Subject: Words to live by....
1.Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
3. I am in shape. Round's a shape.
4. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
5. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window?
6. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
7. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 today and we don't know where she is.
8. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.
9. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
10. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
11. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it is such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
12. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
13. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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