Sitting in English
Test under my nose
and all I can think of
is you and your rose

somehow she knew
I knew she would
but is this knowledge
bad or good?

Why this poem remains in my mind, I can only guess...maybe it's the simplicity of the subject and rhyme...maybe it's the same sense of strong emotion, and clarity that allowed me to remember "The Garden" overnight, and write it the next morning. Its significance? Probably none, but I'm going to try not to leave anything else out (stalling). The day wore on...classes that haven't had an impact on my mind. Lunch comes, Sarah looks over my direction...says, and this is an approximate quote: "I'm going to tell you something...see if you can figure out what I'm talking about....Good Job." Some other things happen, and if you want real specific details, just ask me...it's just I'm dragging this enough. I make a bet with Kate, that well the odds were not in my favor...it was for a few dollars. She takes the money, and purchases some fries at Unicorn Grill...that we split before I run off to programming...A test maybe..maybe not I don't remember. Something tells me it was a test, something else tells me nobody cares. So, my day winds to its end...and I leave on the Asheville bus. I know I shared my poem with Nikki and discussed the general state of things. I think she asked ; ). On many issues, Nikki has been my confidant..for reasons explained in journal0. Nikki, Max and I spent a LOT of time together early junior year...so I think I kind of imprinted on them, the way baby animals do to their surrogate mothers...sort of. Anyways, we shared a lot of common experience and confusion...the reason I felt more comfortable with Nikki is I think the added time we spent on the Asheville bus, and for large portions of junior year, I was to learn, Max hated my guts 'cause he was sure Nikki liked me, and he'd had a thing for Nikki for quite some time. You know me, I was oblivious to all this stuff...but hey, there's got to be a fool in every story, why not me? So, I know Nikki and I discussed something of the nature of things, and just the fact that I was still confused as all hell...but that I thought that things were moving in my direction. I don't know what I did extended...maybe worked at McDonald's just to get out of the house...I probably mentioned something of the state of things to Stephen, and maybe he listened...and maybe it matters ; ). I'm not sure ultimately whether it was a good thing to have the time, or if it just slowed things down...ultimately it doesn't matter 'cause things happened the way they did, not the way they didn't, and everything turned out in my favor in the end. Extended ended, as they always do, and we returned to campus. There was a sense almost like what had happened 3 or so days ago was a dream, something separated from the reality I currently found myself living. Kate and I spent a greater than usual amount of time together that week, and Joey Plum gave me his "I can't believe it...you and a Morrison" kind of surprise speel...asked if we were dating or just friends... I wasn't about to answer that question. I think I spent a week in that little daze Charlie finds himself in, where it's safer just to keep your mouth shut. Kate tells him that we're not dating, but we're more than friends. I know some part of my mind was chalking up points for my side at that moment. The next week passes much the same...I have no idea what went on, but I think I was enjoying myself. That friday (the 26th for anyone counting)...Reynolds 1E had I-viz. We were hanging out in Audrey's room, something I hadn't done before or since...but that's where we found ourselves. At some point, Kate ends up in my lap, and everyone else ends up out of the room, odd considering it was Audrey's room, but I wasn't complaining. She looks over in my direction, and asks: "So, I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend now" or "So, I guess we're dating now" I'm not sure which, I'm inclined to believe it was the first...but who knows. I look back and say "I guess we are."

That being said, it didn't happen. Well, most of it happened....but when she looked my way, and asked the appropriate quetion. My answer was nothing so well placed as "I guess we are" or.....well, that's the best response I've come up with since. My actual response was, and this is an exact quote which I hope to never see used: "ok"
An obvious Charlie moment. Of the all time dumbest things to say, that's one of them. It's something to kick myself for when I have the freetime to look back over my life. It belongs on my list of regrets...but I doubt if you'll ever find it up there. In the words of Paul Harvey: "And now you know *dramatic pause* the rest of the story"

