J A Bit of a Laugh J Updated February 2004		Romans 12:15,16 ^15When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow. ^16Live in harmony with each other.
NEW Roadside Signs A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts! "Yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
NEW Grant me a Wish A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
NEW Nativity Play At the school nativity play, three young children where playing the parts of the three kings. As they presented their gifts at the stable. The first said, ‘Gold’ the second said, ‘Myrrh’ and the third said, ‘Frank sent this!’
A group of scientists got together and decided that Man had come such a long way, that man longer needed God. God in fact was redundant, they all decided. So they contacted God and said, “We can clone people and cure all sorts of illnesses and do many wondrous things. We don’t really need you anymore, we think you ought to retire.” God listened patiently. “Fine” He replied, but let us both make a man just like I did with Adam, then we can compare our work, and that will see if don’t need Me anymore.” “Fair enough” said the scientists “lets do it.” God picked up some clay and fashioned a “New Adam”. One of the scientists bent down to scoop up some clay. “Oh no, you don’t scolded God “Go and make your own clay.”
He's always watching... A burglar was driving through one of our posh suburbs looking for a target of opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands of pounds. He made a mental note and went on his way. The next day he was back in the same neighbourhood. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in. It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. "I see you and Jesus sees you," a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks. "I see you and Jesus sees you," the voice said again. When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch. "I see you and Jesus sees you." The burglar laughed. "Just a dumb bird," he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pinscher sitting beneath the parrot's perch. "Sic him, Jesus!" the parrot said.
Sunday School teacher, " Now then children, what does the story of David and Goliath teach us?" Little Tommy: "To duck, Miss."
There was a bishop who had a fondness for using biblical quotations whenever he attended a function. When he was asked to open the new maternity wing at the hospital. The organisers thought to themselves "We got him stumped this time" After a prayer and a few chosen words he looked around and said, "I know you are all waiting for a quotation, and here it is: 'We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed'."
A little boy was on his way home from school decided to stop at the church and have a look around. When he arrived home he told his Grandmother he had been to God's house. "Oh," said Grandma: "And did you see God?" "No," replied the lad, "but I did see his wife washing the floor."
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