Part III : The Support Group of the Scarlet Pimpernel
Pimpersills and Rascal were sitting in the kitchen on the scheduled day, minding their own business...
Rascal: (singing) Nobody's coming, nobody's coming, nobody's coming, 'cause they all hate you. La, la la, nobody's coming, nobody's coming...
Voice from direction of sink: Beware, mere mortals!
Pimpersills: Sink me!
Voice: You owe me an egg roll, little dog!
Rascal:(quivering) It's Chauve-mann! He's back! (runs for kitchen door, misses, begins clawing at walls and screaming)
Voice: No, dummy. It's the troll that lives in the garbage disposal. Listen, can I get a hand?
Pimpersills: La, Rascal, it's only -- (pulls Tyrannosaurus out of the garbage disposal.) --Tyrranosaurus.
T. Rex: (only slightly slimy) ONLY Tyrannosaurus? ( He has arrived in costume. He is energetic, sounds like an american, and is very aware that he is not an angry french official out for revenge on an charismatic englishman. He is T. Rex. He was not lamenting on the second of January. He was playing ping-pong.) C'mon, puppy, nothing to be scared of.
Rascal: Puppy? I am a full grown mini miniature husky!
T. Rex: (not hearing) So, when is everybody else supposed to arrive? (sound of many people at the door) No offense, but this place doesn't look all that big.
Chrystinne: Salut, mon amis! Long time no see. Hawaii is even more wondreful than the Bahamas, and I brought everyone a flowered necklace.
Marchauvelin:No thank you, madame.
Elton: Come now, Marchauvelin! It would look demmed charming with all that black.
Marchauvelin: I have no desire to be surrounded by all these fluffy people.
Pit Musician: Is there anyplace I could put my cello? It's a little bulky.
Chorus Girl: Mon amis?My skirt does not fit through the door.
Chrystinne: Darling, darling, the key to the walking box is to step sideways.
Pit Musician: Maybe I could stash it behind the couch.
Elton: Lud, Dewhurst, this is all so moving! I think I'm going to cry.
Dewhurst:Now, Elton, I will not tolerate you being so overtly emotional before we have sampled the cupcakes. Oh, look, they've got little flowers on them!
Pit Musician: I think I'll just set it here on the windowsill, 'k?
Dog: ARF!
Marguerachel: Douglas, I made a chocolate cake--
Pimpersills: Superb, my love..
Marguerachel: Douglas?
Pimpersills: Yes?
Marguerachel: We're not actually married.
Pimpersills: Damn!
(Several personages wearing black and headsets sneak in)
Stage crew: We can't be seen! We can't be seen! (all hide under various articles of furniture)
(The chorus girl's bulky skirt nudges the cello further and further off the windowsill. It finally falls off, and there is a yelp and a crash from below. No one notices.)
Pimpersills: I don't believe we've met.
Girl: (in thick brooklyn accent) Really? My name's Roxanne. I've been working in the theater for years. Want to hear my line? "Get your souvenir programs here! Ten bucks!"
(And I always dreamed that would be me someday...)
Dewhurst: What's new?
Chrystinne: I'm considering legally changing my name to St. Just.
Dewhurst: Has the whole world gone mad?
Chrystinne: Was it ever quite right to begin with?
T. Rex: Look at this! Just look at this!
Marguerachel: Who let him look at the Big Book of Theater Reviews? I told you he was highly excitable...
T. Rex: Yeah, the critics hated us. But even worse--They MISQUOTED 'Gone With The Wind'! They said "Frankly, SCARLET, we don't give a damn," while anyone who's got half a brain KNOWS it's "Frankly, DEAR, I don't give a damn!"
Pimpersills: But do you give a damn if they give a damn?
T. Rex: Nope! I don't give a damn whether they give a damn or not!
(time: a day, maybe a few days later...we lost count...)
(The cast, and some of the lighting crew are singing a mutilated version of "They seek him here" Marchauvelin, unable to get any rest because Elton kept kicking him in his sleep, slumps on the sofa, irritated.)
