dragon; You know, he's right. We are cultured, educated dragons who appreciate the beauty of houses and things.
(Years later)
Thief: Heehee that dragon fumbled his listen roll so I stole his priceless treasure! The fourteen thieves before me died for a good cause!
Dragon: Oh, shit, someone stole my shiny. Better get it back. (later) Crap! He's hiding in a sewer. Better get down there to .... wait a second! That's a beautiful post-Lichite sewer complete with rat vents and glop collectors. If I squeezed in, I'd surely damage some of the beautiful features! Hmm... what's small enough to fit inside? I know! Adventurers! I'll go rustle some up!
Dragon: *flies over the local tavern* Ahoy, adventurers! You must slay a thief for me and take back my stolen bauble! Or suffer the consequences! (I really hope they don't call my bluff... it would so suck if I had to admit I can't be brought to burn down such lovely architecture. Look, that slum house comes with a wino! They haven't done that for years!)
Adventurer Mage: d00d lol no woris well kill him adn take his phat l3wt!11 *he runs off to the sewer and throw fireballs everywhere, and comes back with only a slightly singed item*
Dragon: Oh thank goodness! My autographed Christina Aguilera doll!
Adventurer: d00d gime glod n XP!11
Dragon: You roasted that beautiful sewer? My beautiful rat vents! Noooo! *burninates the town*
Local: Aw, hail no! I just redid my hovel!
Question 5: Why do some characters, regardless of class, alignment, or background (background optional, of course) act exactly like their player would in any given situation?
Player: Cool! I just bought NWN. This is way rad! I can’t wait to play it.
Player: *creates a character by hitting ‘recommend’ a lot and enters a game*
Gnondimir Bevelorx: (Shout) Cool! I just bought NWN. This is way rad! I can’t wait to play ti.
Gnondimir Bevelorx: (Shout) *it.
Okay, so that doesn’t explain anything. Let’s try again.
Borin Thunderaxe: ‘Oy there, laddy. Me name’s Borin. What’s yers?
Gnondimir Bevelorx:
My name is Gdnimr Bevlrorx. Are you from
Hmm… that didn’t work, either. One last try.
Player: I’m a dumbass and can’t play any character other than me. And I even play me poorly.
And there you have it.
Question 6: Why do some drow act just like any other character?
Elf: Gee, I wonder what would happen if I played in this black paint, then washed my hair with lye?
Question 7: Why do all druids act the same?
Druid Machine: DRUID X-4846 CELEBRIL BARKLEAFTREESILVER CREATED.
Celebril Barkleaftreesilver: *runs off the assembly line* Praise be to Silvanus! I must go save my woodland friends!
Question 8: What are the villagers really thinking?
Chicken Farmer: Oh, crap. Here come some adventurers. They’re going to kill my chickens for XP. Bastards.
Chicken: Holy shi-
Tavern Owner: Heheh. Fresh meat. I hope one of them’s a newbie who likes to spam the talk channel with *Burp* from drinking lots of booze because he thinks it’s funny. *sings* Money, money, money…
“Courtesan”: Crap, I really wish this game wasn’t appropriate for kids so I could make some money off of these horny nerd-boys.
Random Local: Holy shit. Adventurers showing up again. I guess this means monsters will be spawning in soon to butcher me. I knew I should have been one of the indoors NPCs.
Streetcorner Cleric: I hate my job. I hate my job. I hate
me… oh, hey guys. Poisoned, diseased, and “Near Death” again? Yes, sure, I’ll
help you because it’s my calling… just like it’s my calling to help all those
people in line behind you. Did you know
I just stand here all day? That’s right, there’s no movement at all in my
subprogram. I think I have a wife and maybe a house but I’m not sure. But I
know you don’t care. HEY! No killing people in line to move farther up. Okay,
fine, just take him to the
Clothes Merchant: Oh goody… the door’s opening… I hope it’s a girl so I can sell her these ridiculously skimpy outfits. Oh, crap, it’s a dude. No wait… sure, I’ll sell you this ridiculously skimpy outfit… man, I SO don’t want to know.
Weapons Merchant: I like swords.
The Mayor: I really wish people would come see me now and then so I can give them quests. Oh well… at least I have my “Courtesan” to keep me company.
Courtesan: Tee-hee.
The Mayor: . . .
Courtesan: Eeeew.
Bob: Muahaha.
The Dragon: The hell? Why do I feel like someone is sucking my scaly… hey!
Question 9: What do the DMs do in their spare time?
DM 1: Hey, dude, I’m so bored.
DM 2: Would you like to run an interesting, cool quest?
DM 1: Nah. Let’s just smite some adventurers.
DM 2: Cool. *smite smite smite* Hahaha, look at ‘em cry. The puny mortals.
DM 1: Hey, check out what I can do. *inhabit NPC: Courtesan* Tee-hee.
DM 2: Woohoo! *inhabit NPC: Weapons Merchant*
Weapons Merchant: (later) I had the weirdest dream. Where am I? I feel like… Helga, is that you?
Courtesan: *cackles*
Question 10: Why the hell did I buy NWN instead of a decent RPG in which people actually play well and have involved, player-driven storylines?
Keanu Reeves: There is no RPG in which people actually play well and have involved, player-driven storylines.