Sir Gawain and the Jolly Green Head-Chopper

Narrator

A Knight

The Jolly Green Headchopper / the Lord

King Arthur

Sir Gawain

A Lady

Lucifer

(Scene: Interior of King Arthur's castle, wintertime.)

Narrator: Nothing could disturb the jubilant crowd at Camelot's New Year's festivities -- except, perhaps, the arrival of a giant green knight on a bright green horse. (Enter Headchopper) Carrying one sharp-looking ax, no less. Not a greeting he gave as the crowd he o'erlooked--

Knight: Fine, don't even say hi.

Narrator: All stared at the enormous stranger, breathless, struck dumb with wonder and fear, as one single question rose to mind --

Knight: What's with all the green?

Headchopper: (ignores him) Where is your leader?

Narrator: The crowd was all too happy to let King Arthur do the talking.

(Enter Arthur)

Arthur: Well, welcome! Sit down, have a drink, tell us what you want later.

Narrator: But the Jolly GreenHeadchopper did not wish to tarry -- and, contrary to King Arthur's first thought, he did not wish to joust either. He wished to propose a game.

Arthur: So what is this game?

Headchopper: That, at this very moment, one of you lucky fellows can have the privilege of chopping off my head.

Knight: (excited) Ooh!

Headchopper: And then, in a year and a day, you have to find me so I can chop off yours.

Knight: (shrinking back) Oh.

Headchopper: Do I have any volunteers? (No one answers) Are you scared? Is that possible, that King Arthur's gallant knights of the revered round table are scared?

Knight: (visibly shaking) No.

Arthur: Come, now! No one here is frightened of you --

Knight: Not one!

Arthur: And I will accept your challenge. (Arthur takes the ax and prepares to strike)

Sir Gawain: Wait! (Arthur lowers the ax) I should be the one to do this, to become your...

Headchopper: Challenger? Opponent? Hero? What?

Sir Gawain: ...human sacrifice. You have to admit, I am rather useless. I'm not exactly the smartest, or the bravest, or the best thinker. Consider it. You wouldn't lose much by losing me.

Arthur: But nephew --

Gawain: In fact, my only redeeming feature is that I'm related to you!

Knight: Do I sense some self-esteem problems?

Gawain: (calms down) So I nominate myself for this task. That is, if my king and my liege lady don't object.

(At the words "liege lady" Arthur notices Guenevere is sitting a little too close to Lancelot)

Arthur: a-HEM! (to Gawain) You may go ahead. And a word of advice, Gawain.

Narrator: He meant to say, "Keep, cousin, what you cut with this day, and if you rule it aright, then readily, I know, you will stand the stroke it will strike after." But all he said was:

Gawain: Yes?

Arthur: Chop hard!

Headchopper: Gawain, I am most pleased to have you be the one to chop off my head. Now, the details. You will swear an oath to me that, in one year and one day, you will come to look for me.

Gawain: Yes, but where can I find you?

Headchopper: I'll let you know later.

Gawain: When?

Headchopper: Oh, after you've chopped off my head.

Gawain: (a little confused) All right.

Narrator: The Jolly Green Headchopper bared his neck, and his head was hacked clean off. Blood flowed everywhere.

Knight: Way to make a mess.

Narrator: The Jolly Green Headchopper stood up, picked up his head and nonchalantly got back on his horse. As he is riding out the door, he remembers to tell Gawain:

Headchopper: Look for me in the chapel.

Gawain: Which one?

Headchopper: (annoyed) it's green. Ask around. (Leaves)

(There is silence in the dining hall. One of the young, beardless knights has fainted on the floor. All look to Arthur.)

Narrator: Though high-born Arthur at heart had wonder, he let no sign be seen.

Arthur: (trying not to look confused) Well, that was something, wasn't it? Come! It's a holiday. Let us make merry. Sing, dance -- eat!

(All look at the unappetizing pool of green-tinted blood. They don't feel like eating.)

Arthur: Or not.

Knight: (looking with disgust on the bottom of his shoe) What kind of weirdo brings his horse into the dining hall?

Arthur: Hang up your ax, Gawain, it's done enough work for today. And don't forget your promise.

(Gawain looks worried and sits down, absentmindedly rubbing his neck.)

Narrator: The next November, Gawain sets out to find the Green Chapel and face his fate.

Gawain: Oh dear.

Narrator: He wanders alone for weeks through the cold, threatening woods. After praying for shelter --

Gawain: Pretty-pretty-pretty-please?

Narrator: Gawain comes upon a sparkling castle. The Lord, the owner of this castle, assures him the Green Chapel is nearby. Gawain and the Lord promise to exchange whatever they receive during Gawain's three-day stay at the castle. However, the Lord's wife has other ideas...

Gawain: (blushing) Milady, I am not interested.

Lady: Just a kiss, then. It is custom here.

Gawain: All right. (They kiss. She clings to him for several moments) (fighting her off) Please -- Madame -- I must be going --

Lady: (thrusting the girdle at him) Take this to remember me by, then.