Marchauvelin: (icily) You are all cowering behind a futile belief that your show is still alive.
Chrystinne: It lives in us!
(Marchauvelin smiles unpleasantly. The cast exchanges panicked looks)
Chrystinne: Well (points to Pimpersills) it lives in heem, anyway.
Pimpersills: (after a long pause) No...it doesn't. No it doesn't.
(Carol E. emerges from her spot. She knows the truth: "Eez not a party. Eez a support group.")
Carol E.: (putting an arm around Pimpersills) We're all here for you.
Pimpersills: It's like...this void...
Carol E.:Whatever you have to say, you can say it here.
(Pimpersills begins to sing quietly, a la "Prepare Ye" from Godspell)
No-bo-dy cares a-bout us a-ny-more... No-bo-dy cares a-bout us a-ny-more...
(The cast hums along. Suddenly, they are interrupted by a knock at the door. Pimpersills gets up to answer it, and leaps away in shock. It is Chauve-mann, in jeans and a T-shirt, looking oddly...normal.)
Chauve-mann: (politely) Excuse me, I was wondering where I might find...What? Is something the matter?
(Everyone is staring at him wordlessly. All exchange looks : panic, fear, or utter confusion.. Finally, Chrystinne, noticing the sizable bump on his head, decides to take the risk and goes to him.)
Chrystinne:(warmly) Oh, Chauve-mann, welcome! You must forgeev our rudeness. At first, we could hardly tell it was you! You look wonderful...have you lost weight?
Chauve-mann: My name is Chauve-mann?
Chrystinne: You don't remember, do you, poor man? How awful. Would you like a dreenk, perhaps?
Chauve-mann: I have the vague feeling I came here for a reason...
Chrystinne: To visit with old friends, of course.
Chauve-mann: (examining some pimpernel souvenirs) Mmm...
Chrystinne: It's a play, do you remember that? You were part of a spectacular company, where Pimpersills over there was the hero, I was the heroine..
(Pimpersills is desperately motioning to Chrystinne to cut it out)
Chrystinne:(clenches her teeth) TYRANNOSAURUS was the villain, and you were...the handy sidekick! Good old, lovable, handy-dandy sidekick. (He seems to buy it) And you were oddly fond of the dog.
(Chauve-mann reaches out hesitantly to pet Rascal. Chrystinne tosses a handful of kibble in Chauve-mann's direction and Rascal leaps on his lap, slobbering all over the place. Chrystinne takes Pimpersills aside.)
Pimpersills: What happened to him? I thought he must have come for revenge.
Chrystinne: That was his intention. Why else would he be here?
Pimpersills: I don't understand.
Chrystinne:You see the bump on his head? That is the mark of a man who has been unfairly robbed of his memory by (dramatic pause) a falling cello.
Pimpersills: Oh.
Chauve-mann:(calling across the room) Are you sure I like the dog?
Chrystinne: (laughs gaily) You and he were the best of friends, monsieur!
(The party continues. Some time later,T. Rex is dancing on the table to "Falcon in the Dive" He doesn't realize Chauve-mann watching him with curiousity. T. Rex hastily cuts the music.)
Chauve-mann: What is that? I like that...
Tyrannosaurus: Oh, nothing. It's from...Carousel! That's it. I was in Carousel. (sings, with great energy) "My boy Bill is as tall and as tough as a tree--yeah Bill! With his blah, blah, blah, and his head held high, and his feet planted firm on the ground, and he won't let anyone dare to try to push him or boss him around NOoo pot bellied baggy-eyed BAS-tard will boss him around...
Chauve-mann: Whatever. (Loses interest)
Carol E.: (noticing Marchauvelin) Someone looks a little mopey. (Marchauvelin says nothing) Is there anything you want to share? You look like--
T. Rex: (stops singing) Like your ego's been crushed. I don't know how, or why, but that's it.
Pimpersills: Lud, man...(sings, to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast)
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Chauvelin
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be you, Chauvelin
Even when taking your lumps
There's no guy in town as admired as you
you're everyone's favorite guy--
Marchauvelin: That is not the truth.
