12-13-99 (4 a.m.)
Well, here goes. This journal is a result of a lot of prodding from my good friend Nikki Henderson. Nikki is maybe my best friend. In saying that I don't want anyone to think that their not as good friends as Nikki, but I feel I can be more honest with Nikki than anyone else. Nikki's my only friend who has never tried to change me or suggest that something I was doing wasn't what I should be doing. Although the only thing Daniel ever did was tell me to "Take the Rook" which was perhaps the best advice ever given me. Nikki knows more about me than anyone else...and I'd wager that I know more about her than most. I feel I can be more honest with Nikki than anyone else, just because I have no fears that she'll disapprove of me. I feel bad saying that, because I think I should be able to be at least as honest with Kate. But at some level, I'm still scared that Kate would disapprove of my actions or thoughts. In the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T.S. Eliot phrases this fear:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
‘That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant at all.’
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It's not that I've been dishonest with anyone, but merely that I've offered details of myself to Nikki, that I wouldn't offer to anyone else. Most anyone could ask me most any question, and I'd answer it fully and honestly, but there are things I've told Nikki without her asking, because I needed to tell someone, and I knew I could trust her. What's prevented me from starting this journal earlier is this gut instinct to keep elements of myself hidden from everyone else. However, reading Nikki's journals, I feel somehow guilty. I don't like to take something without giving something in return. I'm left feeling I owe them. The reverse doesn't apply, I feel fine giving something to someone knowing that nothing is coming back my way...I've even loaned people things knowing that I may never see them again, and then not minded when I didn't. So, largely, this is for Nikki, for the enjoyment I've had reading her journals and getting to know her a little better. And also this is for anyone else who happens to stop by, so they can know me a little better. I'm going to try to be more open and honest here, than I am with many people...but we'll see, it's a scary thought going from telling no one, to posting it here for all the world to see. I realize, however, that the majority of the world will never look here. Many people pass this way but few stop. Having read this far, you are one of the very few to wade through my babbling, and come one step closer to the core of my thinking. For this, I thank you, and I ask you to be like Nikki. Don't judge what I put here, maybe I was in a weird mood. Just accept that it's something I think, or thought at one point.
Well, Nikki, It's not as pretty as yours, but I think it's a start, let me know what you think.
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