Gawain: You have been more than generous.

Lady: It suits you.

Gawain: I don't want it.

Lady: (seized with an idea) It will protect you!

Gawain: No -- I need to face this on my own, milady.

Lady: Take the godforsaken girdle before I strangle you with it!

Narrator: So Sir Gawain complies with the gentle lady's request. However, he did not tell the Lord.

Lord: Exchange anything lately?

Gawain: (looking innocent) No, not lately.

Narrator: The Lord had agreed to guide him on his journey to the Green Chapel, so Sir Gawain made his way through the forest, with the Lord as his guide. (Sings) Gawain and the friendly man, hopping through the for-est, oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly what a day...

They came to a cavelike grassy mound, presumably the Green Chapel, which caused the Lord to cry out in horror --

Lord: That is the ugliest chapel I have ever seen. It must be where the devil himself says his morning prayers!

Gawain: (to himself) The devil says prayers?

Narrator: Well, it just so happens the devil was saying his prayers at that very moment, in a smaller, even uglier chapel a ways south of the two travelers. It went something like this:

Lucifer : Heyyy, God, remember me? It's your fallen angel...I was wondering if we could get together sometime...what do you mean, "irreconcilable differences?" Good...evil...evil...good...all in all, they're pretty similar. I mean, rational people sometimes have trouble telling them apart...and then they blame me, would you believe? I really don't deserve all this bad press, y'know....aw, whaddya talking about, "that whole issue with Eve?" I didn't tell her to eat the fruit. I just helpfully pointed out that the benefits of eating the fruit would most likely outweigh the benefits of not eating the fruit...

Seen that son of yours lately? Whatever happened to Him, anyway? Well, tell him I could hook him up with a nice hunk of property, and all he'd have to do was worship me sometime...whaddya mean, "don't try that again?" God, you know, sometimes you are way too hard on a guy. Egad!...no, I did not just take your name in vain. God? God? Are you still there? Jeez. You know, when the next wave of pestilence comes around, they are so going to blame you for it!

Narrator: Next, our hero Sir Gawain was provided with a shiny ax of his own.

Gawain: Must've been left here for me...

Lord: Are you sure you want to go on?

Gawain: It is my bounden duty to continue.

Lord: You could run away, and the world would never know. Instead you'd prefer to face a raving psycho in the middle of nowhere.

Gawain: (sensing his knightlyness is being mocked) Milord, I would like nothing better!

Lord: As you wish. (Transforms into the Jolly Green Headchopper)

Gawain: Oops.

Headchopper: Kneel, knave! You'll have what's coming to you. (Gawain does so, and flinches in terror) Ha! Who is the braver man now?

Gawain: This is a great deal more stressful for me than it is for you. (The Headchopper aims the ax again, and just scratches Gawain. Gawain realizes he is bleeding) This girdle was supposed to protect me! (Realizing he has slipped) Er --

Headchopper: That? I doubt it... I don't know what my wife was thinking...I suppose she just wanted to get rid of that old thing. It wasn't really her color.

Gawain: Your wife?

Headchopper: Why, yes, my wife. You see, it was all a setup. The giving of the girdle, the wooing of my wife -- I planned that.

Gawain: Why?

Headchopper: Why not?

Gawain: (kneeling) Well?

Headchopper: No, sir, you only had one stroke at me, so oughtn't to take any more at you. You, Gawain, are an excellent knight. You are brave, and worthy, and as bright and shiny as if you have never sinned in your life. What's more, you can keep the girdle.

Gawain: You gigantic green pompous fool! I am a coward, and I'm no better off than when I started. All I learned was what a wimp I can be when the pressures on. I learned that I cared far too much about my own life to risk it all. And what would I possibly want with that smelly old girdle?

Headchopper: I was just trying to raise that self-esteem of yours.

Gawain: Spare me. Please. (Thinks) Why did you start it -- the whole I'll-chop-off-your-head-if you'll-chop-off-mine scenario?

Headchopper: I think it's fun: setting someone up, leading an unsuspecting knight through a senseless ritual of my own design.

Gawain: And your wife puts up with this.

Headchopper: I don't see why not. It's all in the name of adventure! Honor! Thrillingly pointless violence!

Gawain: You have no life.

Headchopper: I must say that few things in this world can match the sheer exhilaration of one's own decapitation. (Wistfully) The chop...the blood... (Thrusts the ax toward Gawain.) Could you do it again?

Gawain: (fighting a slight feeling of uneasiness) Well...

Headchopper: (excited) Oh, come on! (Bares his neck)

Gawain: Well...if you insist. (Chops off his head.) (As Gawain mounts his horse) Well, I'll be going now, then.

Headchopper's Detached Head: See you in twelve months and a day!

Narrator: As these words reach his ears, gallant Sir Gawain uttered a savage oath.

Gawain: Fiddlesticks!

Narrator: Then he rode off toward Camelot, wondering once more what on earth he had gotten himself into.

The End

(A song is played during the closing credits, to the tune of "Greensleeves.")