Pimpersills: If you insist. (Sings)
There's (almost) no guy in town as admired as you
You're (almost) everyone's favorite guy
(Almost) Everyone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not (that) hard to see why--
No one mopes like Chauvelin
No one ... stomps like Chauvelin
No one does that weird thing with his chin like MarChauvelin
You can ask any powerful Frenchie
And they'll tell you whose bad side the good guys got on
And he's still kinda-sorta intimidating
Marchauvelin: I say, that's enough!
Pimpersills: Who's a man among fluff?
Marchauvelin: I can't take any more!
Pimpersills: Who (almost) got the hero next door?
Who's (almost) a super success
Don't you know, can't you guess
He's got no reason to look so glum!
Who's the one guy in town who's got (almost) all of it down?
And his name's C-A-U
C-H-A-U
sho--only one sho--
CHAUVELIN!
(Scattered applause. Marchauvelin is unmoved)
Pimpersills: All composed in the tying of a cravat...and yet, no gratitude.
Rascal: Please don't be sad, Mr. Big Scary Man, or else I'll be sad too...
Marchauvelin: Uh-oh.
Rascal: And then I'll cry!
Marchauvelin: No, no, don't do that. You musn't do that. (Tears begin to roll down Rascal's cheeks) I can't stand it! (gives Rascal a hug, and Rascal stops. Marchauvelin smiles genuinely)
Rascal: Heh heh.
Lady Digby: I know what could cheer everyone up. I've got a (drumroll) bootleg video!
Most of Company: Ooh! Aah.
(People watch tape, enraptured. Then, just as the Entra'cte ends, and the stage is set for the ballroom scene--everyone holds their breath, and suddenly...)
(Total blackness.)
Voice on video: All right. Who's been chewing on the camera cord?
(The guests were so engrossed in the video that they did not notice Chauve-mann. The very moment he had seen himself onscreen, the memories came flooding back to him. As the tape ended, he found himself surrounded by people, people with such passion, such dedication to the pimpernel cause, that he could not help but express his innermost feelings right then and there.)
Chauve-mann: You pathetic bunch of LOSERS!
(Instant quiet)
Chauve-mann: How did I ever come to be in the same room as you-- you -- (at a loss for words)
Elton:(timidly) Nincompoops?
Chauve-mann:(eyes flash) The show is dead, do you understand that? Dead! You can keep up your bizarre fantasy, but the truth is, it's over. You-- (points at Chrystinne) don't speak French. You flunked it in high school. You--(points at Elton) aren't English. You're German, Austrian, and a little Swiss, I think. You-- (points at Pimpersills) not only is blond not your natural hair color, but--
(Pimpersills begins to whimper)
Chauve-mann: --you will never be the pimpernel again!.
(Pimpersills cries out in pain)
Marguerachel: Stop!
Chauve-mann: And therefore, I--hey! (Chauve-mann finds himself tied to the chair with T. Rex's red, white, and blue sash) I don't know how the hell you did that, but I consider it the will of God for me to do away with the lot of you.
Carol E.: (as T. Rex gags Chauve-mann) That's why you're in therapy, Chauve-mann.
Elton: (from behind a chair) Don't provoke him...please...
(Pimpersills, who is being propped up by Marguerachel,, hands T. Rex his souvenir sword and promptly passes out)
Marguerachel: Percival?
Dewhurst: It's a sign!
Chrystinne: Sign of what?
T. Rex: You know, I have been itching to have a good duel.
Marguerachel: Am I supposed to keep him elevated?
Musician: Hey, where's my cello?
(Chauve-mann lunges for the sword, which has dropped on the floor a few feet in front of him.)
Tyrannosaurus: Ya wanna fight, huh? (Chauve-mann mumbles through his gag) That's good enough for me! (Unties Chauve-mann, who flies at him with a roar) Hold on a sec, buddy. (reties his sash) Aargh! Hit it, Vinnie!