Enough making a fool of myself for one night/morning. Having said that ; )....I still have that damned english paper to write. But that takes second position behind Angela Hubbs. Angela's been moody and strange of late. She's really easy to bother, and then she just shuts you out...like a small child throwing a tantrum. Where they want you to do something for them, but if you try to do anything, they just push you away kicking and screaming. She accomplishes it with a little less kicking and screaming...but the effect is about the same. They feel neglected if you don't do everything you can to cater to their moods, and they try to make it as hard as possible to cater to their moods. People are weird, one of the truest things I've ever said. Her moodiness seems to have reached its peak about dinnertime on what is now yesterday. She says: "I had a thought..." I'll tell you right now, this is the wrong phrase to use in our group if you can't take a joke. She was greeted with the usual chorus of "Oh really?" and "that's nice" and "we're proud of you" or something of that nature...the kind of smartass remarks we give everyone foolish enough to begin a sentence like that. From this moment on, she is very moody and short and unfriendly...but of course still wants to be included in everything. We retire to Colin's room, to play Euchre...Angela walks ahead of us all...and we let her. We get there, and Colin's floor is too dirty to sit on. We offer her a chair, she doesn't want to lean over....we offer to hand her cards down to the playing surface for her. She sits on the floor. Joe and I volunteer to be partners. We always take a fairly good-natured attitude towards gameplay, and will call it alone because we have the right-9 and 3 non-trump kings just 'cause it's fun, and we hope our partner has all the trumps and the aces are buried. Angela sits across from colin with this statement: "Great, now I'm going to lose." At this point, there's kind of an "Excuse me" pause...then I suggest to Angela that it was maybe not her best attitude, and I offer to switch places...I think you can assume her response. Joe and I are kicking butt, and are also the only people talking to anyone, and it's mostly to each other in hopes that someone from the other team would like to join in...they don't join in much. They catch up, and I think they were actually beating us when Peng and Hillary arrived, and Angela left. We include her again when we walk to Bragaw to play games with Josh Smith and his friends...she leaves as soon as we get there. Joe and I play a round behind everyone else, and almost win anyways, without their first round points, we would've tied with the winning team...but it was fun. They take up trivial pursuit, and I make my exit.

At some point after this, she and Joe have a talk...the essence of which I gather through Colin is as follows:
She needs to stop hanging around us, and find some new friends...she's said this before, maybe she means it this time. Also I got the impression that she wants to spend more time around Joe, and less time around us as a group. "The group" is exactly 4 people, so when one member says...yeah I'd kind of rather exclude the other 2...that's kind of hurtful...maybe she didn't say that, or mean that but that's the message I'm getting roundabouts. In past discussions, Angela has made it fairly clear that she's not real hot on being the only girl in most of her engineering classes, and she doesn't like being treated differently. Why then, does she go off the deep end when we treat her just like we treat each other? She's often in the past complained of being picked on. I think she doesn't realize that we're all "picking on" each other...I definitely make more short jokes than girl jokes. Most of the "girl" jokes we do make are more making fun of ourselves being non-football watching, car repairing, guys. Because Angela knows more about both than the 3 of us combined. At this juncture in my life...I don't have the mental or emotional energy to try to make Angela feel at home. My laziness, exhaustion, and generally anti-social nature combine to say: "screw it." If she needs new friends, that's a determination she needs to make, and good luck to her. So now, when I ask Joe if he wants to go to dinner...should I even invite Angela? Sure she wants to have dinner with Joe, but what about Colin and myself? Where does this put Joe? Not so random sideline: Kate plans to room with Angela next year. Eventually, the question becomes: Where does this put me? I like to be on at least amiable terms with my friends' roommates. I don't think my girlfriend's roommate should be an exception. That is of course looking farther ahead than can really be guessed at, but it's something that comes to mind when Angela's doing her little tantrum. Once you say something, you can't unsay it. It's something most kids forget when they're yelling about how much they hate you and life and they're going to die if they don't get what they want. I only know of one story where a kid dies from not getting what she wants...and I'm inclined to think that Mr. Silverstein made that one up. If you're a kid throwing a tantrum...be careful what you say...no matter how much you don't mean what you say...you do mean what you say. A friend might forgive you, but they'll rarely forget the hurtful things you said, and in the dead of the night, when life is quiet just for a moment, they'll be left to wonder just how much of it you meant.