(Now, let me explain about Vinnie. Vinnie was a violinist. A very emotional violinist. He couldn't get through "marguerite's Dillema" without crying. Here, he perched on the coffee table and played a speedy version of "The Duel", as they...dueled.)
Man in soldier's dress: Flash, slash, glisten and--
(T. Rex lands on the floor, wincing, and holding the back of his head.)
Company: Gasp!
(Grinning, he reveals that Chauve-mann has chopped off his fake ponytail. He tosses it at him, and jumps right back into the fight.)
(Using a tricky move, Chauve-mann propels the sword out of T. Rex's hand so he holds both, and he goes to skewer him--)
(..but is unsuccessful. Puzzled, he tries again--)
(And again--)
T. Rex: (rips both swords away from him) It's a prop sword!
Chauve-mann: Gasp!
T. Rex: It doesn't have any point! Yet--if you will observe--they still make a deadly weapon... (bonks Chauve-mann over the head)
Chauve-mann: My God! (collapses)
(T. Rex reattaches Chauve-mann to the chair, as Rascal tries to revive Pimpersills by dragging a Milky Way over his face)
Chrystinne: What will happen when he comes to?
T. Rex: With any luck, he'll be an amnesiac.
Company: Again?
Lady Digby: It's like that soap I used to work on. Ever seen The Young and the Unconscious?
T. Rex: Maybe we can convince him he's a random barnyard animal. C'mon, buddy! Quack! No..oink! (he experiments with different animal sounds)
(Pimpersills's eyelids begin to flutter)
Carol E.: And do you know who you are?
Pimpersills: Of course. My name is Ed, and I'm a garbage man from Iowa.
Carol E.: Seriously?
Pimpersills: No. (grinning) The proper term is 'sanitation worker'.
Carol E: Oh, hush!
T. Rex: You know, that psychopath had an interesting point.
Marguerachel: You mean, he's normal, and we've lost it?
T. Rex: Not in the least. We've both lost it.
Dewhurst: Well, if we are indeed on a downward spiral into madness...we might as well enjoy the trip.
Marguerachel: Pimpernel forever! (Company cheers)
Chrystinne: Or until the landlord kicks us out! (More cheers)
Pimpersills: Actually, I have a theory...
Lady Digby: Me too! See, it's like The Phantom of the Opera. The pimpernel's ghost refuses to set us free.
Chrystinne: No, it's like Ragtime. You can never go back to before.
T. Rex: No, no, no. It's like The Pirates of Penzance.
Pimpersills: Why?
T. Rex: Because I REALLY like The Pirates of Penzance.
Pimpersills: Yes, but there is more. See, Rascal and I --
Rascal: Don't go dragging me into this!
Pimpersills: Tried to reinvent ourselves after Pimpernel, by returning to a simpler way of life, by believing in something--french toast, the Sunday comics, God. Well, the last one definitely doesn't work, because, to be blunt -- the pimpernel IS god.
Rascal: He's cracked!
(Rascal is drowned out by cheers. They feel a song coming on...)
(a la godspell)
Women: Long live god
Long live pimpernel
long live pimpy
cause he's god.
(repeat)
Men: (counterpoint)
Nobody cares about us anymore
Nobody cares about us any more
All: Nobody cares about us any more
Nobody cares, but it don't bother us.
Roxanne: You guys ever think of starting your OWN theater company?
Pimpersills: Little Brooklyn's a genius!
(to Madame Guillotine)
Marchauvelin: The world may be ugly, but each man must learn to adjust
Chrystinne: So we'll tell them a tale of rescue, adventure and lust
T. Rex: We were going to hang all the critics
Pimpersills: But we mailed them some frou-frou instead
Carol E: And we pay them no heed
When they tell us we're out of our he-ad!
(a la the Beatles)
Company:
All you need is frou (da-da da da da)
All you need is frou (da-da da da da)
All you need is frou-frou
Frou-frou's all you need
Frou-frou's all you need...
Voice: Moo.